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Thread: Thief - the Mental Age, chapter nine part one

  1. #1
    Registered: Aug 2001
    Location: yo mama

    Thief - the Mental Age, chapter nine part one

    Thief II: The Mental Age

    A Thief II parody by Lars Melander (odourpreventer)
    Based on the work made and copyrighted © 2001 by Seamus Sullivan (Muuurgh)

    The Builder and Housepainter has gifted thee
    with the greatest of all treasures – the future!
    Now, have you considered a career
    in the City's fastest growing and most diligent organisation?

    – Poster outside a Mechalomaniac recruitment centre.

  2. #2
    Registered: Aug 2001
    Location: yo mama
    Chapter 9 – Crashing the party, and various bits of property

    "The completely fresh discography of the Master Builder and Housepainter," Gary read.

    "Kletus has acquired the copyrights for ancient MC Hammerite texts and is rewriting them. But to what end, we don't know," Victorya answered.

    "Ancient?" Gary looked with a bit of disbelief at the pieces of paper Victorya had handed him.

    "Oh yes, some are over five years old."

    "But that's not why you recruited me to this little foray."

    "Kletus is throwing a fundraiser for the local nobility at Angelbatch, their new ostentatious tower in Dayport. You have to be there, Gary, while the party is in progress. Security will be extra heavy, of course, but that's the way it is."

    "Why do I have to go there during the party? Won't it be easier if I go there afterwards?"

    "Some of us have a schedule to keep. Don't be so selfish, Gary."

    He made a darting eyebrow movement. "Well, it won't be a problem anyway. I'll take the thieves' causeway, going across the rooftops."

    "And that will take you around the security how?"

    "The rest of the plan, please."

    "While you’re at the party,—"

    "Remember to pick party guests' pockets, pee in the potted plants, spray graffiti on the walls and shout from the rooftops that all guards are—"

    "You have to find out what you can about the Kletus project, a name our agents have overheard repeatedly. Kletus has an office in the tower, probably heavily guarded and riddled with alarm mechanisms. That should be a good place to look."

    "Brilliant, I'll just walk right in telling them I'm the janitor, shall I?" he said with a sprinkle of sarcasm.

    "You do remember who the enemy is, don’t you?"

    "I'm sorry, sometimes I forget."

    "If you want to catch the tiger cub,—"

    "Then you kill mama and papa tiger first. No reason going at things backwards."

    "Is this really Gary the master thief I hear talking?"

    "That's what my reputation says. And the thing about my reputation is, it only stays alive as long as I do."

  3. #3
    Registered: Aug 2001
    Location: yo mama
    The Dayport bell tower had proven to be a convenient starting point. Gary looked across the roof tops. This was where he belonged! Not a stupid tree anywhere and plenty of—


    Argh, argh, argh! Gary clapped his ears to the bell ringing and stepped off the tower, not into thin air but onto the adjacent roof, which was conveniently located right next to the bell tower. Dayport had started off as a warehouse district, with the City's goods coming in here before it was redistributed across town. When the City grew, workers and their families took up residence, building apartments and lodgings where space allowed. Soon some noble families short on funds followed; rent was fairly cheap, and with the warehouses came some security, even though the neighbourhood was less than illustrious.

    Through a pair of windows, Gary saw a Creeper "library" with a lone Creeper milling about, probably looking for a glyph that prevents balding, some dictionary containing words that rhyme with "daffodil", or something equally important. Sometimes Gary wondered if they really put him in these messes because of some old "prophecy" or if they were short on ideas and just took a bet on what would happen. It was funny how their "prophecies" were very useful for confirming things that had already happened; it was always "as it was written" this and "as it was meant to be" that, but actual prophecies were more than a bit sketchy on the details. It just goes to show; if you're short on wits, make it up with bluffing.

