||Topic: *TANGENT* Linguists are really
posted April 27, 1999 06:09 PM
OK folks, to reduce the load on cptsawbones' e-mail box, let's
continue the tangent here. And what a glorious tangent it is!
P.S. For those who haven't been following along, the thread that
started it all is right here: http://www.gameforum.com/Forum28/HTML/001325.html
I'm really looking forward to this. How I do enjoy a good
tangent, especially with the fellow nutcases we have on this board
Now, anyone care to pick up where we left off? I will be leaving
for a while but will return in a few hours.
posted April 27, 1999 06:12 PM
At the risk of incurring the wrath of the Church, I vote you lay off
the more sesquipedalian members of this community.
And concentrate on the sociologists.
posted April 27, 1999 06:34 PM
Heh heh.. well, we can't concentrate on only one group. Cardinal
Fang is an Equal Opportunity Offender (EOF). I'd get sued if I
didn't offend everybody.
Back in his office, Cardinal Fang retrieves his copy of FOPC from
underneath several copies of his latest one-page manuscript,
entitled "What Cardinal Fang Knows About Linguistics, Sociology, and
Psychology Combined". He settles back in his chair, awaiting General
Stonewall's report concerning a plan to lead the academic types into
the fires of the Lost City...
[This message has been edited by CardinalFang (edited April 27,
posted April 27, 1999 06:35 PM
Man, the Internet reaches farther than I thought!
posted April 27, 1999 06:43 PM
Literally "a foot & a half long" or something, & I think it
can be applied to metric verse as well as measurement. But I mean
"exhibiting a tendency to use excessively long words for no good
reason", which it can mean as well. Don't have a multivolume
dictionary to hand to check for a first recorded occurrence. It's a
really weak gag, but I can never resist it.
posted April 27, 1999 06:43 PM
When last we left our Heroes, the forces of Light, Might, and
Reason, General Stonewall was in the dungeons of the Cathedral,
desperately avoiding a pacing and invective-spitting CardinalFang...
Please calm down, Your Eminence! Remember your blood pressure!
When the Cardinal does not immediately reply, Stonewall realizes
he is the only real person on the thread...
HehHeh...Put the Cardinal in this empty cell, Colonel, I must
check the study for...subversives, yes that's it subversives!
As fast as his dignity will allow, the General climbs the stairs
toward the Cardinal's locked study...
posted April 27, 1999 06:58 PM
Later, the General places the still oddly quiescent CardinalFang
into his desk chair and leaves...a moment later he returns, places
the unconcious Churchman's left hand in a bowl of warm water, and
silently slips out again, locking the door behind him...
I love it when he leaves me in charge...
posted April 27, 1999 07:14 PM
I Just had an epi..epithan... ... ... A great idea.
To lure the linguists to the Lost City of fire and lava... well
need to use some bait... now I've got to thinking... What really,
really, really makes a Linguist or really anybody angry...
I came up with two options
Option Number 1: We could use a mime to taunt them... but quite
frankly I think we would kill him before we could use him..
Option Number 2: We string together a huge multitude of... ....
Get this ... ...
hate those especially if we get someone like Yoda to do
Anyway when we get them close to the edge well suprise them
with the lastest edition of FOPC.... Then well barrage them with a
slew of Double negatives.... They'll have to run screaming into the
lava after that....Whacha think?
posted April 27, 1999 07:26 PM
A brilliant plan, Colonel, simply brrrilliant...
Get together a squad of your most uneducated lackeys, and meet me
at the edge of the forest.
Strides toward the study with a straight razor and a can of
[This message has been edited by Stonewall (edited April 27,
posted April 27, 1999 07:33 PM
What you really need to stampede those linguists are some botanists.
A few cries of "Calmintha grandiflora 'Varigata'","Fagus
sylvatica", or "Sinocalycanthus chinesis" should give
them all most satisfactory fits.
[This message has been edited by Jennie (edited April 27,
posted April 27, 1999 07:38 PM
Or how about Dangling participles in Pig Latin
OR Wait I've got it....Botanists talking in Pig Latin with
Something Like...Almintha'cae Andiflora'grae ere'whae re'aea
ou'yae oing'gae o'tae
That will really shake them up.
