All things come to an end they say but I never subscribed to that. Once I set myself I'm done. But even I could see this coming. I was pretty wild. She was pretty flight prone. Not a good combination. I loved her though. I thought nothing could change that.
My senior term paper was due in another month or two. I decided to do it on "The reality of reality". I had been reading Masters and Johnson's book "The Psychedelic Experience" and the pin downable definition was atomic structure verses perception of course but "The Dancing Wu Li Masters" would have you think that was up for grabs too. Nevermind "The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" which everyone held in high regard but said a lot of obvious aphorisms. Basically I was slinging a lot bull with a good deal of citations for things like Hopi Indian rituals and shit like that. In the end it held together and I got an A- but it had me interested in LSD.
Now I kept appearances as if I were Mr. goody goody good grades straight arrow. I won Laurie's mom over and she was a judge. No shit. Her Dad was a construction worker built like a gorilla and I had worked all summer with him building batter boards and leveling for concrete at a golf ball factory in Pontotoc. I can't pass that place without thinking what a hot hard job that was. I earned his respect. As an aside I recall listening to somebody's radio playing Queens "You're my Best Friend" and thinking Laurie and I just were not at that level but it's what I wanted. I thought with enough honesty that could happen.
Right. One Friday she wanted to go out with her friends to skate and she thought I ought to go be with my friends too. We had been up each others business too much lately. Ostensibly that sounded right. I knew I should be able to trust her and if not then what was the point right? I tested it a bit by telling her I hadn't been skating in a long while and that might be fun. No no I should go be with my friends. Her and Sandra were going to catch up on their friendship and I should go. I knew. I've often felt I have lived this exact same life before. In those days I sometimes recalled entire sentences of dialogue. Nobody believes that shit though. Deja vu? Even I didn't believe. I felt something though and ignored it. What could I do?
So that night one of the guys has some micro dot. Cool. It was great. I'm not going to lie, if it wasn't unseemly to take everyday in minor doses I think I would. We laughed and hung out talking of the mysteries of the universe. The usual thing you do on it. It tweaked my perception of color for the rest of my life. I notice nuances most can't now and that helps me in my line of work. It didn't help me the next day when I told Laurie what I had done. She immediately broke up with me. It hurt bad. More than I thought it would. Don't. It will be the last time. She did. I came outside broken and asked a friend for a cigarette. I had been quit for six months.
I tried to pretend it didn't bother me. It did. It did every minute. What hurt more than anything was she told her friends who liked me like Toni that she was scared of me. That I might hurt her. How could she have been with me so long and not know who I was? How could she say that? Something was not right. For icing on the cake she told her parents I took acid and they told mine. Great. Any other betrayal you want to throw in? I won't go into what I went through with my parents. They went through my room on the sly though and read all her letters to me. That was bad. Bad for her too. She never held anything back about what she liked me to do.
The hurt just compounded. But I knew something wasn't right. I knew there was more to it. I told her there was another guy involved. There had to be. She swore there wasn't. I went to see her at Toni's (pronounced Tawny) house. I laid out everything I felt for her and why. It didn't matter. I fell to my knees and cried. I was abject wretched. Never again would I be that pathetic. Then she said something that woke me up. She said, "you just can't understand that I don't love you". It wasn't the words so much as the tone of marvel in them. As if she was incapable of understanding that level of feeling. I left a bit wiser then. All her words were just words. I understood that now.
The following week she began to treat me human again. Lord what confusing shit is this now? Turns out she wants her naked pictures we had taken. Sure. I'm a good and decent guy. Despite the horrible person she was making me out to be to justify herself, I am. Nothing she could do could change that. As I handed them over I told her she could stop being nice to me now.
I was walking back from some outside class and she and a friend were in front of me when I caught a snippet of nonchalance about some guy she seemed to be giddy over. I dropped my books right there in the street and walked home twenty miles. I just did not feel I could deal. She handed me my books the next day. Was there anything she wanted to tell me? No. One of my notebooks had flown like a frisby and hit her ankle. Sorry about that then. I never meant that. What about the guy she was talking about? There was no guy. If I didn't believe it I could check her notebooks.
That was a weird thing to say. The more I thought about it the weirder it seemed. She was counting on my honor to not check. I fought myself a while on it but had to know. While she was elsewhere I took her up on her offer and went to her locker. There in one notebook was the whole story. She had met a guy there. She was telling her friend Sandra all about that night at the skating rink in an unsent letter. To assuage her conscience and make it look like she was a victim she made me out to be as big a villain as she could. All to date this guy.
I couldn't date anyone. I was asked out by a sweet little girl in Art class. I declined. She was so sweet even about that. She put in her signing of my annual that it was a worthwhile try. That stabbed my heart a bit but I couldn't. I was asked out by a funny black girl and she made no bones about what she wanted on our date. I couldn't. I may as well have been neutered.
She came to my senior dance with the guy. She wasn't a senior. I had danced with a lot of the girls by that time of night but it was like learning to swim again with no arms. I left. I took acid with some buds not going to the dance. I forgot I had promised to help Craig with something so I came back as it was ending. She and he came out just as I was entering and I asked did they have a good time. They had. Good. Enjoy your evening. She never knew I was tripping. I was Mr. Cool.
Just before I entered college she called me up. Did I want to date again? She missed me. Just a trial thing. No sex. I found myself going along with her, believing the possibility of resurrecting that old feeling when I recalled her voice saying in awe "you just don't understand I don't love you". Oh god it killed me again. No. No, I didn't want to date again. You will just hurt me again and it might kill me this time. I guessed the boy had dumped her but I would never find out. I certainly would never ask.
I had been in college for awhile and I get a call at my cousins house. It's Ken from Lafayette. He wants to know if Laurie and I had had sex. What? Get out of here. I can't tell you that. She said she was a virgin. What? Well if that is what she said then. But he wants to know. Can't tell you bud. Get it from her. Well about that time helpful Elliott (who was dating my cousin and later married her) piped up with "he fucked the shit out of her!" No no damn it it was not like that we were in love I tried to tell him. Look if you are dating then you should get her to be honest with you. I never could do that. Just be honest with her and try your best to get it back. Whether or not she had sex already should be the least of your concern. I wish the two of you luck. I really do.
After I got out of the service where I had slept my way through a few women I thought I was okay finally. I wanted to see her one last time but I was going with a girl. All I wanted to do was wish her a great life. To convey some remnant of feeling for her. She was graduating and I went to it. I was at our old hangout spot between classes and talking to my girlfriend when she came over and stood nearby but not so near that I would figure it was for me. Belinda told me there she is. She said it in that fake smarmy you are mine now tone. I told her I wanted to leave it to her whether to speak. Laurie let out a gust of exasperation and stalked off. Belinda is a whole other did not work out story. That was the last I saw her. She moved to Texas. Her and Ken had a son and lasted ten years.
But dear lord her sister never fails to inform me of her life every time I'm in Kroger grocery. A lot of it about failed relationships. She seems to take delight in it. I avoid her now. All I want to know is that she has found love and knows how to love at last. I wish I could hear that for old times sake. Some small part of me will always be that hurt kid who still loves her.