Blast . . . etc. The link to Mike's Top 10 Favorite 'Crazy' Missions is wrong. I've had a look through but can't find it. Any ideas whereabouts it might be TM?
The problem is, it was only ever posted on Southquarter, which has since gone down. I was planning on posting it in this thread again but was waiting for a new page to start (the last one was getting pretty crowded).
[edit] To answer your question below, yes I still have it (the original Word document anyway). I'll post it here in a few.
Last edited by The Mike; 20th Jun 2012 at 15:57.
Well that's a relief - I thought it was me mucking it up. Have you still got it then?
Yeah, this is a re-post of an old one. The original was lost with the old "Southquarter" website, but luckily I had a copy saved due to the fact that my "My documents" folder looks like it should be on an episode of "Hoarders".
The Mike's Top Ten Favorite Crazy FMs
I'd like to start this out with a question for frequent players of Thief fan missions: how many times have you played a mission where you had to break into a Victorian-era mansion, steal something expensive, and then leave via the front gate? Your answer is probably some large sounding made-up number like "fifty gabillion" or "never", and in the case of the second answer you would be lying and are a horrible person. Now how many times have you played a mission where you are dropped onto a strange alien planet run by killer robots? Or a mission where you open a door only to be attacked by someone who has a carrot for a face? Much lower number right? For those of you saying "no" right now, STOP TRYING TO KILL MY SEGUE DAMN YOU!
What I'm trying to get to here is that Thief missions tend to settle into one of a few proven formulas and don't stray very far from them. Of course, the reason for this is pretty obvious considering that those proven gameplay formulas kick unquantifiable amounts of ass, but every now and then I love to see a Thief mission that dares to be different and full of robots. With that said, I present unto you my top ten favorite crazy Thief FMs. There's a whole lotta crazy headed your way, be brave and don't look them directly in the eye (they bite).
10. The Haunting
How does it rank on the crazy-o-meter? When I say that this FM (which has you playing as a ghost who can walk through walls and features gameplay mechanics such as dodging exorcists and over-salting bowls of soup) ranks lowest on my craziness scale out of all the missions on this list...well...that just shows you the depths of insanity all of the other missions I've assembled here sink to. You're entering crazy country, please refrain from picking up hitchhikers.
Craziness aside, how fun is it? I'd be lying if I said this mission ranked high on the fun scale, just because its gameplay is so repetitive and never really overly exciting (as I said, a great deal of it involves dropping salt into someone's soup as a sort of scare tactic...cuz y'know...when I think "over-seasoned soup" my next thought is inevitably "restless poltregeists") but this is one of my favorite missions purely for showing off how inventive the Thief community is. The scripting* is absolutely amazing and it certainly doesn't play quite like anything else out there, retail or otherwise.
*For those of you who don't know what "scripting" means, it's some kind of crazy voodoo level designers use to make neat stuff happen...and to try to steal your soul through your monitor. It can look awesome but keep a crucifix handy.
All of my haunting techniques I learned from "Dennis the Menace" cartoons.
9. Incubus
How does it rank on the crazy-o-meter? If I was ranking these missions purely on how utterly nuts they were, this would be a real contender for the number 1 spot. This mission is without a doubt 100% off its freaking rocker insane. I mean like chasing-the-cat-around-the-house-with-a-hair-dryer-while-shouting-in-Tasmanian-devil-speak insane. It opens with you fighting off a group of guards who have had their heads replaced with vegetables and later has you (amongst other things) fighting against a guard the size of the Cloverfield monster, crashing a disco party, out-running a gigantic snowball, and looting a small mansion for 1,000,000 loot...seriously*.
*No...seriously.
