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Thread: What to do with grief?

  1. #51
    SShock2.com
    Member

    Registered: Apr 2001
    Location: The land of ever sideways rain
    Yes, you are correct. I already knew that decades ago, but now, for obvious reasons, I'm paying attention a bit more to those tropes. It's a dramatic device, etc.

  2. #52
    SShock2.com
    Member

    Registered: Apr 2001
    Location: The land of ever sideways rain
    Some progress has now been made. We're currently discussing with the family where to scatter the ashes. I don't have any strong opinions on the matter, I just want it settled, and in a place I can go to.

  3. #53
    Member
    Registered: May 2004
    Good to have some closure at least.

  4. #54
    SShock2.com
    Member

    Registered: Apr 2001
    Location: The land of ever sideways rain
    We're not there yet, it will probably be another few weeks at least, but things are moving, and I do need the closure. I can't endure our anniversary without the issue being resolved. Things are looking up, we're discussing practical details now.

  5. #55
    Taking the Death Toll
    Registered: Aug 2004
    Location: ideally far away
    You know what sucks? Learning a bunch of stuff about a loved one that on the one hand explains so much about them and yet on the other hand you were probably better off not knowing.

    Couldn't figure out why I've been so bummed out this weekend until just now.

  6. #56
    SShock2.com
    Member

    Registered: Apr 2001
    Location: The land of ever sideways rain
    You know, I'd agree with that, except me and my wife had no secrets. I mean, not even the embarrassing ones. We were both way too old for secrets, we spoke very plainly and directly with each other. I've never had that with anyone else. It's one of the reasons I miss her so much.

    Is there a story you'd like to share, Deth?

  7. #57
    Taking the Death Toll
    Registered: Aug 2004
    Location: ideally far away
    It's fairly private stuff about my mom that I'm not comfortable sharing on a forum. Basically it answers some long-standing questions I had, but at a cost.

  8. #58
    SShock2.com
    Member

    Registered: Apr 2001
    Location: The land of ever sideways rain
    Fair enough.

  9. #59
    SShock2.com
    Member

    Registered: Apr 2001
    Location: The land of ever sideways rain
    A date and a place for the ashes has been settled. That, to me, will be some kind of closure. Finally, we're coming together as a family to discuss the painful difficult things. It's like tearing at an open wound, and pouring some salt in it, and then beating it with a stick just for good measure, but we needed to have this discussion and we've made a decision. I'm actually quite proud of my stepkids for stepping up to the plate and handling it well. Better than I could. I bet they get their smarts from their mother.

    [Edit]

    I realise of course this is completely uninteresting to everybody else. I'm just relating it for reference, if you should ever find yourself in a similar situation. Even very difficult things can be talked through and agreed upon. You just have to struggle through the pain and deal with it, and in the process, some people close to you might surprise you in a good way with strengths you didn't know they had.

    [Edit again]

    That was not a Brexit metaphor, it just accidently looks like one. Sorry about that, it was a more personal matter. Almost everything I say now is Brexity, this was not it.
    Last edited by Gray; 30th Mar 2019 at 17:33.

  10. #60
    Member
    Registered: Feb 2002
    Location: In the flesh.
    I used to say I wanted my ashes mixed in some really good Colombian gold and smoked by all my friends. That way they could say how good I was ever after without lying. These days I think being a time capsule for future archaeologists would be better. I also would like to set it up so that they could call my phone and get a personal message from me for a bit. This is Tocky, I can't come to the phone right now... or ever... leave a message. And then have it so that they get a call back from me with my message. One last joke for some like "having a wonderful time, wish you were here" and others something sentimental. Not sure if that would help or hurt but the idea of it makes me laugh. Anyway, I'm glad you are getting the last of the details done. Whatever helps you heal.

  11. #61
    Member
    Registered: Jun 2010
    Location: A Former Forest
    Gray, may the road rise with you, You have touched me and a pray you will go on. I think you will.
    Be strong. We all have to be strong in hard times.

