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Thread: Status update

  1. #151
    Member
    Registered: Feb 2007
    Location: Sevastapol Station
    Oh goodness has this page of this thread just kept slamming into me.

    Continuing from posts 53 and 55 of this thread.... With all of this talk of relationships, kids, and religion.

    I've been keeping my phone on silent for the last month or so. I miss a lot of calls and text messages, but I try to remember to check so I can get back to people. I had to turn it off because my damn ringtone was triggering my fight-or-flight response, because the only person who actually ever calls me is my estranged wife. And it's usually not a good conversation, or it starts out okay and goes horrible after a few minutes... I just couldn't handle it anymore, and I had a ton of anxiety over it. In July (after those posts earlier) I actually switched my phone off for a week because I was so mad at her, and my lawyers told me that I shouldn't fill awkward empty pauses with words if I feel compelled to in her company. I didn't see my kids at all for over 2 weeks and I apologized to my 4 y/o for turning my phone off, promised him I would keep it on from now on. But even the vibration started to give me the same anxiety attacks that the ringer did, so I turned it to silent.

    Anyway I missed a call tonight by 20 minutes because of it, and it was my oldest (6) calling, left me a VM just to tell me that he misses me and loves me, 90 minutes after his bed time. So I'm sure he was having trouble sleeping and might have been crying before he called. Tried calling back, but no answer. And I'm a little bit destroyed by that, something you might not understand if you don't have kids. In this moment I am completely destroyed by that little voice.

    I can't see them without "supervision" because of an outrageous claim on her part. In the past 3 months we've been to court 3 times over it, and the judges don't want to make a decision, so they've left it up to us to agree on something. Which we don't, and it puts her in charge because she has day to day care of them.

    Throughout all of this, I know where I was at fault in our marriage. Less than 2 months from now would have been our 10 year, and we've been separated since Christmas. I REALLY try to make sure I understand things from her perspective and realize that I can't claim to be 100% in the right, I never would. My inability to be vulnerable and share things like icemann is talking about is part of it, and I can own up to that, but she is taking the most remote and unrelated things and using them to say that I'm dangerous for the children. Part of the problem is probably that I'm on a sure and steady exit from Mormonism, and she disagrees with any relationship I've had that was remotely conjugal before our marriage, and is using examples of that (citing them in court documents) to keep me from seeing my kids without somebody looking over my shoulder.

    I don't want to come here to try to demonize her or anything... I can own up to my mistakes and how she feels about them. And I can even forgive her for whatever slights I feel there were in our marriage, and during the separation, but that doesn't mean I have to go back to her.

    And the stupid thing is every time I try to do something that I think will ease some of her pain about the situation, it ends up making things worse. It's like I'm playing a game where she made up the rules and wont tell me what they are, and I keep fucking it up. "You shouldn't have taken the kids to your place, their therapist says they can't handle it, you should have spoken to me first." coupled with "He passed his swimming lessons with flying colours, oh right, you didn't know he was in them because you never asked and I'm not volunteering information."

    I'm calling my lawyer tomorrow and getting started on the divorce papers. And the fucked up thing is now I'm going to have to take her back to court over me simply being able to see my own kids without a goddamned moderator...

    At least I got a new job. First one I'd call a "real" one. With a generous salary, vacation time, benefits, bonuses, and profit sharing... I'll probably be giving 2/3 of it to her, but that's okay because I need to take care of my kids. They have an empty room over here with bunk beds and pokemon shit all over the place. I'd love for them to see it sometime.

    If only this status update could say "Hey I got a new job. Here's why it's awesome." and end there.

  2. #152
    Member
    Registered: Jun 2004
    Quote Originally Posted by demagogue View Post

    Now that it's over, whenever I move any icon on the desktop, the other icons move from their place, and sometimes the icon I'm moving moves itself to another place, along with the other icons. So it's impossible to line any icons up anywhere.
    Omg, my Win10 has been doing that since forever! I thought I was the only one T_T

  3. #153
    Member
    Registered: Mar 2001
    Location: Melbourne, Australia
    Windows 7 ftw .

  4. #154
    Moderator
    Registered: Jan 2003
    Location: NeoTokyo
    I found the fix easily enough anyway (for my problem; not promising it's the same problem you have).

    It can be fixed by changing some registry values. Go to this location in regedit :

    HKEY_CURRENT_USER\Control Panel\Desktop\WindowMetrics

    You will find keys named IconSpacing and IconVerticalSpacing.

    To solve this problem you need to increes the value of IconVerticalSpacing.

    (You can also play around with the IconSpacing value to increase horizontal gap between icons.)