Craziness aside, how fun is it? Incubus was released for the not quite inappropriately named "Crap FM Contest", a contest based around creating the most irritating to play and badly designed mission possible. Unfortunately for the author, he screwed up and actually made his mission fun. When it came to pure badness, it just couldn't contend with the likes of such heavy weights as "Kill the Guard" and "Get Your Blackjack back lol", both of which achieved watching-paint-dry levels of excitement and looked so awesomely bad they led to random bleeding of the eyeballs. Luckily for us though, we now have a spectacularly insane theme park ride of a mission that might not be top-notch when it comes to gameplay, but mostly makes up for that with it's unparalleled unpredictability*. It's all the fun of a terrifying drug trip, and you'll be able to pass that pee-in-a-cup test the next day at work! What's not to love?
*Say that five times fast right now. In fact, say that five times fast while looking into a mirror with the lights off and let me know if it summons a monster.
Carry the Crazy Carrot says "Eat your vegetables or I'll stab you."
8. The Masque of the Red Death
How does it rank on the crazy-o-meter? It features a hammerite haunt dancing the Macarena; I don't know where it would land on the crazy-o-meter, but on the holy crap that kicks ass-o-meter it's somewhere between having a chainsaw for a hand and a porsche that shoots homing missles out of its headlights.
Craziness aside, how fun is it? This mission is odd because it pretty much sums up everything I love about the small FMs released for the various FM-making contests, and yet it wasn't even an entrant for one of them. After a little more research* I realized that this actually made sense, considering it was designed for FM Contest 4, but missed the deadline. So sadly, no trophy for it, and I doubt my soft whispers of "I wuv ooo" to it as I play are any consolation (or not at all disturbing). Still, this mission would have been a contender, and I highly suggest it. Oh yeah, and it's based on a Edgar Allan Poe poem, so it's best played with a glass of wine in one hand and a monocle held firmly to your rightmost eye (this would involve some extra hands, so you might want to consider rolling around in some radioactive material first).
*"research" meaning I checked the first sentence of the readme file and then played "World of Warcraft" for three hours.
If you don't remember this dance craze, you were probably born in the nineties and I hate you.
7. The Great Tree
How does it rank on the crazy-o-meter? Okay, so this might not be "Incubus", but a whole mission based around climbing a skyscraper-sized haunted tree is pretty far from the norm. This is one of the first Thief levels to ever progress completely vertically, so it's kind of ground breaking in that regard. However, this mission is far better known for breaking something else. Namely both of Garrett's legs, repeatedly and in the most sadistic fashion possible.
Craziness aside, how does it play? Despite the fact that this mission is basically a falling-to-your-death simulator*, I can't help but really like it. There's something I've always found charming about this FM. Yeah, you have to wrestle with overly awkward rope arrow maneuvers and Thief's flukey mantling mechanics on a constant basis and the price for missing a step is almost always a two minute fall followed by a loud splat, but as agonizing as it is, it gives me this nostalgic warm and fuzzy feeling every time I play it; probably because it was one of the first missions I ever played. It's like watching old home movies while someone repeatedly takes a crowbar to your kneecaps, and I mean that analogy in the best possible way.
*I'm not exagerrating here, you really spend most of the mission hurtling downward at Mach speed praying for the ground to suddenly be made out of rubber (or maybe cotton candy, because how fantastic would that be!?)
Screenshot from "The Great Tree", not pictured: the great tree.
6. The Summit
How does it rank on the crazy-o-meter? This mission is extremely similar in its gameplay style to the last mission on this list, only a bit more bizarre thanks to the even more unusual setting of a sheer faced arctic mountain and the replacement of your rope arrows with a much more versatile grappling hook. CRaaaAAAAZY, right? ....Bah, it's my list, SHUT UP.
Craziness aside, how does it play? Alright- this is the last mission I'm adding just because it dares to be vertical, but COME ON PEOPLE, WORK THAT Y-AXIS ALREADY! This mission is pretty much the same concept as "The Great Tree", in that you're given an astronomically high obstacle with getting to the top being your main objective. That concept has been polished and perfected here, mostly in the way that getting around is never overly difficult. Falling to a horrible cringe inducing death is normally the fault of you not planning your jumps right, not because you're expected to mantle on ledges at crazy odd angles that Garrett would apparently rather die than attempt to wrap his head around. Even if you really suck at climbing though, it features a soothing classical soundtrack to help ease your blood pressure back down to normal levels. I'm not sure who Patrick O'Hearn is, uncultured swine that I am, but I could stand in the center of a fire ant hive and still find his music relaxing (and now your skin itches, you're welcome).
