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Thread: I wrote a thing: "Rewind"

  1. #1

    I wrote a thing: "Rewind"

    I should be editing my first draft but I'm procrastinating, so I whipped up this little thing to feel productive. Hope you like!

    https://my.w.tt/t8f93aJZJV

  2. #2
    Member
    Registered: Nov 1999
    Location: Deck 4 Cargo Bays
    Huh...well, it's a thing, alright.

    But..."To be Continued...", there's always a catch...

  3. #3
    Hmf the to be continued is a wattpad thing :/

    [edit] found a way to get rid of it.
    Last edited by raph; 9th Apr 2019 at 12:58.

  4. #4
    Member
    Registered: Feb 2001
    Location: Somewhere
    I read it, its not bad, the twist ending is the best bit. Could do with editing, make it more concise.

  5. #5
    Thanks Piglick, glad you liked. I may return and refine it indeed once I finish my editing.

  6. #6
    Member
    Registered: Jun 2003
    Location: Darmstadt, Germany
    I like. And what PigLick said.

  7. #7
    Member
    Registered: Feb 2002
    Location: In the flesh.
    I really liked the line about biting on tinfoil. The foreboding about the guy. The everydayness of the bar. It gave a sense of tiredness about living without saying so directly. I liked the whole story and it was short enough that I don't see how it could be much more concise. Sorry to disagree, PigLick. I would have to see the edit maybe but it seemed to me spare enough.

    I laughed at the ending. I don't mean in a bad way. It had the element of horror alright but the twist was completely unexpected, enough so that it threw me off for a second like having to reorient, and that is my default response. It's weird I know. My second response was to think how the story would go from there. After the horror subsided it might not be a bad thing for the whole world. Truly mindfucked but an interesting reinvention would occur. Everyone would change profoundly.

  8. #8
    Chakat sex pillow
    Registered: Sep 2006
    Location: not here
    Interesting read, raph. I liked the twist ending.

    Like Tocky, I got the sense of everyday weariness around the bar conversation, but that could also be to the detriment of the story's opening since you can feel the oxygen being sucked out by the protagonist's demeanour. I felt the wishgranter's motivations for handing out a rewind could have helped: why did he choose the protagonist? His unusual enthusiasm doesn't carry the otherworldliness of what he's offering. And the twist was a nice counterpoint to it all, but the question then becomes what kind of being would give a person the agency to choose to rewind to the past, but foists the memories of the future on the rest of the planet too? Did the protagonist do something in the past to deserve bearing that responsibility? The story doesn't have to spell out these things, but hinting at something deeper in his past would go a long way, I feel.

  9. #9
    Member
    Registered: Feb 2002
    Location: In the flesh.
    Quote Originally Posted by Sulphur View Post
    His unusual enthusiasm doesn't carry the otherworldliness of what he's offering. And the twist was a nice counterpoint to it all, but the question then becomes what kind of being would give a person the agency to choose to rewind to the past, but foists the memories of the future on the rest of the planet too?
    What kind of being? Only one fits the bill and he appears in a cloud of... well, YOU, Sulphur.

  10. #10
    Chakat sex pillow
    Registered: Sep 2006
    Location: not here
    Heh, I know. But there's a panoply of demons lesser and greater in all our mythologies and religions, I was wondering about it from that angle. Having it be Ol' Scratch is fine as an option too of course, he's the platonic ideal of a force that's mercurial and perfectly ineffable.

  11. #11
    Hehehe thanks Tocky and Sulphur, I'm happy it get your brains going

    Tocky, I can't deny using this as a premise for a larger work hasn't crossed my mind. I'd find it very interesting indeed to expand on it and explore possible scenarios...

    Sulphur, I don't disagree. After the fact I toyed with the idea of the narrator actually being responsible for his brother's death (like he was the one driving or something to that effect) and I may insert that if I revisit the tale. Because they remember everything, up to how and when they die when that's applicable. It would throw some serious guilt trip, atonement and possibly vengeance and anger into the mix, not necessarily for him but in general...
    I didn't necessarily have the wishgranter pick him on purpose, it's random, although he certainly can see who's more likely to be seduced by his words. In my head it was a typical "genie grants a wish with a catch" scenario, but very much on the "chaotic evil" side of things.
    I'd been playing with that twist in my head for a while...

  12. #12
    Member
    Registered: Feb 2002
    Location: In the flesh.
    Oh I have a killer idea but I won't tell you if you don't want me to.

  13. #13
    El Shagmeister
    Registered: Jul 2000
    Location: Under your fingernails.
    Finally gave this a read. Really enjoyed it, and yes, the twist makes it. <3

    Could use some reworking in bits and parts, mostly dialogue stuff, some of the lines sound too direct-to-TV movie stuff. Overall, it could be tighter (that's what he said, HURRR), but again, it's a solid short story and I loved the twist, so polish this sucker, baby. <3

    Also agree with Sulph's observations on the bigger picture and such.

  14. #14
    Thanks Duckeh! Tocky, I'll be happy to hear it but I'll get back to you when I'm ready to dedicate more time to it, right now I'm working on other things

  15. #15
    Member
    Registered: Feb 2002
    Location: In the flesh.
    Same premise but with a serial killer. Think about it. Everyone he has ever killed and tortured alive again. Not to mention their families knowing. Talk about just desserts.

  16. #16
    Member
    Registered: Jul 2002
    Location: Edmonton
    I thought it was good! A couple of the lines were a little clunky, but they didn't spoil it by any means. I really liked dream tonight, and be a pilot. The twist was, of course, completely unexpected, and having read my way through a short-story advent calendar a few months ago, can safely say that ending the story on a note like that is perfectly common and acceptable. With some minor editing I bet you could get it published somewhere.

  17. #17
    Thanks for the kind words Aja!

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