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Thread: Anybody here?

  1. #76
    Member
    Registered: Aug 2009
    Location: Montreal, Canada
    Quote Originally Posted by baeuchlein View Post
    "I am a ball wielder..."
    I'm not even gonna comment

  2. #77
    Member
    Registered: Oct 2016
    Location: Blundering through the shadows
    Sutter's balls, Reeve!

  3. #78
    Member
    Registered: Jan 2011
    Location: Wild and Wooly West of Ireland

  4. #79
    Member
    Registered: Dec 2013
    ♫Who's here?... I'm here... We're here♫ [Sorry, couldn't resist. A cookie crisp ice cream cone to the taffer who can identify that line from a movie ]

  5. #80
    Desperately Dodgy Moderator
    Registered: Nov 2001
    Location: Fields of bluegrass

  6. #81
    Member
    Registered: Dec 2004
    Location: Germany
    Think you're so clever?

  7. #82
    Member
    Registered: Mar 2015
    Location: Wisconsin
    Quite.

    Yes.

  8. #83
    Member
    Registered: Aug 2009
    Location: Montreal, Canada
    Quote Originally Posted by Grandmauden View Post
    Quite.

    Yes.
    You just wait til my friends arrive

  9. #84
    Desperately Dodgy Moderator
    Registered: Nov 2001
    Location: Fields of bluegrass
    When are they going to bring me my cookie crisp ice cream cone, that's what I want to know....

  10. #85
    Member
    Registered: Jan 2011
    Location: Wild and Wooly West of Ireland
    Bet the Baron gets to eat cookie crisp ice cream cones all the time...Not jello, jello, jello...

  11. #86
    Member
    Registered: Nov 2010
    Location: Beyond boundaries of Magia
    I have found fools more goodly hidden than thee!

  12. #87
    Member
    Registered: Jan 2011
    Location: Wild and Wooly West of Ireland
    'Lay thyself on my anvil, thief...
    One stroke more, my brother...
    Receive thy pounding...'

    Brother Double Entendre always patrolled alone...
    Last edited by Purgator; 8th Feb 2018 at 10:04.

  13. #88
    Member
    Registered: Aug 2009
    Location: Montreal, Canada
    Some of the thieves had impure intentions for Garrett too.

    "When I find you, I'm gonna take my time with you!"

  14. #89
    Member
    Registered: Dec 2004
    Location: Germany

    You know, we could probably make a whole play or movie out of this...


    LIFE IN THE CASTLE: A STORY FROM THE WORLD OF THIEF

    ACT ONE: THE MONSTER BELOW THE TABLE

    We are outside Baron Hilarius van Phatt's castle, located in the City. A female ex-Hammerite, now among the Mechanists, absent-mindedly mumbles one of the Hammers' sayings while passing along.

    Female Mechanist: "Virginity is our shield that protects us from swollen wombs..."

    The camera hovers through a window into Baron Hilarius van Phatt's domain. It is supper time, and the Sir is busily transforming food into entrail fillings. His dining manners are far from Baron-ish, and the floor is soon littered with food the Sir's fingers could not successfully insert into the space between his teeth. It also doesn't help much that the Sir has already transferred lots of wine into the supermassive black hole also known as his mouth. A servant is looking with growing horror at the desaster area, because he is fully aware of the fact that someone will have to clean this up afterwards. He already has an idea about who this someone will be.

    Baron (speaking with full mouth, loosing a lot of half-eaten stuff in the process): "Eat and eat and eat and crush and fill..."

    Servant (looking at the mess and its creator, temporarily forgetting who is his master): "Stop this villain! Someone!"

    Drunk guard, lying in the corner: (snores) "... taffer..."

    Baron (spitting something not tasty enough for his Fatness on the floor): "Hm. Must've been rats. But I'm not even gonna vomit. (burp)"

    Servant: "How RUDE!"

    Baron (drunk and partially to himself): "They put me here because I was urinating in the street... Now I ask you: Is that fair?"

    The Baron moves around a bit on his seat. Suddenly, the sound of breaking wood is heard, and Sir van Phatt comes to rest on the floor.

    Baron (looking around): "These chairs have seen better days..."

    Servant (addressing the Sir while looking at the remains of the former chair): "Look, one of your things is broken. You better get someone to fix it!"

    Guard (still half asleep): "Who's there? Who made that noise?"

    Meanwhile, a piece of chicken with lots of fatty grease on it escapes the monstrous grab of the Sir's fingers and shoots away, vanishing in the darkness below the dinner table. The Sir immediately goes into hot pursuit, diving under the table with surprising ease. From above, only his enormous buttocks can now be seen, putting his trouser's material to a lot of mechanical stress.

    Servant: "GUARDS! There's a FAT person here!"

    Baron (recognizing his employee's voice): "Oh please! Who's in charge here?"

    Guard (brains slowly powering up from drunken stupor): "Hokeh, hokeh, I'm coming!"

    The guard comes into sight, just avoiding several collisions with walls, columns and other vile stone creations intent on giving him trouble. Or so he thinks.

    Servant (pointing at the Sir): "I saw him lying there, fat in my sight."

    The rats start to chitter in the walls. Smells of food have come their way, and familiar sounds of meat hitting the floor. But there are too many human voices there to get out and have dinner yet.

    Guard (coming into visual range of the dinner table mess): "This didn't look like this this morning..."

    The rats' noses have signalled the rest of their organisms that there's some food around. Greed grows above caution, so the vermin start to swarm out and join the Sir below the dining table. Both species ignore each other while searching for food.