Die devil mountain pixie!
5. Abominable Dr. Dragon
How does it rank on the crazy-o-meter? This mission is one gigantic "WHAT THE F--K!?" moment. One minute you're being chased through a graveyard by flying statues that hurl human skulls, the next Boris Karloff's Frankenstein is bursting through a door, then you find yourself fighting a monster made out of stained glass. By the time you see the alien space ship you're numbed to the point that you don't even realize that there's anything out of the ordinary happening. I'm pretty sure that right now a fat Scotsman is running through the bowels of the crazy-o-meter shouting about how it canna take much more.
Craziness aside, how does it play? "Abominable Dr. Dragon" is the first, and tragically if you ask me, last FM of the author known as ChiefDreams. It's a shame he never made anything else because here he shows signs of being a true mad genius (seriously, every time I try to picture this guy I get a stereotypical mad scientist wringing his hands together and cackling wildly in an underground laboratory). Yes, it is essentially a typical "break in and grab the shiny thing" mission, but so much eccentricity is thrown at you it's almost impossible to recognize it as such. If you have never played it before, here is a drinking game you can play while running through this FM: get a few shots of your strongest liquor and place them by your computer, then load up the mission and pound one every time you think it's reached the peak of its weirdness. Trust me, no matter how late you start drinking, by the time your final objective is complete you're going to be on the verge of falling over and probably directing slurred pick-up lines at your printer.
Yeah, that just happened.
4. The Flying Age (Also known as the "The Abominable Flying Machines of Dr. Zeppelinger)
How does it rank on the crazy-o-meter? Personally I think this mission's author "Sterlino" ranks higher on the crazy-o-meter than the actual mission does. Though it features ghosts handing out enchanted swords and Garrett assembling an airplane from spare parts somehow in the same storyline, it doesn't stand a chance against someone who loads up such a notoriously buggy and unwieldy program as DromEd and decides "You know what? I'M GONNA MAKE A FULLY-FUNCTIONING AIRPLANE IN THIS SH-T." He probably then proceeded to go outside and make a mech suit out of Lincoln Logs*.
*If you have never heard of them http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lincoln_Logs They're like legos, minus the colors, cool themes, and fun.
Craziness aside, how does it play? How well "The Flying Age" plays is almost a moot point being as the thing is just so mind-blowingly impressive from a technical aspect it's hard to think about anything else. Whenever you start to think "you know, this is a little easy" or "this area could have used more guards" the FM throws something like a parachuting sequence or a section that briefly puts you in control of a slightly-flyable biplane, and then all you can think is "OH MY GOD I'M FLYING WEEE I'M SUPERMAN, I'LL SAVE YOU LOIS" or something similar. I'll say that from what I remember of the FM outside of the stuff that was brain-meltingly impressive, it played pretty damn well.
I-yyyyee WENT toooOOO the DANGAH-ZONE!
3. Oracle of the Prophets
How does it rank on the crazy-o-meter? Oracle of the Prophets is probably the craziest mission you will ever play that actually is part of a storyline where, in context, it makes perfect sense. Part of the "Keeper of the Prophecies" campaign, the mission has Garrett traveling to "the other side of time" to retrieve an antidote for a curse he is currently afflicted with, the dreaded curse of the TIME LIMIT! OH GOD, IT BURNS! Anyway, the only cure is to hop around in a parallel dimension on a giant moon covered in System Shock 2 enemies while prodding giant hovering color coded amoebas in a certain order. See? Perfect sense.