    By default,the values of both IconSpacing and IconVerticalSpacing is -1125 in Creators Update and in previous versions too.*

    *(In 1366x768 resolution and 100% scaling.)

    You need to change the IconVerticalSpacing value to -1200 and then sign out and log in again,and it will be same as previous version.

    Proof :

    IconVerticalSpacing's value is -1200

    P.S.

    You can also use Winaero Tweaker to change the icon spacing with a nice user interface.

    enter image description here
    shareimprove this answer

    edited Jun 19 at 12:05

    answered Jun 19 at 7:36

  5. #155
    Member
    Registered: Apr 2001
    Location: Switzerland
    Is that on the replacement laptop?

  6. #156
    Member
    Registered: Dec 2007
    Location: Finger paintings of the insane
    Does anybody care to hear the 'Ballad of gunny', regarding my last couple years? Few have fallen so fucking far, so fast. If I post pics, you won't believe it's the same guy. Any interest, I'll share. I miss you all so much.


    I miss Ben Figgins, too...

  7. #157
    Level 10,000 achieved
    Registered: Mar 2001
    Location: Finland
    Gunny! It's been a while. I'd love to hear what you've been up to.

  8. #158
    Member
    Registered: Dec 2007
    Location: Finger paintings of the insane
    I miss you too,
    henke. Gimme a bit. This is hard for me.

  9. #159
    Moderator
    Registered: Jan 2003
    Location: NeoTokyo
    Whoa, welcome back. Well that's what this thread is for, for people to let all of us know what's up with their lives.
    You're on the team so this is for you too.

    Quote Originally Posted by Thirith View Post
    Is that on the replacement laptop?
    This is the original laptop that the new one which broke down ... well didn't exactly replace, but this one isn't for gaming and the new one is (was). The motherboard blew out after only seven months, which to my mind is much too young in computer-years for that kind of thing to happen, and too early for the warranty to have expired for that kind of thing.

  10. #160
    Administrator
    Registered: Sep 2001
    Location: above the clouds
    Quote Originally Posted by icemann View Post
    Sex was great which was the only reason I stuck around for so long.
    This sounds a lot like my second attempt at a "relationship". I was going out with a woman who had previously tried to kill herself by jumping off the top of a multi-storey car park. She was probably as demanding as this woman you gave up on eventually. I don't think it's uncommon for men to take a lot of abuse for a good shag. I tried to validate myself by saying I was "kind" to be "looking after" her.

    However you can only see it wasn't worth the price afterwards. I really don't want to try being with a woman again until I feel I can avoid making the same mistake. I'm vulnerable to be used and influenced. Being changed like you say.

    Quote Originally Posted by Volitions Advocate View Post
    Anyway I missed a call tonight by 20 minutes because of it, and it was my oldest (6) calling, left me a VM just to tell me that he misses me and loves me, 90 minutes after his bed time. So I'm sure he was having trouble sleeping and might have been crying before he called. Tried calling back, but no answer. And I'm a little bit destroyed by that, something you might not understand if you don't have kids. In this moment I am completely destroyed by that little voice.
    Well done with the job. Despite the problems with the estranged wife does she at least use money sensibly?

    I also know what you mean about your child calling. It must be worse when their Mum is making things awkward for you. I ended up with the opposite situation where I have primary care of the kids, but it's very unusual. She happened to fall apart and my family helped get her to move out. I was backed up by social services (in the UK) so she wouldn't have been able to get full custody.

    I'm wondering if you felt pressured to move out because I read something about lawyers hoping the man hasn't moved out if they turn up asking for advice. It was just one book about a single father but seemed to make sense...


    I might have been able to write more but I realise I have trouble with it at the moment because of my quite serious sleep problems. It's not easy to focus after I've been trying to work most of the day.

    I had a week of feeling normal because I was given a few zopiclone tablets, but they don't give you many. I'd forgotten what normally awake was. I'm back to practically nodding off at my desk at 11am now I've run out of pills. The suggestion is that I've got a bad case of sleep apnea. It's useful to know that sleep is a problem, but it's been casting a shadow over my life for at least 15 years. On top of the rest of the things that cause trouble for me.

  11. #161
    Member
    Registered: Mar 2001
    Location: Melbourne, Australia
    Quote Originally Posted by scumble View Post
    This sounds a lot like my second attempt at a "relationship". I was going out with a woman who had previously tried to kill herself by jumping off the top of a multi-storey car park. She was probably as demanding as this woman you gave up on eventually. I don't think it's uncommon for men to take a lot of abuse for a good shag. I tried to validate myself by saying I was "kind" to be "looking after" her.

