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Thread: Kleptomaniac: The Not-So-Bright Project

  1. #1

    Kleptomaniac: The Not-So-Bright Project

    The most dysfunctional acolyte left us (good ridance),
    Not for the lesser folly of indecision,
    But the greater folly of megalomania.
    His mind was foggy.
    His intentions were good,
    But his incompetence was unmatched.
    Even then, we knew to watch him most carefully
    (lest by his bungling he bring ruin to us all).

         - Keeper Annal Retentives

    Thus begins the adventures of Garrotte, an absent-minded, clumsy kleptomaniac who fancies himself a master thief.

    Okay, it needs work, but it's a start.

  2. #2


    Funny! That was hilarious. That would be a total kick ass spoof on Thief.

  3. #3

    Twould make a good addition for the into of the Blooper Reel

  4. #4



  5. #5

    Kick ass stuff MrLC!!!! Hope Garrote decides to make a guest appearance on LITOQ!!!

    -MrDuck, Master Duck of Dubious Foot Gnawing at Clan MBOP(aka Clan Foofie), first disciple of the OOTWM(Order Of The Wee Master)and head publisher of LITOQ(Life In The Old Quarter, visit us in our forum at:, now a fan-fic at The Circle).

    "Quack at dawn, quack at noon and quack in the night....what about between meal quacks??"

  6. #6

    [applauds LoneCoyote]
    That was great!
    ...there's more coming soon, I hope.

  7. #7

    lol great!
    /me wants a second helping

  8. #8
    Keeper Hellzon

    Excellent. Keep it going. Maybe an FM ?

  9. #9

    Wow, thanks everyone! Yes, more will be coming soon. I'm working on the first chapter now.

  10. #10

    ...Whoopee! that's funny

  11. #11

    Okay, I've finished the first scene of chapter 1. Here it is:


    Slashy lit a candle as night descended on The City. He had been working at his desk for what seemed like hours, trying to sort out the inventory of all the stolen valuables in his black market shop.

    A sudden commotion just outside the front door made Slashy jolt upright in his chair. What was that? he thought. He drew his knife (just in case) and crept to the front window. He cracked the shutters ever so slightly to try to get a peek at whoever (or whatever) was making all that noise.

    By the dim light from a lamp across the street, Slashy could see a man on his hands and knees picking up what looked like a bunch of arrows scattered all over the porch. "Oh no," Slashy muttered. "Not him again."

    Slashy put away his knife and sighed. He went to the door, opened it, and stood there watching as the man continued picking up arrows and putting them back into a quiver. He was apparently oblivious to Slashy's presence.

    When the man had finished picking up the arrows, he stood and faced the door, then suddenly yelped with fright as he noticed Slashy standing there.

    "Slashy! Man, you startled me," he said. "You shouldn't go around sneaking up on people like that."

    "What are you doing here, Garrotte?" asked Slashy impatiently.

    "What do you mean what am I doing here?" replied Garrotte. "I've come to see if you've got a job for me. See? I've got my thief outfit, my equipment, and everything. I'm ready to steal something."

    Slashy rubbed his face wearily. In all his years as a fence, he had never encountered such a clumsy, absent-minded criminal wannabe. Garrotte fancied himself a master thief, but the only thing he really excelled at was incompetence. Yet Garrotte was very persistent - much too persistent for Slashy's liking. Over the past few weeks, Garrotte had become as pesky as a Hammerite missionary.

    "Garrotte, I don't know if this is such a good idea."

    "Ah, come on," Garrotte insisted. "You said you'd help me get accepted into the Thieves Guild. I've got to steal something big to earn their approval. And I'm up to the challenge, being the master thief that I am."

    "Garrotte," moaned Slashy in exasperation.

    "Come on," Garrotte pleaded. "Give me something good. Hey! What about that Waffle guy you mentioned?"

    "You mean Lord Baffle?" asked Slashy.

    "Yeah, that's the guy. Baffle. You said he had a septum or something."

    "A septre," said Slashy. "Yes. It's silver and encrusted with jewels and the usual adornments. It would fetch a very high price."

    "Oh, I don't care about the money," responded Garrotte. "I just want to steal something. It's what I live for."