I borrowed the really big words from Gardner Jennie
[This message has been edited by JimmyTheHand (edited April 27,
posted April 27, 1999 07:43 PM
Returns from the study, holding a towel containing half a
moustache and some soap suds, a bottle of ale under his coat...
Ah, our gardener Jennie, always so helpful and
trusting...Colonel, please scare me up a couple of Botanists...
And you, young lady, you and Tim sit down in this nice Comfy
chair and tell us all about where you learned those big
posted April 27, 1999 08:04 PM
General But all the Lackey's I can Find are too stupid to even know
what a Botanist is.
I think I'll have to go hunting for one...
This could take a
while considering all know botanists are also part of the LPSO
(Linguist physchologist and sociologist organization)
I think we need a spy... Gardner Jennie Will be perfect for the
[This message has been edited by JimmyTheHand (edited April 27,
posted April 27, 1999 08:19 PM
Colonel, I have a few suspicions about our friend Jennie...she knows
an awful lot of big words, and that little feller she's holding
looks too smart by half...
If we could turn her into a double agent, perhaps..
I'll be popping in and out, gang, somebody has to fix the
sinks in this mausoleum, and guess who's nominated
posted April 27, 1999 10:25 PM
Who, me? But, but, I'm humor-impaired. A severe affliction when
married to an inverterate...no...habitual...no...um...well a guy who
makes lots of puns.
Besides, I get the big words from gardening catalogs. It's so
nice to sink into a large comfy chair with a cup of tea and a
stack of catalogs. (I do thank you so much General, true
hospitality.) So much easier than dragging compost hither and yon.
Tim toddles over and hits the
spacebar...arghh! (born 4/10/98 and already helping Mom with her
posted April 27, 1999 11:17 PM
Me not use big words no more, me no linguist expert!
Oh bugger, I just gave myself away I think... damn... quick
everyone, run for the exit's while I distract them with a copy of
the grammer checker from the latest version of M$ Word. If that
doesn't totally destroy any knowledge of grammar they may have,
posted April 28, 1999 12:18 AM
Well, I leave the thread alone for a few haours and look what
happens! Excuse me, I am unable to type because I'm laughing so
hard. Be right back.
posted April 28, 1999 01:16 AM
Cardinal Fang is slumped over the desk in his study, with a
lingering headache and his arm resting lightly in a bowl of cold
water. Suddenly, he awakes with a start. He bolts upright in his
chair, splashing water all over himself. Noticing a bright light
shining directly at his face, he panics and begins to recite the
names and addresses of people who also subscribe to FOPC.
He quickly realizes that the light is coming from his open study
window, and that it is daylight. Straightening out his ruffled
Cardinal suit, he calms himself down and shuffles the papers on his
desk to steady his nerves.
It dawns upon the Cardinal that he needs a drink, badly. He rings
the bell near his desk, and within moments a servant arrives.
Servant: "Your Eminence! You're awake! How are you feeling, sir?"
CF: "Like crap. Get me a bottle of Jack Daniels, on the double."
Servant:[protests] "But, sir, we are in medieval times. J.D. has
not been invented yet!"
CF: [fixes the servant with a look which says that he is not
interested in such mudane details]
Servant:[blanches]: "Of course, Your Eminence! Right away sir."
The servant scurries off to complete his task. Meanwhile,
Cardinal Fang is desperately trying to remember the sequence of
events that led to him falling asleep.
"Yes", he muses to himself, "this is another one of Stone's
practical jokes. I told him to knock it off, but he never listens."
Realizing that he has more important things to worry about, he
gets out of the chair and begins to change into a fresh clean
Cardinal suit. When he has just finished changing and adjusting his
smashing new red skullcap, the servant arrives, timidly sets down a
silver tray with a bottle of Old No. 7 and a shot glass, and leaves
mumbling apologies about the wait.
