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Thread: Thief Jokes

  1. #1
    New Member
    Registered: Dec 2013
    Location: The City

    Thief Jokes

    It seems that there aren't any Thief related jokes anywhere, so post them here! I don't know any, but I'll try to come up with something...

    I found these on the internet:

    (I still wonder how Garrett keeps a straight face while stealing.)

    This would probably be me:

    Alright now jokes I came up with (I KNOW, I'M LAME, still worth a try)

    Sheriff joke
    Sheriff: Knock knock
    Guard: Who's there?
    Sheriff: Aren't
    Guard: Aren't who?
    Sheriff: Aren't you supposed to be guarding the door instead of guessing who's outside?

    -I'm done-
    --Please come up with a thief joke and post it, hopefully it will be better than mine--

  2. #2
    Registered: Aug 2009
    How do you know the thief who stole your bike is an idiot?
    You see him running down the street with the bike under his arm

  3. #3
    Registered: Jan 2011
    Location: Wild and Wooly West of Ireland
    Fed up with his life as a guard, Benny decides to devote himself to the Builder and joins a local Hammer monastery.
    As it is a silent order, Benny is instructed that he may only speak two words to the Abbot every seven years, if he so wishes.
    Seven years pass, and a considerably thinner Benny approaches the Abbot and says,
    "Terrible food!"
    Another seven years of monastic life passes by, an exhausted Benny shuffles up to the Abbot and whispers,
    "Uncomfortable beds!"
    Yet another seven years wither into the ether, and Benny has had enough! He marches up to the Abbot and declares,
    " I QUIT!"
    The Abbot replies, " Thank the Builder for that, you've done nothing but complain since you arrived!"
    Last edited by Purgator; 15th Jan 2014 at 07:23.

    Spot on, Chris.

  4. #4
    Registered: Jan 2011
    Location: Wild and Wooly West of Ireland
    After a particularly indulgent feast, Lord Bafford passes wind loudly in front of his astonished guests.
    Embarrassed, he immediately turns to his servant and barks, "Stop that, Jeeves!"
    An indignant Jeeves replies, " Certainly M'Lud, which way did it go?"

    Spot on, Chris.

  5. #5
    Registered: Jan 2011
    Location: Wild and Wooly West of Ireland
    An Acolyte joins a Hammerite abbey ready to dedicate his life to copying ancient books by hand.
    After the first day though, he reports to the head Hammer priest. He's concerned that all the Brothers have been copying from copies, made from still more copies.
    "If someone makes a mistake," he points out, "It would be impossible to detect. Even worse, the error would continue to be made."
    A bit startled, the priest decides that he better check their latest effort against the original which is kept in a vault beneath the abbey, a place only he has access to.
    Two days pass, then three without the Hammer priest resurfacing. Finally the Acolyte decides to see if the old guy is alright. When he gets down to the vault, he discovers the priest hunched over both a newly copied book and the ancient original text.
    The priest is sobbing uncontrollably and by the look of things has been crying for a long time.
    "Father?" the Acolyte whispers.
    "Oh Sweet Builder," the priest wails. "The wwword is..'CELEBRATE!' "
    Last edited by Purgator; 15th Jan 2014 at 16:18.

    Spot on, Chris.

  6. #6
    Registered: Oct 2001
    Location: 0x0x0
    The Trickster, Karras and Gamall walk into The Crippled Burrick.

    The bartender screams, "Get the *@%$% out of here!

  7. #7
    Registered: Jan 2012
    Location: Gèrmany
    Quote Originally Posted by Purgator View Post
    "Oh Sweet Builder," the priest wails. "The wwword is..'CELEBRATE!' "
    Hehe needed some time to get the gears working correctly.

    Investigating a purse snatching, detectives picked up a man who fit the thief's description and drove him back to the scene. He was told to exit the car and face the victim for an ID.
    The suspect carefully eyed the victim, and shouted, 'Yeah, that's the woman I robbed.'

  8. #8
    Registered: Sep 2003
    Location: Sioux Falls, SD
    A young boy is watching his older brother play Thief one lazy Sunday afternoon when suddenly, he sees some ugly gray moaning creatures on the computer monitor.

    The young boy asks, "Hey, bro, are those the Hammer Haunts you keep talking about?"

    The older brother looks down at him with a devilish grin on his face. "Oh no, that's a corpse of a different holler!" (horse of a different color!)

  9. #9
    Registered: Apr 2005
    Location: Heart of Darkness
    A thief's favorite instrument is the loot.

  10. #10
    Registered: Apr 2000
    Location: The Akkala Highlands
    Is that a blackjack in your pocket, or...?

  11. #11
    Registered: Sep 2004

  12. #12
    Registered: May 2012
    Location: France
    Hmm not sure if this counts as a joke, but I remembered this :

  13. #13
    Level 10,000 achieved
    Registered: Mar 2001
    Location: Finland
    What did the Keeper say after young Garrett tried to pick his pocket?
    This one's a keeper!

  14. #14
    Registered: Dec 2011
    Location: Ferrol - Spain
    Two thieves break into a mansion and the alarm sounds
    Hey pal, quick, let's jump out of the window!
    But it's thirteen meters to the ground!
    You and your superstitions, as always!!

  15. #15
    New Member
    Registered: Oct 2001
    found this looking for an old web comic I remembered:

  16. #16
    Registered: Jul 2008
    Wow, most of these are really funny! Here's an oldie but goodie:

    A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

    He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

    Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

    "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

    The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

    "Moses," replied the bird.

    "Moses?" the burglar laughed.. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

    "The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

  17. #17
    Registered: Feb 2008
    Location: on a mission to civilize
    Two thieves walked into a bar, they stole it.

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