    Slashy sighed and thought for a moment. It was obvious that he wasn't going to get rid of this taffer, so he might as well give him the job. Most likely the man would foul up and get himself caught by the house guards, and that would put an end to his annoying visits. Slashy smiled in grim satisfaction at this thought.

    "Alright, Garrotte," said Slashy. "You've got the job."

    "Great!" exclaimed Garrotte. "Okay uhm where does this Waffle guy live?"

    "Baffle," corrected Slashy.

    "Waffle, Baffle, whatever. Where do I find that septum thing?"

    Slashy sighed yet again. "Come in," he said in resignation. "I'll show you."

    Garrotte followed Slashy to a desk littered with papers. Slashy rummaged through the papers until he found a map, which he spread out on the desk.

    "Okay," began Slashy. "This Lord Baffle is currently out of town - gone to some political convention, I think - and he's taken the captain of his house guard with him. Now, the front gate is heavily guarded, so don't try to go in that way. Go around to the side where there's a well house "

    "Wait," interrupted Garrotte. "Do you have a spare piece of parchment? I want to write this down."

    "Ah okay here, use this," said Slashy as he handed Garrotte a scrap of paper.

    "Can I borrow a quill, too?" asked Garrotte.

    "Yes. Use this one," replied Slashy. "Now, where was I? Ah, yes. Rumor has it that you can find a way into the cellar of the manor through the underground cistern that "

    "Wait," interrupted Garrotte again. "What did you say at the beginning? Try the front gate first?"

    "No, no," said Slashy impatiently. "Don't try the front gate - it's too heavily guarded."

    "Have you got another quill?" asked Garrotte. "This one doesn't write too well."

    "Here, try this one."

    "Okay then," said Garrotte. "I go around to the warehouse and find a sister?"

    Slashy smacked his forehead with his hand. "No," he said as calmly as he could. "You go around to the well house and drop down into the cistern."

    "What's a cistern?" asked Garrotte. "I thought I was going after a septum."

    "No, you're going after a septre," explained Slashy. "You have to go through the cistern oh, nevermind. Look, just get in the well house, jump in the well, and start swimming."

    "Ah how do you spell septum?" asked Garrotte.

    "It doesn't matter!" yelled Slashy, finally losing his patience. "Look, just get in the house, go to the top floor, and find a long silvery-looking object."

    "Okay," replied Garrotte. "I gotcha. Now, what does this septum thing look like?"

    Slashy closed his eyes and muttered, "Oh Builder, help me."

    When he had regained his composure, Slashy decided on a different tactic. "Look," he said. "Just go in through the front gate, and you'll do fine."

    "Thanks," said Garrotte. "Why didn't you just say so in the first place?"

  12. #12

    Heheh, instant classic! Keep up the good work!

  13. #13

    This is ... how could you ...

    But it's REALLY funny!


  14. #14

    Hehehe lol


  15. #15
    Blue Canary

    Can't....breathe.... laughing... too hard....

    Falls over...

  16. #16

    I was working on something like this, but you do it MUCH better!

    Keep up the great work!


    "The Road to the End is paved with gold..." - From the Black Book
    "The state of drunkenness does not befit the guardian..."-Plato, from The Republic
    Fan Mission "The Order"-%8 Complete

  17. #17

    Heh heh.

    Good stuff.

  18. #18

    mm...hmph.... heh...

    huh... hahaha! Now THAT'S great writing.

  19. #19

    OOO!!OOO!! Somebody do Cragscleft!!! This thread is bound to become a classic!

    He climbs up through the weapon, but his surprise...-Sting

    Walkthroughs, Secrets, & Lootmaps available for TDP/TG and T2 at Keeperchapel.

  20. #20

    LOL, LoneCoyote! I hope you're already writing the next scene. I'm dying to know if Garrotte gets the septum, er, sceptre.

  21. #21

    Ha Haaaaaaaaaa ha ha ha!

    Halarious. Great work!, LoneCoyote.

    I can't wait for the next part!

    Oh Builder, help me.

  22. #22

    My plan is to cover the world
    in perpetual dimness.
    You know, not too dark,
    yet not so bright.
    Kinda like twilight.
    Yeah, that's it.

         - The Trixsta

    And now, on with the story ...