CardinalFang grabs the bottle by the neck, twists off the cap,
and is about to chug straight from the bottle when it occurs to him
what happened the last time he did that. He pauses. Gingerly, he
takes the shot glass, fills it, and begins to sip his whiskey.
Browsing though the sheaves of paper on his desk, he notices a
new report from General Stonewall (who has been thoughtfully keeping
his Cardinal informed of developing matters, despite his childish
[Splooooge! Crash! Flutter flutter...] In one fluid motion, a
shocked Cardinal Fang spews his whiskey onto the carpet, drops his
shot glass, and releases his grip on the papers.
"Uneducated lackeys?! Stone is sending uneducated lackeys against
university-trained linguists?! This is a tragedy waiting to happen!
Those academics will tear the poor sods to shreds in a matter of
With visions of untrained soldiers clumsily wielding dangerous
dangling participles and double negatives, Cardinal Fang rushes out
the door and grabs his startled servant by the tunic.
CF:"Quickly! You must send word to General Stonewall to call off
his attack. It is doomed to failure! Tell him he needs a seasoned
debate team consisting of his most elite professors, or the
linguists will have their way with the populace while we watch our
soldiers slaughtered on the field of discourse!"
CF:"You got all that?"
Servant: "Uhhh.. yeah, lemme write that down. Hmmm... um, how do
you spell "discourse"? One "c" or two?"
CF: [furious, gives the servant a swift boot in the rear] "Get
going! This is a matter of life and death. No time for letter
As the servant hurries off, Cardinal Fang's stomach begins to
rumble. He wonders whether he could get away with asking his servant
for a Whopper and fries...
OK guys and gals, here's the ball... now you run with it
for a while.
[This message has been edited by CardinalFang (edited April 28,
posted April 28, 1999 06:17 AM
Flamineo: "sesquipipapo", coined by Horace in his Ars
Poetica. No need for a multipurpose dictionary (good for
reaching those high-up shelves). Just get yourself a Collins.
posted April 28, 1999 06:20 AM
***excerpt from report***
...and thus arrayed, your Eminence, we march forth to battle with
the coming of dusk. I had hoped you would be availible to see us
off, but I can understand, if not condone, your present condition.
As a side note, if I were you, I would get rid of that servant.
He has been hanging around here with a sly look on his face, and I
fear he is up to no good.
Also, we are taking Gardener Jennie along as a technical
consultant...she passed the test of the comfy chair nicely. Colonel
Jimmy says hey, but I don't see why he didn't say hey when he was in
your study earlier this afternoon.
I think that about covers everything.
The General straightens from the field desk and hands his
manuscript off to a lackey. With the Cardinal's binoculars, he
surveys the line of battle, orders a few adjustments, and turns to
Well, Jimmy, let's earn our pay today, shall we? Give your
The long lines begin to move...
posted April 28, 1999 10:19 AM
Jennie sits at her desk and blithely orders lots and lots of
catalogs, Roslyn, WFF, Plant Delights, Klehm, Heronswood, and more.
As she does she strokes one of her four cats, who really know
how to use a comfy chair. Then she dashes off a short note to the
Pursuant to... no... In regards to... no... As you asked, I have
gotten some bait in for the linguists. If you dangle these over
various traps I think you will capture a good number of the
linguists without much work. Not only that, but they should be so
agast at the willful mixtures of languages that they will be quite
docile unless you try to take the bait away from them.
If that happens you'll have to bring out the big guns and show
them the daylily and hosta sections. Be sure only your strongest
stomached soldiers are in the area, however.
Rereads Everything I Need to Know I Learned from My Cat
while sipping some gently radiant liquid from a mug.
[This message has been edited by Jennie (edited April 28,
posted April 28, 1999 11:55 AM
In his study on the nineteenth floor of the university's tallest
office building, David leans back in his chair, polishing his
spectacles. On the desk lies a report from hermeneutics, bearing
intelligence of an inquisition planned by those dogmatic bastards
from the 'Church of Prescription and Ambivalence'.
speak!, he muses, smiling to himself. A quote comes up in his
mind: "The rarity of OSV (object, subject, verb)
constructions and languages perhaps explains the impact of this
strange speech style, used by the Jedi Master, Yoda, in the film
Return of the Jedi." David Crystal
Just you bring
'em on!, he chuckles, And don't forget your double
negatives ("...quite common until prescriptive grammarians started
to apply logic on language, thus banishing a useful idiom from
polite speech...")! This is going to be a feast.