Craziness aside, how does it play? I get the feeling that this is pretty much universally considered the worst chapter of the "Keeper of the Prophecies" campaign, which is odd, because it's easily my favorite. Maybe I just have bizarre taste? More likely it's just a case of everyone else being wrong again. That's twice in two reviews Everyone Else, you need to step up your game! [note from the future: I originally wrote this article immediately after my "Eclipsed" review, so read that if you want to know what I'm talking about. Now I'll go back to my timeline, where we have flying cars and shameless self-promotion is more socially acceptable] I mean COME ON PEOPLE, what's not to love? Zombies, low gravity, the ability to walk up near vertical surfaces, an over abundance of fire arrows, an ingenious central puzzle that makes the whole confusing level suddenly make perfect sense once you see the pieces snapping into place...there is no single element of this FM that I don't want to give a great big bear-hug of approval to (or if it found that too awkward, perhaps a firm handshake of approval...or maybe a friendly face-licking of approval).
"Come at me, Bro!"
2. Kill factory 2: Escape from the Planet of the Robots
How does it rank on the crazy-o-meter? Read that title again. How do you think it ranks on the crazy-o-meter?
Craziness aside, how does it play? Forgive me for falling into geek stereotypes by repeatedly praising anything that involves zombies, ninjas, or robots....but really folks- this has a whole PLANET of robots, its charms are beyond my powers to resist. Can you honestly tell me that you never wanted to battle killer robots with a freeze ray while chomping down on glowing blue "space food"? In fact, there's probably a good chance that you were just daydreaming about doing that exact thing a few minutes ago before I even mentioned it. In which case, get help, seriously. Freak.
ZZTT, WHY DO YOU USE ICE BEAM ON ROBOT. ROBOT JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED.
1. Anything by Kfort
How does it rank on the crazy-o-meter? Alright I admit, I'm cheating here. No, "Anything by Kfort" is not the name of a mission, "Kfort" is the name of an FM author who specializes in crazy. In making this list, I was presented with the problem that, with no exaggeration, EVERYTHING this author has made deserves a place on it. If I didn't allow myself to cheat, this would pretty much be the "Top Ten Kfort Missions". Some examples? Well, there's "The Adventures of Burrick Boy", a contest mission about a stable boy who had his prized dinosaurs stolen by magical ape men. Then there's "Garrett and the Beanstalk", which has you climbing up to a castle in the clouds and hiding from giants behind only slightly less giant furniture. Arguably her two best missions are "Bloodmist Tower" and "Wicked Relics", Bloodmist being my favorite when it comes to pure lunacy (you can't beat a guy with a water fountain growing out of his head or a fluffy bunny posing as a tyrannical dictator), though Relics is the better designed and generally more coherent of the two.
Craziness aside, how does it play? If I was proposed one of those desert island scenarios where I got to choose one thing to take with me, I'm pretty sure it would be a computer with Thief installed and every Kfort mission ever made, because that would provide nearly endless hours of entertainment*. No matter how many times you play them, the gameplay in these missions absolutely never gets stale! They're so hilarious in their unpredictable craziness that it's nearly impossible to play them without a big stupid grin permanently stretched across your face. What can I say? Kfort knows crazy, and she knows how to make it immensely entertaining.
*Well..at least up until the point where I throw myself into the ocean for being too stupid to ask for a satellite cell phone or an easy means of creating fire.
Mooooooom? I wanna get off the beanstalk now!
So there you have it, my favorite Crazy missions! Please leave comments, I'm an attention whore!
[note from the future: Even though this is old, still feel free to leave comments. Mikes from the future have not yet evolved beyond attention whoring.]
Last edited by The Mike; 25th Jun 2012 at 22:57. Reason: Relized I originally referenced Scotty from Star Trek as a "Irishman"...despite his name being "Scotty".
Thanks The Mike, I had forgotten about that great list, and also had forgotten that one of my missions was on it.