    Later that night, Garrotte found himself standing just outside the front gate of Lord Baffle's manor. He had spent hours wandering the streets of The City just trying to find the place. He finally had to wake up an innkeeper to ask for directions.

    But now, here he was. He strode boldly toward the archway leading to the front entrance, but then stopped at the sudden sound of voices on the other side of the stone wall.

    "Hey! I'm going to the cow pits tomorrow. You wanna come with?" inquired one man.

    "Tah! You couldn't pay me enough," retorted another.

    "Ah, you softbelly. Da cows 'ave got these teats with metal dispensers attached to 'em. Da last time I was there, there was a real milk fest," said the first man.

    "Nah, nah. I'm lactose intolerant. It makes me sick!"

    "Huh! I'm surprised your bones are strong enough ta hold you up," said the first man, who then went into a mocking voice: "Oh the milk, it turns my poor tummy."

    "Shut up, you taffer!" replied the second man. "You want milk? You shoulda been there years ago. I tell ya, da cows back then, dey were something ta see. Doze cows - dey didn't need no metal dispensers, and teat collars, and all dat gadgetry you straps to 'em now."

    "No metal dispensers? What'd dey do? Suck it right out of the cow?"

    "Huh! Nah, da cows back then, dey had teats as long as your finger!"

    "Cows? You're taffing me. Dey looks pretty small as long as they're not wearing a teat collar."

    "Dats why I can't stand da pits now. You don't know what you missed. Dey just don't make cows like they used to."

    "Woah! Finger-long teats! Woulda like ta seen that."

    Garrotte stood enthralled by the conversation. When it was obvious that they weren't going to say anything more, he turned his attention back to getting into the manor.

    Well, I'm not going to get in that way, he thought. Why didn't Slashy tell me there were guards at the front door? Oh well, I guess I'll go around the house and see if there's an open window or something.

    So off he went, carefully examining the walls for some kind of opening he could squeeze into.

    He was so intent on his examination that he didn't notice the guard patrolling the street ahead of him, and the both of them ended up colliding head-on with each other as they rounded a corner. The impact knocked Garrotte's quiver sideways, spilling his arrows all over the cobblestones.

    "Hey! Watch where you're going!" yelled the guard.

    "I'm terribly sorry," said Garrotte as he kneeled to pick up his arrows.

    "Hey! What's this?" demanded the guard, noticing the arrows and all the equipment Garrotte was carrying. "You're a thief, aren't you?!"

    The guard's hand went to the hilt of his sword.

    "No! No!" stammered Garrotte. "I'm not a thief! I'm a ... I'm a ... an arrow salesman! Yes, that's it! I sell arrows! See?"

    Garrotte gestured at the scattered arrows, but the guard continued to eye him suspiciously.

    "An arrow salesman?" repeated the guard.

    "Yes," replied Garrotte. "Could I interest you in a few arrows?"

    "I have no use for arrows," growled the guard. "I'd rather have a good sword any day."

    "Well then," Garrotte said nervously. "I guess I'll be on my way. Sorry to have bothered you."

    Garrotte finished collecting his arrows and turned to scurry away.

    "Wait!" commanded the guard.

    Garrotte froze. He muttered under his breath: "Uh oh."

    "If you truly be an arrow salesman," declared the guard, "then I may have a few customers for you. Remmy and Mangus - who are Lord Baffle's archers - are in need of some new arrows. Follow me, and I'll take you to them."

    The guard began walking toward the front of the manor. Garrotte stood there flabbergasted for a moment.

    The guard noticed that Garrotte wasn't following, turned, and said, "Well, come on, then."

    Reluctantly, Garrotte followed.

    ... to be continued ...

  23. #23



    Keep up the good work, and by all means, quit your day job!!

  24. #24

    The ancient corruption was contained.
    To do more might have caused permanent damage,
    But we knew to remain ever vigilant lest it resurface,
    Because you never can be too sure
    That you've completely eliminated
    The mold that crops up in lavatory tile grout.

         - Keeper Annal Retentives

    Garrotte followed the guard around to the front gate of the manor. The three guards posted there saw them approaching, and eyed Garrotte with much curiousity.

    One of the guards called out to Garrotte's escort: "Caught you a thief, eh Cogsdale?"