He puts his glasses back on and starts
scratching his goatee. The two vertical creases on his brow become
But would they really use mimes?, he
wonders, Paralinguistics are banned by the Geneva
Conventions. I'd better write a letter to the faculty of psychology.
Our woman Lytha there is a well-known atheist.
This post is dedicated to David Crystal and David Lodge.
<font size="7" face="Wingdings">¥ß
size="5" face="Arial"> ...pling</font>
posted April 28, 1999 02:51 PM
Colonel Jimmy walks into the Command Tent... Dirty, wet, and a bad
leg wound...Stands at attention...Places a thumb near each ear,
wiggles his fingers, sticks out his tongue and salutes the
The General salutes
General: At Ease Colonel and report.
Jimmy relaxes and passed out.
The General goes over to his "Cabinet of Last Resort" and pulls
out a capsule of bat guano...He then rubs the bat guano between his
thumb and forefinger under Jimmy's nose...Jimmy awakens with a
violent nauseated shutter... ... After Jimmy's stomach settles down
he starts his report.
Jimmy: Well Sir I first sent my scouts along with a battalion of
lackeys armed with dangling participles and a couple of cluster
percussion inflection grenades. They managed to locate all the large
groups of Linguists. Which was a little suspect but I was happy that
our plan was having so much success. I placed the rest of my lackeys
at the Lava with double negatives and I started the construction of
the 10ft. tall FOPC. Not soon after the Lackeys were in place...I
heard a tremendous yelling - crazed men I thought to myself- I know
this was the moment we were waiting for, but the FOPC wasn't
finished so I told them not to worry we'd have do it without the
Well first we saw our baiters had used up all of their
cluster percussion inflection grenades and most of the dangling
participles were beaten and scarred beyond recognition...then we saw
thousands of Linguists chasing them...they ran to the edge of the
ravine at the lava pit... Silence insued...Then the baiters split up
and we started throwing our double negatives at them...there was a
stampede... most of the linguists were in the lava before they
realized what was happening. But we were running out of double
negatives and the element of suprise was waning...I had no choice I
HAD to bring out our Secret Weapon #1. (Drum Roll).
Dumm Dumm Dumm Dumm Dumm Dumm Dummmmm!
GlobalThermalSupersonicAmproPolyMorphicShockWaver with Lasersights
and multiple target aquisition.
Well let me tell you Sir they
didn't know what hit'em...We almost completely wiped them out but
the Secret Weapon #1's batteries ran out (I knew we should've used
two AAA batteries instead of one) Well Some of my men ran out of
double negatives so they armed themselves with something and started
hurling water balloons at the linguist....My stomach caught in my
throat...by the time we could hold fire the damage was done... we
were surrounded by millions of 'em. We were getting slaughtered bad.
I yelled to Technical Consultant Jennie to take Tim and the
Secret Weapon#1 and escape and tell you about our defeat...But
Jennie just shook her head and I could see she was wounded badly and
couldn't flee. She picked up a pen and parchment, scribbled on and
folded the paper and gave it to Tim who toddles over to me and slaps
the paper in my hands then goes back to Jennie. I was just about to
open the paper when I caught movement out of the corner of my eye. A
linguist was reaching into his travel bag and before I could blink
he flung a waxboard at me like a discus...I ducked...Barely missing
being decapitated... The linguist then puts his hand in his tunic
protector and pulls out a Feathered Quill Pen then throws it at
me... I quickly rolled but the Pen stuck me in the leg. I almost
blacked out from the pain but I managed to look at the paper Tim
gave me. I drew a deep breath knowing it would probably be my last,
and with all of my courage I shouted at the top of my
The Linguist's eyes got big as he
shouted NOOOO! then he raced head first into the lava pit.
remaining lackeys started chanting.