Patrick was originally a bass player in the 80's electro-new wave scene (he played for Missing Persons for those of you who remember them) but is best known for his amazing instrumental electronic/new age music over the last 30 years, which has ranged from mellow spacey to world music to acoustic & classical in style. Trust is one of my favorites.Originally Posted by The Mike
On a related note, I also used an excerpt from another of his pieces, A Lovely Place To Be, for the outside ambient music in A Thief's Holiday 2004.
Last edited by Yandros; 21st Jun 2012 at 14:50.
Nice work The Mike. It's really a great collection of FMs you've picked for both lists so far.
Thanks a lot dude! While I like ranting about the popular FMs I like that everyone knows, my favorite thing about these lists is reminding people of great FMs they may have forgotten about or introducing new players to old favorites. For instance, considering how old it is and how zombie/horror missions have flooded the community since its release, I feel like it's my solemn duty to occasionally remind people "Inverted Manse" exists.
SO...RELAXING...
Ambient music isn't normally something I just listen to, but I could definitely leave his stuff going while I'm writing.
[Edit] Oh, forgot to mention- thanks Nickie (I'm assuming) for linking this article on the front page again! It looks considerably better than a 404 error if I do say so myself.
You mean I went to all that trouble and you didn't check? Huh! Edit. Oh you did check - I misread but I'll forgive you.
It's only for my own benefit I must admit. I need a heavy dose of caustic humour occasionally and it's a bit of a bummer if I get a 404 for a link.
It was a great read so thank you for posting it again!
I usually only listen to ambient when I'm working. I find instrumental music that doesn't intrude too much on my conscious mind is best for productivity, compared to vocal music. When Dromeding, I tend to listen to dark ambient rather than the relaxing variety, though.
LMAO! That had me rolling! I'm going to have steal this, I hope you know.
Also, thanks for the favorable review!
NP man, thanks for reading!
...and this seems as tactful a time as any to ask...are you still working on the sequel to Vagabond? Please say yes, over a year later and the cliffhanger you ended on is still killing me.
Funny you should ask that question today.
...Very cryptic Yandros...
Yes.
I happened to know the answer because he told me yesterday....Very cryptic Yandros...
Haven't you gone yet? Too much nudge nudge, wink wink going on here at the moment.
Gone? If you mean my mind, it was gone years ago.
If you mean on vacation, well, yes, I'm there now. Just a quick weekend trip to the mountains. Still got internet.
It's a vacation. You're supposed to get away from that shit.
It's a vacation. You're supposed to get away from that shit.
You don't get it Brethren, being away from this forum, just for one single day, gets a real Taffer into a lot of problems: one can get nasty dreams, disturbing swingmotions with a nonexcisting sword, severe headaches from all the hits on the head from a Hammerite, hidden in a dark corner of a hallway, and a low bloodsugar level, from not eating all of Christine's donuts and cakes and last but not least: a lack of Benny's liquoir!
Just kidding .... I forgot all the good stuff .... carrots, cucumbers, cheese, bread and tomatoes ...... for some reason the fish mostly isn't availableone could use more of Christine's sushi
There're angels who playThief and angels who don't ........ both go to heaven ............
Dare to join .............
Nice list, The Mike. It finally tempted me to check out some of those missions I've been holding off for some reason, Abominable Dr. Dragon being one of those.
Thanks Qakis! Dr. Dragon is one of those long-forgotten FMs that everyone should play- in fact, I may just go around the community breaking knee caps until everyone agrees to give it a try. I love the classic Universal Studios horror movie feel it has going, what with the stone spiral staircases leading to underground laboratories (also, as I mentioned, Boris Karlof's frankenstein monster shows up at one point). When you play it, do yourself a favor, break one of the stained glass windows with a picture of a haunt on it at least once. Trust me.
Mission title: Fortress By the Sea Version 2 (for Thief 2)
Author: Jason Otto (Ottoj55)
Release: September 2003 - October 2005 (V2)
Fortress by the Sea is Jason Otto's (Ottoj55) debut fan mission and first arrived back in 2003. An updated version with better graphics was released three years ago, but the following review is about the classic austere version, that still appeals to me.