    Walking across the rooftops, Gary met the occasional guard; enough to keep the journey interesting. The promenade ended at an open window. Inside, a lone guard patrolled a tastefully furnished hallway. It was typical of the modestly rich upper class people. It seemed they had either extensive riches or good taste, but not both. Which meant Gary wouldn't find much to pick. He entered the building through the window and left it through another window on the other side a few seconds later, only leaving behind a "kick me" sign on the guard's back. There were voices coming from beyond the next corner.

    "'s gonna be sweet if this works. I could really use a mini vacation. What're you gonna do?" one guard asked two others across a parapet.

    "Look for some new place to work," one said, his colleague nodding. "We'll clean out the wine cellar and leave before nobody notice."

    A fourth guard joined the others. "Alright, everything's set. Let's get started." They backed away from each other.

    "OK, I'll start." He took a breath. "AND I'M TELLING YOU, THAT THE ONLY STENCH HEARTIER..."

    Gary watched, perplexed, as the guards backed away and started screaming insults at each other. Soon, they started shooting, but while they kept missing with their arrows, they made noises like they were hit.

    Suddenly an arrow did hit. The guard winced, and then looked furiously at his opponent. "What the hell are you doing? You did that on purpose, didn't you, you cheating taffer! Well, take this!"

    "Hold on, it wasn't— Ow! That does it!"

    Gary watch the confusion turn into anger and finally an uneasy stillness as four guards succumbed to their arrow wounds. He put back his bow.

    I guess what I did was a bit evil, Gary thought. But four guards were a small cost for his amusement, so no harm done.

  4. #4
    Registered: Aug 2001
    Location: yo mama
    Gary sat in the shadow on a parapet, watching two guards walking round and round a building.

    "...kill'em all, I'm gonna kill'em all, not today, tomorrow I'm gonna Hi, how's it going? kill'em all, I'm gonna..."

    "...a dog carcass should do it, and two pieces of copper wire, and Hi, all's quiet. I'll need electricity, lots of it..."

    I wonder what they daydream about, walking round and round this building all night long? Gary thought. Soon, they were lying on the ground, not guarding much at all. But they had nothing left to guard, so it was alright.

    Stepping off the parapet, onto another conveniently placed roof, Gary stumbled on some competition, seemingly short on planning, wits and whatnot.

    "Quiet, you lumbering ox! You're making enough racket to wake the whole of Dayport!"

    "Well, it's dark, and I can't sees what I'm lifting."

    "What you'll see is the heft of my sword across your brow if you don't hurry things up!"

    "Alright, Alright! But I gots me a question; do we wants the gold or the jewellery?"

    "We want whatever you can carry, you taffer!"

    "That's why I'm asking; do we wants the gold or the jewellery?"

    "What? Why can't you carry both?"

    "I found a full set of action figures, including the Children of Kletus, with Genuine Piston Action™! And now I can't carry no more."

    "You had better get all the gold and jewellery with you, or I'll come in there and stuff it all down your throat! Am I making myself clear?"

    Moments later, a guard who shouldn't have been there mysteriously happened upon the hapless thieves, who were seemingly short on armament as well. Afterwards, Gary merrily continued where they left off.

  5. #5
    Registered: Aug 2001
    Location: yo mama
    This tower stood a bit apart, as if the other buildings didn't want to touch it. It contained an abundance of pentagrams, a closet literally full of skeletons, and some sort of cross between a surgery room and an abattoir. After pressing the requisite secret buttons, Gary found a parchment next to the remains, presumably, of the writer.

    They laugh at me and they shun me. They say it's not an art, but a sickness of the mind. But I'll show them! The next world awaits me, with powers, riches and womenfolk who do not wrinkle their noses at me. So now I'm going to kill myself, then we'll see who gets the last laugh!

    That's the beauty of insanity, Gary thought, you can always get the last laugh. A rather maniacal one, but still...

    On a desk, an interesting-looking book caught his interest. It was a notebook, containing just a few words.

    Clatto Verata Necktie (crossed) Nickel (crossed) Nicto

    "I guess necromancy isn't an exact science." Then the next thing Gary knew, his body had propelled him on top of the desk. The reason was the two zombies who suddenly occupied the space behind him.

