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Thread: What to do with grief?

  1. #26
    Still Subjective
    Registered: Dec 1999
    Location: Idiocy will never die
    Quote Originally Posted by Tocky View Post
    she likes historical books about Scotland. Highlander stuff is her favorite.
    Tocky, I need to tell you something...

  2. #27
    Member
    Registered: Feb 2002
    Location: In the flesh.
    Perhaps I should have said historical settings. I guess I can't say much because I read a lot of Bernard Cornwell novels. They too are fiction but at least they are well researched and based on actual events. Agincourt of which Shakespeare gave his Henry V St. Crispin's day speech was particularly engrossing. I love the detail he gives a battle. You often come to understand why a battle was won. And too there is just something about a description of feeling through an arrow shaft how the arrow head is scraping along the back of someones skull after it has been driven through an eye socket.

  3. #28
    SShock2.com
    Member

    Registered: Apr 2001
    Location: The land of ever sideways rain
    Quote Originally Posted by heywood View Post
    Long, dark winters really affect our moods.
    Hahahahahahahaha....

    *sniff*

    I'm sorry, you don't know me well enough to realise why that's funny. I moved a little over 1000 miles south to get to Scotland. I'm from the arctic. Scotland is always too warm and never has any seasons, just sideways rain that goes from +5C to +15C. February isn't winter unless it's -32C and a metre of snow. Glasgow had +17C. IN FEBRUARY! Give me 8 months of snow, not 3 days. Cold? I beg to differ.

    :ahem:

    I apologise for that unnecessary outburst, I'm just trying to prove the point that this is a vastly different climate. Much, MUCH warmer. And rainier.

    And yes, the weather does affect your mood, you are entirely correct in that. I'm from one of the sunniest places in Sweden, and I now live where the skies are always grey. That in itself is a very big change, and I do notice how it affects my mood. Maybe that explains why Britons drink so much more than I'm used to.

    Thank you for that line though, it did give me a good laugh and cheered me up a bit.

    [Edit]

    I did read Nietzsche way back, 20-odd years ago, and I agree with about half of it. Not the stupid bits. Did not read Schopenhauer yet. As much as I enjoy philosophy, I''m pretty sure it won't solve my problem. I'm pretty old and I have a fairly good, solid idea about myself and the world. I am at my core a very calm, relaxed, open person, almost nice if you ignore the sarcasm, both naive optimist and bitter cynic, my problem is not with my annoying personality, it is how to deal with the loss of the most important person in my life.

    [Edit again]

    Since my previous post, I had a conversation with my stepdaughter, and the bags of clothes are now moved out, so that she and my sister-in-law can go through them. We also discussed vague plans for something to do with the ashes. Again, I don't really care where, I just need ONE place to be able to go to for any important dates. I have missed not being able to go anywhere to grieve, but that might change soonish. Things are moving.
    Last edited by Gray; 9th Mar 2019 at 22:59.

  4. #29
    El Shagmeister
    Registered: Jul 2000
    Location: Under your fingernails.
    <3

  5. #30
    Member
    Registered: Sep 2001
    Location: Qantas
    Quote Originally Posted by Gray View Post
    Hahahahahahahaha....

    *sniff*

    I'm sorry, you don't know me well enough to realise why that's funny. I moved a little over 1000 miles south to get to Scotland. I'm from the arctic. Scotland is always too warm and never has any seasons, just sideways rain that goes from +5C to +15C. February isn't winter unless it's -32C and a metre of snow. Glasgow had +17C. IN FEBRUARY! Give me 8 months of snow, not 3 days. Cold? I beg to differ.

    :ahem:

    I apologise for that unnecessary outburst, I'm just trying to prove the point that this is a vastly different climate. Much, MUCH warmer. And rainier.

    And yes, the weather does affect your mood, you are entirely correct in that. I'm from one of the sunniest places in Sweden, and I now live where the skies are always grey. That in itself is a very big change, and I do notice how it affects my mood. Maybe that explains why Britons drink so much more than I'm used to.

    Thank you for that line though, it did give me a good laugh and cheered me up a bit.
    It's not about the cold. Scotland doesn't really get cold (or warm for that matter). What makes Scotland so dreary in winter is that it's always overcast, and it's windy and raining most days. It's just unpleasant to be outside. Lack of sunshine is strongy linked with seasonal depression and mood disorders. That's why they drink a lot.