The war is not going well for the Baron. His navy is trapped at sea with no means to escape, unless a key enemy fortress is conquered. A captain of the Baron's Fleet has hired the best burglar in the city, Garrett, to infiltrate the fortress, find a way to open the gates so that the Baron's forces can take over and the fleet can escape to safety. One of the objective restrictions, "you can't leave these guys defenseless, no knockouts", which is typically Garrett, who doesn't care who dies as long as he get's his money.
It's quite an interesting assignment and I love the references to the war and the Baron, as originally mentioned in the original T2 missions. I can't think of any other examples of FMs who used this concept
A missing ring; it's up to Garrett to find it and save this marriage.
No detailed map of the structure is attributed at the start or up for grabs during the game so navigating can be a bit confusing at first, before every room and corridor are charted. Some difficulty could surface in finding a way to the basement level of the fortress, but a diary proves helpful in finding a way down. Don't let the kill and knockout limitations discourage you, for the game isn't that hard to accomplish. Patrols can be easily circumvented, plenty of water arrows are at your disposal, and there are often multiple ways to reach your destination.
The fortress is quite small, with long corridors, nicely decorated rooms and a large courtyard. It looks quite good in terms of textures and AI skins and the layout is convincing. A soft layer of fog is included in the mission and the sky is fully covered by clouds, making up for a sober atmosphere. The view on the courtyard and the water, seeing while standing on the walls, looks very appealing. Don't expect the most realistic fortress or castle mission out there however. Some elements to make it stand out more, like defense systems (catapults, ballista's) to use against the Baron's fleet for example when it sails by, or a large shed to withstand a long siege, are absent.
The Fortress' courtyard; perfect for a walk although the guards won't let you.
The AI battle at the end is the big climax, with each time it takes place a different outcome is possible. The slaughter between both troops makes up for a spectacular watch(popcorn anyone?). Too bad the Baron's troops refrain from patrolling the inside of the fortress for remaining defenders, to deal with remaining archers on the walls, but stick to the inner grounds instead. Prior to opening the gate (or afterwards, whatever your preference) an unfortunate pagan can be released from his cell to cause some disturbance and act as a decoy
. Watching the AI fight reminded me once again of how ingenious the AI system in the Thief games is. Drawing your sword at one injured guard prompts him to fly but attack two injured guards combined and they'll launch a joint attack ("come on, together we'll take him").
Blue leads!; the Baron's forces did a poor job.
Most apparent flaw in Fortress v2 is about the Generator Shut Down scroll that displays only a blank page once opened, the same problem I had years ago
Other (minor) flaws involve a rat that can be picked up and displays a carry-body icon (humorous), some sound issues, a few errors in in-game texts, a patrolling guard that walks over the wall onto a lower cliff, and a 'return to your rowboat-objective' that completes before Garrett's returns at his starting point.
But despite the above though, there's nothing actually wrong with Fortress by the Sea version 2 and the flaws can easily be attributed to first-time mistakes by an author who would deliver us with many high-quality FMs in the future. People will undoubtedly enjoy the infiltration of the fortress, finding a way to open the gates while staying undetected, and watching the spectacular AI battle at the end
The Office of Captain Hanover; real classy.
Stats
Difficulty: Expert
Time: 1 hour 19 minutes 7 seconds
Loot: 1914 / 2114
Secrets: N/A
Last edited by The Phantom; 29th Sep 2012 at 10:02.
Missed this when it was first posted.
Great review Phantom! I suddenly want to play this one, missed it way back when it was released. I love me some AI battles (if you love these things too, you should check out "A Brawl in the Tombs" if you haven't yet. AI on AI fights friggen ERY'WHERE!).
Fortress by the Sea was an excellent debut mission. I loved it when it came out. I hope Jason does some more full sized FMs someday.
Good news is Otto's back at it finally, he posted a screenshot of a mission on Facebook today. I don't think it's END, but it might be.
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