    "Plrrrfff!" ("And we’re baaack!")

    "Ohnnfounguuaaaaah!" ("Oh, I feel so lively, despite conditions!")

    "Gllllfffrrnyaagh!" ("Yes, certainly beats being turned into cosmetic products!")

    "Fny fny! Aaaththth!" ("Ha ha! You're killing me!")

    "Knnnaaoouh!" ("But I already did!")

    "Fny fny fny!" ("Ha ha ha!")

    Gary ran past the pair and threw himself through an open window, into the evening.
    Last edited by odourpreventer; 27th May 2008 at 07:06.

  6. #6
    Registered: Aug 2001
    Location: yo mama
    Walking along a narrow ledge high up on a wall, a lonely purse behind an open window begged for some caressing. While Gary picked it up, the negligent owners were making plans.

    "Oh, but it's just not fair. The season's most ballyhoo social event and we're not even invited! I am a Rockshard, don't they understand that? Don't they understand how incredibly important I am?"

    "Oh, stop your incessant whining. You're a bank clerk. Nobody cares about you."

    "Sorry dear, I can't hear what you're saying."

    "I said, it's sad that they don't care about you. But there'll be other banquets. Besides, it's not like we intend to join their silly religion or anything."

    "No, it's not that. It's just that, that, well..."

    "Yes, my snookums? Please, shut up already."

    "Oh pumpkin, the Mechalomaniacs invited the Cumbersons! The Cumbersons! I mean, they haven't been in the inner circle in years!"

    "Oh, and we have? This is what I get for trying to marry into old money."

    "I really can't hear you when you're mumbling like that."

    "I said, aren't you getting carried away, honey?"

    "No, no, no, no! I am Froederick Jupiter Rockshard the Third, and I deserve more recognition than those, huh, commoners!"

    "I know what we'll do. We'll host our own party and invite everybody but the Cumbersons! Would that make you happy, my love?" It sounded like the last two words were spoken through clenched teeth.

    "Yes, what a capital idea! Oh, snugglebunny, you're being so good to me!"

    "Yes, I know."

    Gary left the lovebirds to their social scheming.

  7. #7
    Registered: Aug 2001
    Location: yo mama
    The corner was a nice resting spot, offering Gary a good view of this particular roof. There were two guards on patrol here, keeping the stories below safe from any aerial shenanigans and looking bored out of their feeble minds, as per usual. As Gary leaned back, the window covers behind him gave away and he rolled backwards into an almost empty room bar for a rickety table, rolling over said table and landing quietly on his feet, amazingly.

    A ladder climb landed him in—a wizard's den? Someone who tried making a living off of his intellect, but finding himself inadequately funded. There were astrological charts, a telescope and plentiful of debris. Walking forward, some piece of scrap caught Gary's foot. He fell, hitting his head on the telescope. It swivelled and a compartment lid swung open. Gary picked up a notebook while massaging his forehead.

    They scoffed at me, said it couldn't be done. They said man was not meant to manufacture such devastation.

    But I did it. I will show them an explosion of which nightmares are made. And when they stand in the rubble of their precious academy, their egos shattered and the patent sold to the Mechalomaniacs, then they will acknowledge me!


    "Wow, he actually wrote down the laughter." Gary picked up a few fire crystals and what he presumed was the device of which nightmares were made.

  8. #8
    Registered: Aug 2001
    Location: yo mama
    "Ho ho ho! Here's the jolly, skinny man, sliding down the chimney, stealing children's presents!" Gary stepped off the ladder and out of the fireplace, standing face to face with a mystified woman.

    "Are you the chimney sweep? I thought you'd be here next month."

    "No, I'm with the guards. Me and the guys on the roof, who are by the way still at their posts and not unconscious at all, are going to take the guy outside to a bachelor party." Gary pointed a thumb towards a door.

    "Oh, OK. Have fun." She smiled.

    Gary opened the door. It was a pantry.

    "The way out is there." She pointed at another door.

    "Thank you." Gary smiled at her and left, carefully closing the door behind him.