    Servant (looking at Baron's planet-sized belly as well as the area where the digestive system's exit is located): "Time for another visit to the tailor, I think... phew..."

    The Sir suddenly produces a sound not unlike a belching burrick, yet not from his mouth. A toxic green cloud emerges from his entrails. The Sir's digestive system goes into processing mode. The rats flee in panic, knowing that there might be more eruptions soon. They know death when they smell it.

    Guard: "Something made a noise! Quiet!!"

    Servant (retreating from the expanding green fumes): "He's ARMED!"

    Guard (catching the smell): "Gah! All right, who did that? Who did that?"

    The guard continues searching for the source of the foul stench, suddenly making eye contact with the part of his Sir's anatomy usually used for sitting and other profane operations.

    Guard (not accustomed to identifying his Sir by the looks of his butt): "COME OUT! IN THE NAME OF SHERIFF GORMAN TRUART!"

    The Sir tries to simultaneously process the new information he obtains from his ears as well as finally hunting that chicken down. His overloaded brains are too busy to formulate a response, let alone transfer it to his vocal cords successfully.

    Guard: "You can either come out quietly or get yourself hurt!"

    The Sir has finally made up his mind concerning the whole situation. The chicken is forgotten for the moment, and the Sir is just about to tell the guard that the latter is fired, when his sudden attempt to stand up and look a bit more lord-ish ends with his head first hitting the table from below, the the floor beneath it. His brains decide to pull the plug for a while and temporarily go to sleep.

    Guard (still watching the butt filling out the space below the table): "You're SO fat, pal!"

    The guard dutifully lowers his head below the table and is beginning to recognize the mess on the floor there. An enormous pile of human, surprisingly clad in the Baron's clothes, firmly rests among food leftovers, spoils and common sub-table dirt. The butt is just a part of the whole horrible monster there. And neither does belong down there.

    Guard: "Hey... this isn't supposed to look this way."

    Discovering a head attached to that large, somewhat human-shaped piece of meat clad like a noble, the guard tries to communicate to the unidentified human life form down there.

    Guard (knocking on the head of the still unconscious Sir): "Hello? Anyone there?"

    The guard has struggled long and hard to get his brain functions fully back on-line, and is finally successful. Once he recognizes that the largest piece of meat below the table is actually his Sir, he is a lot more awake than before.

    Guard (turning to servant): "Curse it! Get some help here!"

    Guard (to unconscious Sir): "Are you all right? No... no, of course, you're not all right! Sorry!"

    Guard (realizing he's in DEEP trouble now): "Oh no... the Sir will have our heads!"

    - END OF ACT ONE -

  15. #90
    Member
    Registered: Oct 2016
    Location: Blundering through the shadows
    That was certainly... an experience. I can't even say this thread is going off the rails, because I don't think there were any rails to begin with.

  16. #91
    Member
    Registered: Nov 2001
    Location: Pacific Northwest
    Oops, sorry.

  17. #92
    Member
    Registered: Aug 2009
    Location: Montreal, Canada
    Quote Originally Posted by baeuchlein View Post
    We are outside Baron Hilarius van Phatt's castle
    I assume he's entombed in the Hilarius Extension?

  18. #93
    Member
    Registered: Dec 2004
    Location: Germany
    No Barons were harmed during the creation of this movie. Or at least not permanently.

    He's just unconscious, not dead yet. Can't say the same about the rat he fell onto, though.

  19. #94
    New Member
    Registered: Aug 2012
    Location: Taffing in a pub
    HEY! Quit Taffing Around (HIC!).

  20. #95
    Member
    Registered: May 2002
    Location: The Netherlands
    Quote Originally Posted by baeuchlein View Post
    baeuchlein's masterpiece


    A couple of years ago my husband and I visited Cardia in Porto, Portugal.
    As he was showing us around we kept talking these typical Taffertalk to one another as in for example: come out .... I won't hurt you ..... much

    Last edited by nickie; 12th Feb 2018 at 15:29. Reason: Thought the quote needed shortening. :)
    There're angels who playThief and angels who don't ........ both go to heaven ............
    Dare to join .............

  21. #96
    Member
    Registered: Aug 2009
    Location: Montreal, Canada
    Quote Originally Posted by baeuchlein View Post
    LIFE IN THE CASTLE: A STORY FROM THE WORLD OF THIEF

    ACT ONE: THE MONSTER BELOW THE TABLE

    ....
    Do people really pay money to see this stuff?

  22. #97
    Member
    Registered: Oct 2016
    Location: Blundering through the shadows
    Yes, but less than you would think.










    75 gold between the lot of them if you want to get technical...

  23. #98
    New Member
    Registered: Jul 2005
    What? In Karras's name is someone there?

    Last edited by Marmbo; 10th Feb 2018 at 23:03.

  24. #99
    Member
    Registered: Jan 2011
    Location: Wild and Wooly West of Ireland

  25. #100
    Member
    Registered: Jun 2009
    Location: Sunnyport
    Quote Originally Posted by baeuchlein View Post
    You know, we could probably make a whole play or movie out of this...


    LIFE IN THE CASTLE: A STORY FROM THE WORLD OF THIEF

    ACT ONE: THE MONSTER BELOW THE TABLE

    ...

    - END OF ACT ONE -
    What in the Builder's name...

    I was planning on consuming food momentarily, too. I thought TTLG was safe pre-meal territory.

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