    I also grew up in a place with cold, snowy winters, and I live in a place now that is a lot colder (at least in the winters) and a lot snowier than Scotland. But in the middle of the winter, between the snow storms, we get lovely crisp, cold, sunny days, where it's nice to be outside. And I enjoy the snow sports.

    I spent one unusually dark winter near Weymouth in the South of England where it was blustery and raining most days, and when it wasn't raining it was still overcast and humid. There was one stretch where the sun didn't come out for over 40 days, and everything stayed wet and soggy/muddy all winter. It was the most, awful depressing winter I've ever had. Relatives tell me Scotland is like that most winters.

    In any case, I still advocate moving to someplace sunnier, even if you don't want to move South. Not immediately, but once you're far enough along in the grieving process to put a little separation between you and your step-daughter.
    Last edited by heywood; 12th Mar 2019 at 13:29.

  6. #31
    There is an after life man, you'll see it when it's time.
    Last edited by curseofnight; 11th Mar 2019 at 22:47.

  7. #32
    SShock2.com
    Member

    Registered: Apr 2001
    Location: The land of ever sideways rain
    Quote Originally Posted by heywood View Post
    What makes Scotland so dreary in winter is that it's always overcast, and it's windy and raining most days. It's just unpleasant to be outside. Lack of sunshine is strongy linked with seasonal depression and mood disorders.
    Yes.

    I do miss the sunshine. I'm not saying it's never sunny in Scotland, I'm just saying it's a lot less sunny than I'm used to, and yes, it does affect my mood. I try to make the most of the few sunny days, being outside as much as possible, unless it's one of those days where, while sunny, it's also raining sideways into your face. Like this week.

    [Edit]

    Also, there is insufficient evidence to suggest there is an afterlife. All we have is mythology and wishful thinking. Mainly the latter, because thinking about death as the end is quite a bummer. I bet you can not provide one single first-hand witness to support your opinion. I'll invoke the James Randi prize if I have to.
    Last edited by Gray; 15th Mar 2019 at 21:23.

  8. #33
    Gray, is Cariad Lloyd's GriefCast something you are familiar with?

    I can't promise it will help, but it's well-regarded, and people I know personally have found it to be good, so I've taken to recommending that people give it a listen.

  9. #34
    SShock2.com
    Member

    Registered: Apr 2001
    Location: The land of ever sideways rain
    I'm not familiar with it, but I like her, she's funny. I'll give it a go. Thanks.

  10. #35
    Gray, you’re welcome to crash on my couch in Barcelona if you wanna hit some southern latitudes at some point to change air

  11. #36
    SShock2.com
    Member

    Registered: Apr 2001
    Location: The land of ever sideways rain
    I appreciate it. I've been to Barcelona just once, but it seemed like a lovely city. Trouble is, I hate travelling now with my insomnia, so I'll probably never go again.

  12. #37
    Member
    Registered: Feb 2001
    Location: Somewhere
    How bad is your insomnia? Due to medical reasons, I rarely get more than 3 hours sleep per night, sometimes less. It rips me to shreds as I have 3 kids and work to deal with. Keep in mind I do have the opportunity to take a couple of quick naps during the day, otherwise I think i wouldnt be able to cope mentally.

  13. #38
    SShock2.com
    Member

    Registered: Apr 2001
    Location: The land of ever sideways rain
    If I'm lucky, maybe 4-5 hours a night, waking up a lot in between, and I get very poor sleep quality. My brain is pretty much scrambled. That is why I stopped moderating TTLG in the first place, I just couldn't keep up any more.

    And trust me on this, grief and alcohol does not help.

  14. #39
    Member
    Registered: Feb 2001
    Location: Somewhere
    I cant speak for grief, but yeh booze does not help. Thankfully I have the support of family and friends. I wish you the best.

  15. #40
    Taking the Death Toll
    Registered: Aug 2004
    Location: someplace better than this
    I've been going to counseling after my mom died. I'm lucky my insurance covers it, but I highly recommend counseling for anyone who can get it. Everyone should have therapy. World would be a bit better that way.

  16. #41
    Member
    Registered: Mar 2001
    Location: Melbourne, Australia
    My condolences deth.

