Forum: Thief
Topic: *TANGENT* Linguists are really gremlins...

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CardinalFang posted 04-27-99 06:09 PM ET (US)
OK folks, to reduce the load on cptsawbones' e-mail box, let's continue the tangent here. And what a glorious tangent it is!

P.S. For those who haven't been following along, the thread that started it all is right here:

I'm really looking forward to this. How I do enjoy a good tangent, especially with the fellow nutcases we have on this board contributing.

Now, anyone care to pick up where we left off? I will be leaving for a while but will return in a few hours.


Flamineo posted 04-27-99 06:12 PM ET (US)
At the risk of incurring the wrath of the Church, I vote you lay off the more sesquipedalian members of this community.

And concentrate on the sociologists.

CardinalFang posted 04-27-99 06:34 PM ET (US)
Heh heh.. well, we can't concentrate on only one group. Cardinal Fang is an Equal Opportunity Offender (EOF). I'd get sued if I didn't offend everybody.


Back in his office, Cardinal Fang retrieves his copy of FOPC from underneath several copies of his latest one-page manuscript, entitled "What Cardinal Fang Knows About Linguistics, Sociology, and Psychology Combined". He settles back in his chair, awaiting General Stonewall's report concerning a plan to lead the academic types into the fires of the Lost City...


[This message has been edited by CardinalFang (edited April 27, 1999).]

Stonewall posted 04-27-99 06:35 PM ET (US)


Man, the Internet reaches farther than I thought!

Flamineo posted 04-27-99 06:43 PM ET (US)
Literally "a foot & a half long" or something, & I think it can be applied to metric verse as well as measurement. But I mean "exhibiting a tendency to use excessively long words for no good reason", which it can mean as well. Don't have a multivolume dictionary to hand to check for a first recorded occurrence. It's a really weak gag, but I can never resist it.
Stonewall posted 04-27-99 06:43 PM ET (US)
When last we left our Heroes, the forces of Light, Might, and Reason, General Stonewall was in the dungeons of the Cathedral, desperately avoiding a pacing and invective-spitting CardinalFang...

Please calm down, Your Eminence! Remember your blood pressure!

When the Cardinal does not immediately reply, Stonewall realizes he is the only real person on the thread...

HehHeh...Put the Cardinal in this empty cell, Colonel, I must check the study for...subversives, yes that's it subversives!

As fast as his dignity will allow, the General climbs the stairs toward the Cardinal's locked study...

Stonewall posted 04-27-99 06:58 PM ET (US)
Later, the General places the still oddly quiescent CardinalFang into his desk chair and leaves...a moment later he returns, places the unconcious Churchman's left hand in a bowl of warm water, and silently slips out again, locking the door behind him...

I love it when he leaves me in charge...

JimmyTheHand posted 04-27-99 07:14 PM ET (US)
General Stonewall,

I Just had an epi..epithan... ... ... A great idea.

To lure the linguists to the Lost City of fire and lava... well need to use some bait... now I've got to thinking... What really, really, really makes a Linguist or really anybody angry...

I came up with two options

Option Number 1: We could use a mime to taunt them... but quite frankly I think we would kill him before we could use him..

Option Number 2: We string together a huge multitude of... .... Get this ... ...
(Whispers)Dangling Participles...Linguist hate those especially if we get someone like Yoda to do them.
Anyway when we get them close to the edge well suprise them with the lastest edition of FOPC.... Then well barrage them with a slew of Double negatives.... They'll have to run screaming into the lava after that....Whacha think?


Stonewall posted 04-27-99 07:26 PM ET (US)
A brilliant plan, Colonel, simply brrrilliant...

Get together a squad of your most uneducated lackeys, and meet me at the edge of the forest.

Strides toward the study with a straight razor and a can of Barbasol, whistling...

[This message has been edited by Stonewall (edited April 27, 1999).]

Jennie posted 04-27-99 07:33 PM ET (US)
What you really need to stampede those linguists are some botanists. A few cries of "Calmintha grandiflora 'Varigata'","Fagus sylvatica", or "Sinocalycanthus chinesis" should give them all most satisfactory fits.

[This message has been edited by Jennie (edited April 27, 1999).]

JimmyTheHand posted 04-27-99 07:38 PM ET (US)
Or how about Dangling participles in Pig Latin

OR Wait I've got it....Botanists talking in Pig Latin with Dangling Partiples...

Something Like...Almintha'cae Andiflora'grae ere'whae re'aea ou'yae oing'gae o'tae

That will really shake them up.

I borrowed the really big words from Gardner Jennie

[This message has been edited by JimmyTheHand (edited April 27, 1999).]

Stonewall posted 04-27-99 07:43 PM ET (US)
Returns from the study, holding a towel containing half a moustache and some soap suds, a bottle of ale under his coat...

Ah, our gardener Jennie, always so helpful and trusting...Colonel, please scare me up a couple of Botanists...

And you, young lady, you and Tim sit down in this nice Comfy chair and tell us all about where you learned those big words...

JimmyTheHand posted 04-27-99 08:04 PM ET (US)
General But all the Lackey's I can Find are too stupid to even know what a Botanist is.