    Such a friendly and trustworthy man, she thought. I hope he comes back later.

    Moments later, Gary was looking down at two balconies on opposing sides – and at spitting distance – over a courtyard. There was a guard on each, apparently trying to stare the other one down. He folded a note. An informant had told him that behind one of those guards there were not just diamonds, but diamonds, the added emphasis referring to size, quantity or somebody's wet dream. It is true that diamonds are a girl's best friend, but Gary was a diamond's best friend, and he was about to prove it. (The "best friend" part was of course all in Gary's mind, which was sick and twisted in its own particular way. If told, he wouldn't deny it, but neither would he care about anyone's opinion. It was his mind, after all.)

    Another couple of moments later, Gary exited the building. The next morning, a certain banker would experience a cardiac arrest-inducing moment when unlocking his bank and finding the marble floor sprouting damp flora, the guards looking a bit too comfortable, and a previously locked safe so very empty. In the meantime, Gary was being very friendly indeed.

  9. #9
    Registered: Aug 2001
    Location: yo mama
    Gary looked across the street, towards his final pit stop. He had to cross along a wooden beam to get there. Which was easy. Which meant he would probably stumble, regarding how previous supposedly easy tasks had still ended with personal injury. Which he didn't want to happen on a narrow beam, five stories up. If he could just make the task a little more difficult, it would surely be no problem.

    He tied a rope between his legs, then he blindfolded himself, and lastly tied one arm to his back. Then he crossed the beam without a hitch.

    This building contained an armoury, according to an informant. It was blocked by a supposedly lock picking-proof door, which turned out to be true in Gary's case. But he still had the explosive device.

    "Let's see what this baby can do." He prepped the device, stepped back, and stepped back some more, and a bit more, shot a fire arrow, and dashed around a corner.

    The device gave up a sad, flatulent pfft and then crumbled.

    "So much for mad genius." He shook his head and went back. He tied a rope between his legs...

  10. #10
    Registered: Aug 2001
    Location: yo mama
    The tower loomed in the distance. Gary was so near it now, he could almost smell the scent of engine grease and armour polish.

    "Oh shit, he's already here!"

    Gary looked up and saw a recognisable figure in a wall opening. He quickly scrambled up there, but the space was already empty, of course. They did sneak very proficiently. He saw the familiar empty torch holder and turned it, revealing a hidden compartment. It was empty. He picked up a notepad adorned with the keyhole insignia.

    Yo Gary,

    I was supposed to leave you a stash of equipment here, but I had to bum it for a bag of ganja. Sorry dude.

    Peace'n all

    Brother Leo

    The only sound for a moment was Gary grinding his teeth. He had a few fantasies involving Brother Leo, embarrassing stress positions and things with spikes, and then he moved on.

  11. #11
    Registered: Aug 2001
    Location: yo mama
    The woman was leaning on the window sill, looking dreamily at the crescent moon, her mind occupied with romantic thoughts.

    She sighed.

    "Oh, well. What's a Mechalomaniac ball? After all, I suppose it would be frightfully dull, and— and boring, and completely—"

    She sighed.

    A gas arrow hit her smack on the forehead. Gary emerged from the shadows, fighting with his gag reflex.

    He made sure she laid comfortably, no purse or jewellery chafing her. Then he made his way to the tower.

    It was the tallest building he had ever seen, even without the evil-looking spire on top that was pulsating ominously. He had to admit, what they lacked in sensibility they made up with style.

    "So this is the Castle of the Future. They certainly made it to look that way." He went and looked for an entrance.

    End of part one
    Last edited by odourpreventer; 26th May 2008 at 15:24.

  12. #12
    Registered: Jan 2005
    Location: Sona-Nyl
    And the thing about my reputation is, it only stays alive as long as I do.

    This is great. I'd almost forgotten about the Mental Age

  13. #13
    Registered: Mar 2006
    Haha, Great stuff, liked the thieves part
    full set of action figures, including the Children of Kletus, with Genuine Piston Action™

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