    However you can only see it wasn't worth the price afterwards. I really don't want to try being with a woman again until I feel I can avoid making the same mistake. I'm vulnerable to be used and influenced. Being changed like you say.
    In my case she was a crazy that made sense once you got to know her (using her logic). Didn't make it any less crazy. But yeah, we were completely fine as friends with benefits, but the second we'd be "official" then she'd turn into a psycho and need phone time all the damn time + be more clingy. I was too young at the time to know better, so put up with more. As time went on, and I grew up I put up with less. When she cheated at the end of it (over a 4 month period of time) that was it for me. Bye bye.



    That REALLY messed me up for ages afterward. I didn't go out with anyone for a long time. Friends with benefits stuff here and there sure, but nothing more. Then university life came along and then that was my 100% focus. Met my current fiance during that stage. It's always when your not looking, that that is when you find the good ones.

  12. #162
    Mistaken for a man
    Registered: Jun 2000
    Location: Helsinki, Finland
    VA, what a shitty situation, I hope things clear up. Congrats on your new job!
    Quote Originally Posted by Volitions Advocate View Post
    Anyway I missed a call tonight by 20 minutes because of it, and it was my oldest (6) calling, left me a VM just to tell me that he misses me and loves me, 90 minutes after his bed time. So I'm sure he was having trouble sleeping and might have been crying before he called. Tried calling back, but no answer. And I'm a little bit destroyed by that, something you might not understand if you don't have kids. In this moment I am completely destroyed by that little voice.
    I don't have kids, but I can still imagine how devastating that must've been for you Also I know exactly why you turned your phone off it's amazing how intensely you can react to just seeing "X calling" on the screen, it really can trigger a full-blown anxiety attack.

  13. #163
    Member
    Registered: Feb 2007
    Location: Sevastapol Station
    Thanks Vasquez,
    I'm glad somebody understands the phone thing.

    @Gunny: I miss the shit out of you man. Been like 3 years since I've seen you on steam

  14. #164
    Mistaken for a man
    Registered: Jun 2000
    Location: Helsinki, Finland
    Today's status: another crash. Dad's nurse called on wednesday afternoon that he wasn't home. I promised to go and see later, and when I did, some neighbors had just helped him home he had fallen in front of the cellar door, on the way to put his rollator in.
    Turned out he had wobbled his way to the liquor store and back, over 1 km away. I reacted the same as when I was a kid, barely-controlled anxiety and an urgent need to get the hell away asap. However I made him some sandwiches, gave him his evening meds etc. and then came home to worry what's gonna happen to him.

    Yesterday I waited for a phone call from the day nurse, after 1 pm started to relax, but the second I was away from my phone she had called to tell she'd found dad on the floor and he was taken to a hospital. So I called there, and I'm ashamed to say I was DISAPPOINTED when they said he's okay, just legs gone weak, "maybe" he stays overnight. I was so stressed my back muscles cramped all over, and I had to wait for 2-3 hours to hear whether I have go take him home the same evening, but finally they told they'll keep him overnight.
    After that I got the worst anxiety attack for a long time, and with the back cramps that was even more horrible I took about every pill I found in my med cabinet, and finally fell asleep. Today I called the health center, fortunately they gave me an appointment right away, and again I bawled my head off to a (thankfully sympathetic) doctor. He arranged for the psych nurse to call me to make an appointment, as well as physiotherapy & prescribed Triptyl for the muscle tension.

    Woah. Happy birthday to me

  15. #165
    Administrator
    Registered: Sep 2001
    Location: above the clouds
    Well that certainly sucked, Vas. Fortunately you seem to be getting some help. Do you have sleep issues generally or was this just tying to sleep post-attack?

    I feel somewhat less isolated in feeling I've got a load more shit to deal with these most people after reading this thread. Many of us pushed to breaking point...

  16. #166
    Mistaken for a man
    Registered: Jun 2000
    Location: Helsinki, Finland
    *hugs scumbly*
    Stress always causes sleep problems for me, so the last few years have been quite on-and-off with the sleeping. Some might think "oh so what, so he drunk a bit" etc. but I've had certain issues all through my adult life that are rooted to my childhood with bout-drinking parent. It's weird how those emotions from the past can surge back in similar situations with such overwhelming force.

  17. #167
    New Member
    Registered: Oct 2017
    I'm new to the forums so be gentle with me
    I have a vacation coming up next week (well actually it starts in like an hour) and my plan is to spend some of it getting into playing Thief FMs, a thing I never did before... That I'll be inbetween getting my son started up in his new kindergarden, various household projects and well, general life.

    This forum looks like such a cosy place, so hope to become an active part of it

  18. #168
    Member
    Registered: Mar 2001
    Location: Melbourne, Australia
    Welcome Tommy.