  17. #42
    Member
    Registered: Mar 2005
    Location: Netherlands
    The first thing that helped me a little was watching angry, violent movies because those movies matched the way I was feeling. After a while I noticed I was done feeling so very angry. Also I sought out support with friends and family and even on Facebook. I wasn't trying to put on a brave face if I felt sad, and the support I got in those moments was heartwarming.

    I guess I was lucky in the sense that 9 months after my wife's passing I was asked for a programming position. I'd done a programming education which I graduated for a month before my wife's death. Immediately after that happened I guess it was okay to stay a little while at my previous job, because I knew the people well and I knew I was good at the job, so it was kind of a low-stress working environment. But now, working a full year as a programmer, the challenge and complexity of the work help me to divert my mind and focusing on my career as a developer has given me a goal to strive towards. Since a month I have a new girlfriend, an ex-colleague from my old job who I've been hanging out with since this summer. It helps that she's very understanding of my intermittent desire to speak about my wife, I can always talk to her about that if I feel the need. Now I have frequent moments of happiness again, which I'm very thankful for.

  18. #43
    Chakat sex pillow
    Registered: Sep 2006
    Location: not here
    I'm sorry to hear that, deth. I wouldn't know how to deal with that in your place. I hope you get all the support you need. May your mom rest in peace.

    Be well.

  19. #44
    Taking the Death Toll
    Registered: Aug 2004
    Location: someplace better than this
    Yeah it's been a rough few months, she died in early December.

    I think I'll be okay, it's just sorting through the wreckage that's the hard part.

    Thanks y'all.

  20. #45
    Member
    Registered: Feb 2002
    Location: In the flesh.
    You weren't here to see me go off on Vivian that time he did a your mom joke of sorts. A non sequitur out of nowhere even. We just had moms 84th birthday but she has been in such poor health. I know he didn't understand why I got so angry but one day he will. You never want to let them go. I've been dreading it for awhile now and hoping for just a few more years. I'm sorry to hear you have had to let yours go dethy.

    Glad to hear of your frequent moments of happiness Harvester. It's what I wish for Gray.

  21. #46
    El Shagmeister
    Registered: Jul 2000
    Location: Under your fingernails.
    <3 dethy

  22. #47
    SShock2.com
    Member

    Registered: Apr 2001
    Location: The land of ever sideways rain
    Quote Originally Posted by dethtoll View Post
    I highly recommend counseling for anyone who can get it.
    I fully intend on getting that, I just have to be ready for it first. I'm not quite there yet. I'm now at the stage where I can speak about three sentences about my wife before I start crying. I need to be able to speak for at least five minutes before it'll do any good. So far I'm just dealing with it with my family.

  23. #48
    SShock2.com
    Member

    Registered: Apr 2001
    Location: The land of ever sideways rain
    Quote Originally Posted by Harvester View Post
    watching angry, violent movies
    Been there, done that. Still doing it. Listening to angry shouty music. But, I did that even before we met, it just means something different to me now.

    I was watching quite a lot of stuff the other week, and I noticed a pattern that was by no means intended.

    Shetland: detective has a dead wife.
    Death in Paradise: detective has a dead wife.
    Punisher: protagonist's entire family is horribly killed.

    These are all shows we used to watch together, but they're different now.

    [Edit]

    They're all very different genres.

    Shetland: dark, slow and brooding.
    Death in Paradise: light hearted, bouncy, like a formulaic Agatha Christie in the Carribean, with reggae.
    Punisher: violent action.

    It just seems whichever way I turn for fiction to kill time until I feel better, I end up with the same themes.
    Last edited by Gray; 21st Mar 2019 at 20:27.

  24. #49
    SShock2.com
    Member

    Registered: Apr 2001
    Location: The land of ever sideways rain
    Quote Originally Posted by Gray View Post
    I'm a very mediocre musician.
    Slight tangent off this thread, I'd just like to recommend to other mediocre musicians a tablet app called Caustic for Android, I've made lots and lots of terrible stuff nobody will ever hear on it, and it only cost me 6. Fortunately, it allows me to layer my favourite six drum machines, and has other fairly neat stuff as well. No, I'm not paid to promote it, it's just one of the tools I'm using to process this thing I'm going through, and it's fairly decent.

  25. #50
    Member
    Registered: May 2004
    A dead spouse is altogether all too common in fiction, unfortunately, and is oftentimes used as cheap and lazy character motivation, especially in revenge stories.

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