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Thread: What to do with grief?

  1. #101

    Registered: Apr 2001
    Location: The land of ever sideways rain
    Well maybe I dismissed you at the time, but it probably sunk in later. I'm a very slow thinker these days. I fully intend to stop taking the zopiclone and melatonin, if possible, I just had a chat about that with my GP doctor yesterday. Maybe this Sleepio app will help, maybe it won't, but I would like to come off the meds. The combination of sleep deprivation AND meds makes my head very fuzzy.

    If there's one thing I've learned over the last 20 years it's that you're usually right, Daxim, whether I like it or not.

  2. #102

    Registered: Apr 2001
    Location: The land of ever sideways rain
    It's been a few weeks now. My head is very fuzzy from sleep deprivation, but the Sleepio app is forcing me to, as is its purpose, to change my behaviour. I'm down from spending 12 hours in bed and maybe sleep 4, to spending 6 hours in bed and sleep 5. Mild progress.

    Last time I was on the forums, I had several strong opinions about thread so-and-so, but I'm now too tired to post lengthy elaborate bits, so I'll just cover all of those threads with this annoying blanket statement: "You are wrong. Why? Because I said so and I have no facts to back that up."

    On the upside, my sleep patterns have changed. On the downside, it still hasn't made any tiny change to the state of my sleep-deprived brain, I'm still thick as pigshit. Maybe the headache and fog will lift if I can get off the meds, but it's too soon to do that just now. I move slowly.

    But, tiny progress is still progress. Bitter sarcastic cynic bastard with a heart of optimism will report back if there's any change.


    What I have done to kill sleepless time is to dig deeper into Caustic, that music app I've been using. It's been quite useful to tinker with at 5:30 am when I'm not allowed to stay in bed anymore. and I've made loads of new horrible crap on it. I've learned how to import drumloops and export MP3s. I love toying around with the drum machines, but I'm just not talented enough to write a complete song, i always run out of steam about halfways or earlier. But it has reminded me of that guitar I gave away to my niece, perhaps I should buy a cheap guitar over here again and have someone help me make the noise I want to come out of it. I've got my eye on a guitar I might get, and even making a plan to pay some metalhead to teach me the loud angry chords I need to make my crap somewhat less crappy. My wife left me a couple of acoustic guitars, a 6- and a 12-string, but I know my technique is so bad I don't feel comfortable playing something that may be overheard by other people. That's why I had my electric guitar back in the olden days. I don't want to inflict my awfulness upon innocent bystanders.
    Last edited by Gray; 29th Jun 2019 at 18:40.
    Boing. Peng. Boom-Tschak. Peng.

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  3. #103

    Registered: Apr 2001
    Location: The land of ever sideways rain
    Ok, back to grief again.

    Next week, it would have been our wedding anniversary. I now have a plan to deal with it. I'll go to the memorial garden where her ashes were scattered, perhaps read a bit from a book she loved, maybe have a sip of her favourite whisky and pour some out for her. I know it's stupid, it's mainly for me to maintain what little is left of my sanity. Maybe I'll bring the flowers she loved. I have no faith, I don't believe her immortal spirit will look down upon me, it's only to try to get my head around the fact that she is indeed gone and will never return, no matter how much I wish this was not true.

    I have a very pragmatic, practical, rational view of the world. I don't believe I'll ever meet her again in some fantasy afterlife, a nice a thought as that would be, I just have to accept the fact that she's gone. Intellectually, I know this. It's just that my emotions haven't quite caught up yet. There is still so much I want to tell her.

    Last week I went to the first bereavement group counselling, over a year after her death. I still find it very difficult to speak about her death without breaking down in tears, so I mainly sat quietly at the back, and did not interact much with the other grievers, maybe a dozen of us. I spoke briefly to a couple of the staff, but even that was a bit too much. I do intend to go back for next time, in a month, and maybe I can open up a bit more.

    Earlier on the same day I went back the the crematorium and spoke to the manager there, about some practical details. I want to have a plaque of her name somewhere. Not just for me, but for all of the family, with all of her names. Birth name, first marriage, my name, all of it, so that her family can find something to connect to. I want to include the family as much as possible, but I doubt anyone will ever truly know her as intimately as I did. For hours and hours, every single day for ten years, we talked about everything and nothing. I will miss that until the day I die. If you've never truly loved, this may all sound like some stupid cliches you only see in movies, but if you've lived it, it's like a part of your body has been ripped out and there is now a gaping hole, bleeding. The pain never goes away.

    I'm sorry if this sounds depressing, but this is the whole point of this entire thread. How to deal with grief. I haven't figured it out yet, but I'm working on it.

    I guess that next week, at our anniversary, I'll probably look at some old photos and reminisce about happier times. There were a lot of happy times. Many good memories. Maybe play some music she loved. Maybe something from our wedding.

  4. #104
    Registered: May 2004
    It doesn't sound like a cliche. It doesn't sound depressing. It sounds like you love her very much.

  5. #105

    Registered: Apr 2001
    Location: The land of ever sideways rain
    Curiously, I saw that very Keanu clip only hours before you posted it.

    And I did love her. I still love her. Truly, deeply, with every fibre of my being. That's what's making it difficult now, when I have to learn to accept that she's gone.

    Next week will sort of be a test of how well I've learned to deal with it since her passing. I have planned to do this very simple thing, to just visit the memorial garden I've been to 4-5 times since the ceremony, but this will be on a highly emotional day and maybe I'll just crap out of it and sit quietly on the sofa drinking her whisky instead, but I hope I can do better than that.

    Then again, I can't waste myself completely, since the very next day, I have tickets to go see Ministry play live, and believe it or not, Ministry was actually on our wedding playlist. What says romance like angry shouty political sarcasm? We were not your average couple. We had Rammstein(*), Nine Inch Nails, Front Line Assembly, Skinny Puppy, because if there's one thing that really suits a wedding it's some loud Canadian shouting "death! death! death death death!". But we also had soppy romantic stuff like Lamb: Gorecki, Depeche Mode: Home, VNV Nation: Standing, Otis Redding: My Girl, Beach Boys: Wouldn't It Be Nice. And another ten hours of stuff. But I should probably play her favourite noodly banjoes.


    I sometimes forget I haven't told TTLG the full story, and just assume you, collectively, know stuff that you logically could not know. For our wedding ceremony, we had my new brother-in-law, the very talented local musician Alan, perform Home, and later at the reception do a tear-jerking rendition of Gorecki, we just melted into each other's arms for that. Then, fighting in the Swedish corner, my younger brother, the tall handsome ladies favourite pan-European rock star performed Depeche Mode's Behind The Wheel at my request, which is quite sexually suggestive and perhaps a bad choice as I could see in the faces of some Scots unfamiliar with the song, but at the time I couldn't really give a flying fuck, it was the happiest day of my life, followed by many more happier days.

    (*) The irony was fully intentional. I will not elaborate, I don't want to plant unpleasant sexual imagery into your minds you can't unsee.
    Last edited by Gray; 30th Jun 2019 at 21:11.

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