Warning: This satirical Taffer's Post contains spoilers for System Shock 1, 2, Deus Ex, Ultima Underworld 2, and Thief 1, 2. Read at your own risk!

Sure, sure… you're guilty too. Tell me, who is it in all of our games that everyone loves to talk about? The main villain? The player character? The pretty lady? ALL the pretty ladies? The comic relief? The loyal friend who was martyred to make you hate the main villain even more? (We'll never forget you guys! Your sacrifice was not in vain!) Yeah, the answer is yes. No, it's not multiple choice - unless all of the above is a choice, but then again, that was a rhetorical question.

But no, that's not fair, and I am going to try to set things right. I am here to talk to you about the unsung heroes of our games: the arch henchman. Yes, I have two in particular in mind as I write this feature, and I would like for everyone to get to know them as I have. These two chaps are Gunther Herman, and Edward Diego; two cyborgs I once called friend.

	My own interpretation of what the Cyborg of Edward Diego really looks like. Notice the black knight stylings and the aggressive stance! Lookin sharp, Edie! Click here for zipped highres version.
	These stills show Edward's arm augmentations in action. They can actually rematerialize into different forms! Shown here are forearm mode, cannon mode, laser rapier mode, and transition.

First of all, what is an arch henchman? They are folks whose only crime was being on the wrong side. Misunderstood, hated, pushed aside and forgotten as soon as they are dealt with, and often come back to haunt you when you least expect - or most expect - only to be once again pushed aside and forgotten, only to be faced again in the off-chance that you play the game over again. But by that time, they have lost all luster, simply another AI to vanquish, and fall deeper into the pit of mediocrity and been-there-done that. It MUST STOP!

First, a little about our two gentlemen.

Edward Diego was a very different person before he met SHODAN - a woman who would change his life, just like many women have done to men since the dawn of creation. However, SHODAN was a very special woman, and Edward was a very special man, and they have a very special relationship together.

Sadly, for Edward, SHODAN was not fond of the idea of both members of a couple giving their 100%, and Edward was often left confused and frustrated, with no concept of what his new master really wanted from him. Before Edward met SHODAN, he was a vice president of a major company. He had power, wealth, fame, and all that good stuff that comes from being a vice president. He gave it all up, however, for a chance to be SHODAN's special someone. Was it worth it? It may have been … but thanks to us, his dream was cut short, never realized, and in time, he was to be forgotten.

We do not know much about Gunther Herman's past, nor do we know much about Anna Navarre, the woman he would eventually die to avenge. What we do know is that Gunther was a man of convictions, deep feelings, high values, and a thirst for his own personal vision of justice. Gunther set clear goals for himself, and would stop at nothing to see those goals through. Are these the traits of a villain or a madman? I think not.

Sadly, Gunther's employer never had Gunther's best interests in mind, and took advantage of the man's strong sense of duty, abused it, and eventually it caused his downfall. Gunther could never forgive JC Denton for killing his dear friend, and maybe more, Anna, and his boss, Walton Simons, knew this all too well. Through manipulation and coercion, Walton placed Gunther into a situation where a fight to the death was the only possibility. Walton, after all, knew that Gunther always fights to the death. Was his death in vain? Sadly, I fear it was.

	This is Gunther Herman, a mountain of a man! Go Gunther!
	Here we see Gunther in his favorite place in the whole wide world.

These two chaps had a great deal in common. For one thing, they were both willing cyborgs. They were not captured and assimilated, but rather voluntarily accepted their augmentation. Gunther became a cyborg in order to serve the United Nations Anti Terrorist Coalition. Edward became a cyborg in order so that he may become closer to SHODAN, and serve her more fully and appropriately.

Both of these two men were friends - at least superficially, to the men who would eventually kill them. Edward rescued his killer from prison, gifted him with similar augmentations, and then inadvertently ensured his survival, and eventual means of victory. Gunther, on the other hand, was once rescued from detention by his killer, befriended him, even trusted him, only to be betrayed, watch his closest friend be murdered, and eventually die a pawn's death.

Both men did battle with their killers at least once before the final confrontation. Edward was sent to stop Employee 2-4601 twice, defeated mercilessly both times, before finally being slain. Gunther was charged with bringing JC Denton back alive - an objective which he had unanimous success at accomplishing, even though he was not always needed to accomplish it, before the final confrontation and slaying.

I had the opportunity of talking with the men responsible for the deaths of Gunther and Edward, to see what they had to say about them. It was very hard to get in touch with them both, so I really hope someone plans to compensate me for my efforts. I want ten dozen boxes of frozen lima beans delivered by elephant, and an envelope filled with unused stamps. On with it then:

Digital Nightfall: Hello Employee 2-4601, how are you today?

2-4601: …

Digital: Er, yes, I have come to ask you about The Cyborg of Edward Diego!

2-4601: …

Digital Nightfall: Damnit, someone hire a voice actor for this guy! Or a writer? Or something! He can't talk!

Bill: Don't call me Bill. My name is William. And how can you talk with me, I'd dead?

Digital: I see dead people.

Bill: Don't make me hurt you.

Digital: Sorry.

JC Denton: We're wearing the same clothes, Digi.