Nee! Nee! Nee! until almost
all of the linguist were dead. Unfortunately some of the linguist
fled when they heard the first Nee.
I think we're safe... at least 'til the next rain. Jenny
recuperated and Tim never leaves her side...She's in the barracks
now. I think Jennie should recieve the Purple Gall Bladder Medal for
showing uncommon valor while having been wounded by the enemy.
[This message has been edited by JimmyTheHand (edited April 28,
[This message has been edited by JimmyTheHand (edited April 28,
posted April 28, 1999 03:21 PM
Having enjoyed that last post, Cardinal Fang eagerly awaits more
contributions. He snatches up some reading material from his desk
and heads for the castle W.C.
posted April 28, 1999 03:29 PM
I heard that very well, Kyloe. Even if you might have only
thought it. Kyloe is very scared, because this voice came
from behind his shoulder. He turns, and stares fearfully into
Lytha's face. She points at her blackjack. Don't dare, Kyloe.
I will find you, whereever you might try to hide. Kyloe
wonders how Lytha appeared in his room. And why her eyes are filled
with a very bright light. He nods hurriedly.
Why I am
here? Lytha says I am just testing my psychic
abilities. And now forget that you have seen me. The bright
light in her eyes grows even brighter. Kyloe closes his eyes. When
he re-opens them, Lytha is gone.
BTW: The second semester psychologist Esther wonders why
GreyMouser thought she was a he. She searches for a mirror, to
ensure herself that she has still long blonde hair, expensive
clothes on her body, high heels, and a ton of makeup in her face.
She does not find a mirror, and sits down, crying. She does
neither understand where she is, nor why the mad people in here
(dedicated to Esther L., also known as "Miss DAU"; and of
course dedicated to Lyta Alexander, also known as "Bright goddess of
oh Nacht, lösch aus das Licht,
Nimm das Kind, und tröst es
[This message has been edited by Lytha (edited April 28,
posted April 28, 1999 06:22 PM
AFTER ACTION REPORT...(excerpt)
...and so you see, Your Eminence, thanks to the resourcefulness
and quick thinking of these three heroic individuals, the entire
army was saved, and the intellectuals were driven back to their
ivory towers, where they belong.
1)I propose that Colonel Hand, Gardener
Jennie, and young Tim be presented with an appropriate decoration,
say the Order of St. Cleese.
2)A force be placed at the border of
this land to guard against further incursions of well-educated and
3)An eye be kept on The Academician
Kyloe, and others who attempt to steer us into Rightthink. He has
plans, Fang, BIG plans...
4)A general day of feasting and
imbibing be proclaimed.
Stonewall yawns and stretches, worn out after a long day of
listening to the reprts of the battle. He puts down the Cardinal's
pen and slips his feet into the Cardinal's snazzy red slippers.
Walking to the door of the tent, he wonders why the sky is always
red after battle...a cool breeze comes out of the East...he
wonders...what are they up to over there? Where will the next attack
come? How can I get that cute psychologist from the other thread
into this one? And why didn't I steal his coat?
[This message has been edited by Stonewall (edited April 28,
posted April 28, 1999 07:18 PM
General Stonewall, feeling mightily pleased with himself, and
enjoying the comforts of the Cardinal's lushly appointed battle
tent, rises from his chair and reaches toward his temporally
improbable bottle of Yukon Jack. Instantly, he freezes as he feels
the tap of a cold, hard object on his shoulder. He turns slowly, and
nearly faints when he sees the imposing figure of Cardinal Fang
standing directly behind him, holding his steel bishop's crook.
CF: "Stonewall, you have been insubordinate with me for the last
Stonewall: "Your Eminence! Forgive me! I can explain
everything... ummm, hold on a second."
Stonewall: [reaches for a dictionary, and flips to the word
"Oh, sorry. You meant you were upset at me for
me mouthing off at you? Bah! I thought you had caught me putting the
moves on that good-looking sociologist... umm, er... never mind.
Whaddya want, ur, how may I serve you, Your Eminence?"