  19. #169
    New Member
    Registered: Oct 2017
    Thanks a bunch

  20. #170
    Administrator
    Registered: Sep 2001
    Location: above the clouds
    Welcome Tommy, you could be playing FMs solid for months and not run out - check the FM forum for recommendations.

  21. #171
    Administrator
    Registered: Sep 2001
    Location: above the clouds
    Quote Originally Posted by Vasquez View Post
    *hugs scumbly*
    Stress always causes sleep problems for me, so the last few years have been quite on-and-off with the sleeping. Some might think "oh so what, so he drunk a bit" etc. but I've had certain issues all through my adult life that are rooted to my childhood with bout-drinking parent. It's weird how those emotions from the past can surge back in similar situations with such overwhelming force.
    Probably if people haven't known an alcoholic, they're just thinking about people being drunk all the time. Most of the problem is the behaviour - with my former spouse it was hiding wine bottles, pretending the wine was mixed with water, hiding a cup full of wine in the wardrobe, tantrums when booze is denied. Don't know if that's all familiar, as you had it from a child's perspective. It's still suffering from a person's shitty behaviour when you can't get rid of them for one reason or another.

    I think your emotions work on low-level circuits that you can't control, and without a great deal of self awareness you get carried along by it. For me it's been a long process of convincing myself that the shit I've experienced in life isn't all down to me. I've made mistakes and stupid decisions, but what's really brought me to the lowest state is chronic issues from life experience and rarely discovering anyone who can understand the experience.

    If you talk to anyone who hasn't experienced a mood disorder they'll tell you to cheer up or go for a walk. But that's like putting a band-aid on stab wound. It's the same with chronic tiredness - the usual advice on getting a good sleep doesn't help because you aren't in any normal range of having had a slightly bad sleep. It seems like the internet is the only way to find people who understand - most people you're likely to encounter just avoid you if you keep talking about your problems and won't keep to the weather or your next holiday.

    Yet still it would be helpful to know more people IRL who do genuinely understand how shit you're feeling and aren't just making a sympathetic noise and saying "I imagine it must be hard for you". Most people's sympathy only extends as far as their experience.

    Bit of a tangent, just going into some things I've been thinking recently.

  22. #172
    New Member
    Registered: Oct 2017
    Quote Originally Posted by scumble View Post
    Welcome Tommy, you could be playing FMs solid for months and not run out - check the FM forum for recommendations.
    Hey thanks, I have already been reading through some of the recommendations. Had some starting problems with graphics, but voodoo47 got me sorted out in a jiffy, like this forum already!
    I was always most into the mansion, bank etc. missions of Thief, never cared much for horror, zombies burricks etc... I just grabbed a single mission to get set-up and ready... All Torc... Seems high rated, but don’t know if its a good mission for getting into FMs

  23. #173
    Maybe with some of those...

    But I've tried medication before and it was a complete disaster. It just resulted in a gradually destabilizing mood until people started noticing, I got sent in for mandatory therapy, at which point I stopped taking the pills and things got better. Things never did start improving until I was able to get switched out of that job and I used the extra time in my schedule to reconnect with some old friends and build new relationships (including romantic) to replace ones I'd lost.

    The only real cure for some of these issues is developing a strong support network. At this point I suspect that the huge epidemic of mental illness in America has to do with the almost complete breakdown of family structures and romantic relationships that means many people will never know what it's like to have people in your life who genuinely are invested in seeing you be happy and healthy. Without that emotionally safe outlet it doesn't take long for the pressure to build up and explode in an unhealthy way.

    Peterson (A psychiatrist who has done lectures at U. Toronto and Harvard) has said as much in his practice. When it comes to treating mental illness it is rarely a simple as just identifying something wrong with the brain chemistry and the people suffering those mental illnesses are invariably facing an existential crisis.

    Of course to some extent I think that happens to everyone. What matters is that you can either channel the blowup in a healthy way (over the years I've learned how to channel my rage into a fury at the gym that has to look fairly demented to an observer) or to recover quickly and function in society after the fact.


    And VA:

    Good luck with that. It can be rough since the family court system is massively stacked against the male parent in most instances (although there's no shortage of horror stories where they give males who are demonstrated psychopaths full custody). That said you shouldn't be blaming yourself. I'm sure you CAN find areas where you are at fault, but that simply isn't helpful to either your mental health or your legal case right now....because she sure as hell isn't going to admit any fault on her end and it sounds like she's going out of her way to drag your reputation through the mud.
    Last edited by Tony_Tarantula; 14th Oct 2017 at 21:57.

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