Digital: I can't help it if Neo copied me and you copied Neo. That's beside the point! I more resemble your brother anyway. Note the stylish goatee. Anyway, I'm here to talk to you about Gunther, not Neo or Paul.

JC: What do you want to know about Gunther Herman?

Digital: Is it true what they say about him and Agent Navarre?

JC: What do they say about him and Agent Navarre?

Digital: I'm asking you. This is my interrogation.

JC: It's Majestic 12's fault.

Digital: What is?

JC: It. Whatever it is you are talking about, it's Mj12's fault.

Digital: We're not in Paris, JC. You can't blame Mj12 for everything, you know.

JC: Did you notice that the flowers outside your window have died?

Digital: I've never had flowers outside my window.

JC: That's Mj12's fault.

Digital: I thought Karras was the guy who killed plants?

JC: He's part of Mj12.

Digital: You're shitting me.

JC: As my bother would say, 'I shit you not'. He never actually got to say that, though, but I think his voice file is still somewhere in the archives. He got better lines then me, too. He got to say jackass. Or was it asshole? Or dumbass? I can't remember. It had ass in it. I think so anyway.

Digital: That's a bloody lie. All of it, hogwash!

JC: If it's a lie, then Mj12 made me do it.

Digital: We're supposed to be talking about Gunther!

JC: Name. Job. Bye. God, I've always wanted to say that.

Digital: Bill, please come hurt JC.

	What a guy. Super-human strength was not enough for him - Gunther Herman wanted a gun grafted right into his skull! That's the right way to think, soldier! March! Guther Herman had a flair for the poetic, or something. Listen here as he taunts JC Denton, trying to get the blighter to flinch. Ah yes, fear is a powerful tool, Gunther!

And now I have something much more interesting (I hope so anyway … keep your fingers crossed!). I have commissioned the Illuminati's pet AI, Morpheus, great at parties and celebrations, especially graduations and weddings, to simulate what it would be like if Gunther and Edward actually met.

Digital: Are you ready, Morpheus?

Morpheus: You have _ consumed _ five cans _ of root beer _ within the past _ thirty minutes.

Digital: Morpheus!!!

Morpheus: Sorry.

Digital: Please get on with it, eh?

Morpheus: Yes _ sir.

Simulation begins. Gunther Herman and The Cyborg of Edward Diego materialize.

Gunther Herman: Where am I? One moment, I was destroying that villain Denton, and now I am here in this dark room with this funny looking other augmented person!

Edward Diego: wwwWhat? Hello? Cyborg warrior unit-it-it, state your designation-tion.

Gunther: And he talks as funny as he looks!

Edward: I demand that you identify yourself, cyborg! I demand you escort me to the neaeaearrest cyber-terminal so I may report to ourrr lord SHODAN!

Gunther: Watch who you are making demands of, funny little man. I could crush you between my toes!

Edward: h-hh-How DARE-re-re you! HeHEhaha-I-Hehah_will_EXTINGUISH_Hehaha-You-ououou…

Gunther: I admit, you will try. However I shall be the one doing the extermination. Die!

Digital: Morpheus, STOP THIS!

Simulation paused

Morpheus: This is _ a correct _ simulation.

Digital: Yes, but can't you … make them be in good moods or something? Happy?

Morpheus: I shall _ try.

Simulation resumes.

Gunther: Hello my good friend Edward! Will you do a ballerina dance for me?

Edward: Why yes, my dear friend Gunther! La-la-la!

Gunther : You are such a talented cyborg! I wish I could dance like you!

Edward: Shall we go fish later?

Gunther: Why yes, I have collected bait for our trip. Ten eels, and seven bats!

Edward: Wonderful! I'll rent the boat, we'll go sailing!

Gunther: I cannot wait! I have not had that much fun since the time I played hopscotch with the little boy on 35th avenue!

Simulation ends

Digital: This scares me.

Morpheus: I too _ now understand_ fear.

Digital: Morpheus.

Morpheus: Yes _ Digi?

Digital: Go away.

Morpheus: Yes _ Digi.

	The borgification of Edward Diego was a real improvement on his personality. Listen here and here for a before and after. Notice how having a woman in his life who he can look up to and respect causes him to look up to her and respect her. And of course, as a borg, Edward is a total bad-ass, getting digs at his enemy just like Gunther does.

Before any more chaos ensues, I feel I should wrap things up. I am very glad we got a chance to spend this quality time reflecting upon such great men as Gunther Herman and Edward Diego. Though fate and circumstance, they came into this world in big ways, and left in big ways. True, there are other arch henchman we have encountered in the past, such as Mors Gotha, Viktoria, and That funny guy in System Shock 2 who turned into a big floating brain controlled by a little squishy brain. But Mors Gotha was rather anti-climatic, totally unappealing, and a tad boring. She didn't even have sex appeal! Viktoria changed from arch-villain to martyred best friend in the blink of an eye. Otherwise she'd have been a prime arch-henchman! And that funny guy in System Shock 2 who turned into a big floating brain controlled by a little squishy brain is … er… well I just can't remember his name right now. Sorry. I think it started with a K.

Before I go, I would like to dedicate a song to our two unsung heroes … or, rather, our now thoroughly sung heroes. Here it is!