I think I'll have to go hunting for one...
This could take a while considering all know botanists are also part of the LPSO (Linguist physchologist and sociologist organization)

I think we need a spy... Gardner Jennie Will be perfect for the job.

[This message has been edited by JimmyTheHand (edited April 27, 1999).]

Stonewall posted 04-27-99 08:19 PM ET (US)
Colonel, I have a few suspicions about our friend Jennie...she knows an awful lot of big words, and that little feller she's holding looks too smart by half...

If we could turn her into a double agent, perhaps..

I'll be popping in and out, gang, somebody has to fix the sinks in this mausoleum, and guess who's nominated

Jennie posted 04-27-99 10:25 PM ET (US)

Who, me? But, but, I'm humor-impaired. A severe affliction when married to an a guy who makes lots of puns.

Besides, I get the big words from gardening catalogs. It's so nice to sink into a large comfy chair with a cup of tea and a stack of catalogs. (I do thank you so much General, true hospitality.) So much easier than dragging compost hither and yon.

smiles sweetly

Tim toddles over and hits the spacebar...arghh! (born 4/10/98 and already helping Mom with her computer).

Ninja posted 04-27-99 11:17 PM ET (US)
Me not use big words no more, me no linguist expert!


Oh bugger, I just gave myself away I think... damn... quick everyone, run for the exit's while I distract them with a copy of the grammer checker from the latest version of M$ Word. If that doesn't totally destroy any knowledge of grammar they may have, nothing will!

CardinalFang posted 04-28-99 12:18 AM ET (US)
Well, I leave the thread alone for a few haours and look what happens! Excuse me, I am unable to type because I'm laughing so hard. Be right back.


CardinalFang posted 04-28-99 01:16 AM ET (US)
Cardinal Fang is slumped over the desk in his study, with a lingering headache and his arm resting lightly in a bowl of cold water. Suddenly, he awakes with a start. He bolts upright in his chair, splashing water all over himself. Noticing a bright light shining directly at his face, he panics and begins to recite the names and addresses of people who also subscribe to FOPC.

He quickly realizes that the light is coming from his open study window, and that it is daylight. Straightening out his ruffled Cardinal suit, he calms himself down and shuffles the papers on his desk to steady his nerves.

It dawns upon the Cardinal that he needs a drink, badly. He rings the bell near his desk, and within moments a servant arrives.

Servant: "Your Eminence! You're awake! How are you feeling, sir?"

CF: "Like crap. Get me a bottle of Jack Daniels, on the double."

Servant:[protests] "But, sir, we are in medieval times. J.D. has not been invented yet!"

CF: [fixes the servant with a look which says that he is not interested in such mudane details]

Servant:[blanches]: "Of course, Your Eminence! Right away sir."

The servant scurries off to complete his task. Meanwhile, Cardinal Fang is desperately trying to remember the sequence of events that led to him falling asleep.

"Yes", he muses to himself, "this is another one of Stone's practical jokes. I told him to knock it off, but he never listens."

Realizing that he has more important things to worry about, he gets out of the chair and begins to change into a fresh clean Cardinal suit. When he has just finished changing and adjusting his smashing new red skullcap, the servant arrives, timidly sets down a silver tray with a bottle of Old No. 7 and a shot glass, and leaves mumbling apologies about the wait.

CardinalFang grabs the bottle by the neck, twists off the cap, and is about to chug straight from the bottle when it occurs to him what happened the last time he did that. He pauses. Gingerly, he takes the shot glass, fills it, and begins to sip his whiskey.

Browsing though the sheaves of paper on his desk, he notices a new report from General Stonewall (who has been thoughtfully keeping his Cardinal informed of developing matters, despite his childish capers).

[Splooooge! Crash! Flutter flutter...] In one fluid motion, a shocked Cardinal Fang spews his whiskey onto the carpet, drops his shot glass, and releases his grip on the papers.

"Uneducated lackeys?! Stone is sending uneducated lackeys against university-trained linguists?! This is a tragedy waiting to happen! Those academics will tear the poor sods to shreds in a matter of minutes!"

With visions of untrained soldiers clumsily wielding dangerous dangling participles and double negatives, Cardinal Fang rushes out the door and grabs his startled servant by the tunic.

CF:"Quickly! You must send word to General Stonewall to call off his attack. It is doomed to failure! Tell him he needs a seasoned debate team consisting of his most elite professors, or the linguists will have their way with the populace while we watch our soldiers slaughtered on the field of discourse!"

CF:"You got all that?"

Servant: "Uhhh.. yeah, lemme write that down. Hmmm... um, how do you spell "discourse"? One "c" or two?"

CF: [furious, gives the servant a swift boot in the rear] "Get going! This is a matter of life and death. No time for letter perfect parchments!"

As the servant hurries off, Cardinal Fang's stomach begins to rumble. He wonders whether he could get away with asking his servant for a Whopper and fries...


OK guys and gals, here's the ball... now you run with it for a while.

Cardinal Fang

[This message has been edited by CardinalFang (edited April 28, 1999).]

Kyloe posted 04-28-99 06:17 AM ET (US)
Flamineo: "sesquipipapo", coined by Horace in his Ars Poetica. No need for a multipurpose dictionary (good for reaching those high-up shelves). Just get yourself a Collins.

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