    "No," replied Cogsdale. "He's an arrow salesman."

    "A what?" asked another guard increduously.

    "An arrow salesman," repeated Cogsdale.

    "An arrow salesman?" echoed the guard.

    "Yes," said Cogsdale. "I'm taking him to see Remmy and Mangus."

    Cogsdale opened the gate, and motioned for Garrotte to enter. The guards watched the two disappear into the manor.

    "An arrow salesman," a guard mused. "What will they think of next?"

    Cogsdale lead Garrotte into a two story-high front room. Garrotte noticed two balconies at the two far corners of the room - each with an archer standing watch over the entrance.

    Inside at last! thought Garrotte. But how am I going to ditch these guards?

    Cogsdale called for the archers to come down, which they did with some complaining.

    When the archers arrived in the front room, Cogsdale said, "If you still need some new arrows, this man claims to be an arrow salesman."

    "An arrow salesman, eh?" replied Remmy.

    The three of them looked expectantly at Garrotte, who suddenly realized that they were expecting him to show some arrows.

    "Oh," said Garrotte sheepishly. "Ah ... yes ... arrows. I guess you'd like to see some."

    "Are they good arrows?" asked Mangus.

    "Well, yes" said Garrotte reluctantly, and he began removing his quiver to show them the arrows, but he got the strap tangled in his arm and ended up spilling the arrows all over the floor.

    "Sorry," Garrotte said. The archers knelt to examine the arrows.

    "Hmm," said Remmy. "These broadheads look pretty good. How much are you selling them for?"

    "Ah ... well ... I ... ah," stammered Garrotte.

    "Hey, what kind of arrow is this? It's got a funny blue head on it," said Mangus.

    "Well ... ah ... that's a water arrow," replied Garrotte.

    "A water arrow?" inquired Remmy. "Never heard of such. What's it for?"

    "Well," replied Garrotte, "it's ... ah ... for putting out fires."

    "Fires?" prompted Mangus.

    "Yeah, you know," said Garrotte. "Fires. Like if you were ... ah ... walking down a hallway and you happened to see a fire. You could ... like ... put it out. From a distance."

    "I've never seen a fire when I was patrolling," commented Remmy.

    "I have," said Mangus. "One time I passed by this room and saw that a spark from the fireplace had jumped out onto the rug and set it afire. Luckily, stone don't burn, else the whole room would've gone up in smoke. Probably the whole house too."

    Suddenly, Garrotte's face took on a pained expression, and he cringed while holding his stomach.

    "What's wrong?" asked Remmy.

    "I've got to go," said Garrotte a little panicky.

    "Go where?" asked Cogsdale.

    "To the lavatory," replied Garrotte.

    "Oh, alright," said Cogsdale. "Follow me."

    While the archers continued examining the arrows and exchanging stories of near disasters they'd seen while on patrol, Cogsdale lead a limping Garrotte to one of the servant's lavatories at the back of the house. Garrotte went inside and shut the door while Cogsdale stood guard outside. By this time, Garrotte could hardly retain himself, so he decided to forgo his usual inspection of the wooden surface of the lavatory seat for potential splinters.

    A little while later, Garrotte had finished his business, and he began to look around for some sheets of vellum tissue. There was none to be seen. Feeling a bit embarassed, Garrotte went to the door and opened it slightly.

    "Excuse me," said Garrotte.

    "What?" said Cogsdale.

    "Ah ... this is a little embarassing, but ... there's no ... ah ... paper for ... well, you know."

    "Oh, for Builder's sakes," complained Cogsdale. "Alright. Just stay there. I'll go find one of the servants and get you some paper."

    "Thanks," said Garrotte.

    Cogsdale walked away, and Garrotte shut the door to wait. Suddenly, it occurred to Garrotte that now was his chance. The guard had left, so he could sneak out and start exploring the house. However, he didn't relish the thought of sneaking around the house having to put up with that awful greasy feeling the whole time. He pondered what to do.

    Then it came to him. He tore off a piece of his undershirt and used it to ... finish the transaction, so to speak. Then he slipped out of the lavatory and quickly down the hallway.

    ... to be continued ...

  25. #25



    Keep it up, LoneCoyote!

    This is great!!

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