CF: "I'm tired of your mouthing off, I'm tired of your practical
jokes, and I'm tired of you not following standard tangent thread
procudure! When I said that your battle was doomed to failure, it
was doomed to failure! You can't say that a bunch of soldiers
prevailed against a bunch of academics! Why, that's.. that's just
plain unrealistic! And what's with this Yukon Jack? You know
you're not supposed to bring in stuff that doesn't exist yet! Only
Cardinals are allowed to do that..."
CF:"Excuse me, that's my cell phone."
[a muffled conversation ensues, ending in an already agitated
Cardinal Fang screaming "No, I wouldn't like to buy some aluminum
siding for my castle, you dolt!"]
CF:[flips phone shut and drops it back into one of the voluminous
pockets in his robe]" Anyway, as I was saying... uhh, what was I
Stonewall:[cowering] "You were giving me a righteous chewing-out,
CF:[realizing that he might hurt the general's feelings by
yelling at him] "Oh, right, well, forget I said that. I've been a
little out of sorts lately. Just cut out the practical jokes, would
Stonewall:[crosses his fingers behind his back, while looking
innocently at the Cardinal] "Oh, of course, Your Eminence! I will
desist at once!"
CF: "Good. I was going to fire you, but you're too good of a
general to lose. Besides you don't really work for me, so firing you
would bring up all sorts of sticky legal issues. But, be warned. My
patience is wearing thin, General. You throw me in a cell, peruse my
copy of FOPC, refer to me as "Fang", and disobey my orders one more
time, and I'm sending you to your room without supper!"
Stonewall: [genuinely shocked] "Oh no, Fang...er, Your Eminence,
Stonewall: [collapses on the floor in a heap at the thought of
having to go without dinner]
CF: [Leaves the tent and quietly shuts the flap behind him]
"Sigh. I hate having to threaten people. I'd much rather be nice to
them, you know?"
Back in his study, Cardinal Fang affixes his signature to several
important-looking documents. Since they valiantly served in battle,
albiet an unauthorized one, he decides to award Jimmy, Jennie, and
Tim the coveted Order of Icky Icky Icky Zooooooop! Fatang!.
[This message has been edited by CardinalFang (edited April 28,
posted April 28, 1999 07:55 PM
...and so, children, there you have the story of how Cardinal Fang
rescued the Land of Nonsense from the evil forces of The Degreed
Rightthinkers. Now, have you all brushed your...
Little Boy: What happened to Cardinal Fang?
He, uh, became a talent agent with Wm. Morris...now, off to
Little Girl What happened to Colonel Jimmy? He was sooo
He is, er, he became a rock singer and aspirated himself. Now,
where are your..
little Boy COOL! Did the Evil Forces come back?
Yes, of course they did! Kyloe, Lytha, Jyre and all their friends
attacked once again. And now I really think...
Little Girl Awesome! Did they win?
AAAUUUGGGHHH! NONONO! Everybody dies! There is no happy ending!
You little Monsters! Your're supposed to be asleep by now! GO TO
BED!! Old Granddad runs screaming from the room
Little Girl: Oh, boy! Another story!
posted April 29, 1999 12:18 PM
David gets up from his chair, goes over to the door, and opens
Ooolsen, he yells.
Yessir, says a voice behind him.
Ah, Egon, David says, in an attempt to cover up his
surprise. He makes a mental note to have his study searched for
secret passages. Take Benny and Kjeld and get this letter
through to the American Structuralists. It contains detailed
instructions on the use of copulars as auxiliaries in passive
constructions. I hope they'll have the new corpus-based glossary
(CBGlo) ready by now. 'Bout time we started some heavy
You will find a crate of øl hidden under a bench in
Yessir. We need a toy tank, three cigarette butts, a theatre
ticket, 20 cm of string...
Get thee going!!
...a cord wood?...
posted April 29, 1999 02:21 PM
Another Olsen-banden tangent, eh Kyloe?
"a crate of øl"...
[This message has been edited by Tommyboy (edited April 29,
posted April 29, 1999 04:59 PM
Just living up to my reputation, Tommy.