    I feae for you and your loss. It will hurt years from now too, but the pain will be less over time. There is never closure though. There is acceptance. May you find peace. I am still searching, but content that it is OK. I am so sorry for your loss. Stick around and live. It is worth it.

  12. #62
    SShock2.com
    Member

    Registered: Apr 2001
    Location: The land of ever sideways rain
    Quote Originally Posted by bjack View Post
    may the road rise with you
    I don't understand that line. I know it only from Public Image Ltd, and John Lydon said it was an Irish reference, but I do not know what it is actually supposed to mean or refer to.

    I will assume its a good thing, so, thank you.

    [Edit]

    PiL link:
    http://https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Vq7JSic1DtM

    Crappy tablet interface, I have to edit so many times just to get the errors out. This is not the device I usually post on. Sorry for my lack of technical skills.
    Last edited by Gray; 31st Mar 2019 at 10:24.

  13. #63
    Member
    Registered: Feb 2001
    Location: Somewhere
    you could be wrong, you could be right

  14. #64
    SShock2.com
    Member

    Registered: Apr 2001
    Location: The land of ever sideways rain
    PigLick, thanks for that, it brightened my day.

    Oddly, now that I think back about it, that song probably meant more to me than I realised. I usually do electronic stuff, but many of the elements of that song has influenced me more than I thought. Thanks Pig, bjack and Lydon.

  15. #65
    Moderator
    Registered: Jan 2003
    Location: NeoTokyo
    I always understood "may the road rise with you" as telling you to take the high road (do what you think is the right thing to do) whatever you're doing. You could be wrong; you could be right, but you should take the path that you think is best and may the road rise with you.

  16. #66
    Member
    Registered: Aug 2004
    Supposedly it's an over-literal translation of a phrase that simply meant "May your journey be successful".

  17. #67
    Member
    Registered: Jun 2010
    Location: A Former Forest
    Ang gar is an NRG! There is a lot of wisdom in that song. There are serious matters in the world. The last thing you need is to take yourself too seriously. Your love will find another. Whomever that person is, or even a passion directed toward some activity. Let yourself live and still hold onto to love for your lost one. Someone that is beyond special... someone who you cannot even begin to tell us how that can be. It’s your soul that is hurt. It’s hard, I know. It will never really pass completely, but will get better. It will. Be strong. It’s the alone times late at night when the demons come to play with your head. Metaphorically speaking. Tell them to fuck off. May God bless you. Whomever that dude is... I’m still searching.

  18. #68
    SShock2.com
    Member

    Registered: Apr 2001
    Location: The land of ever sideways rain
    Thank you.

    Back in the day, I used the phrase "anger is an energy" to motivate myself, with the full intent of being more warm, loving and caring. I was full of anger back then, and I decided to use it for a purpose. To change myself. I tried to be a better person, and I still try. So in that sense, yeah, that song probably meant more to me than I thought.

    As for the phrase "may the road rise with you", I probably don't get the full context, but I got a bit of a better grasp of it now, thanks, and I appreciate it.

  19. #69
    Member
    Registered: Apr 2005
    Location: Watching the puppets thrash.
    Gray,

    I'm sorry. I know I would enter a time of darkness if my partner passed away, and likely they wouldn't do well for some time if I pass on. In the past, I found comfort in the idea that there is no such physical thing such as love and longing, and that you can live on your own. That is true to some extent, and maybe some people can live on their own, but having been with someone changes your perspective.

    I wish I had more encouraging words to give you. I hope that you find your way. There are many paths and possibilities in this world. I hope you encounter many good ones from now on.

  20. #70
    SShock2.com
    Member

    Registered: Apr 2001
    Location: The land of ever sideways rain
    Quote Originally Posted by TTK12G3 View Post
    there is no such physical thing such as love and longing
    I beg to differ. I can physically feel it.

    Quote Originally Posted by TTK12G3 View Post
    some people can live on their own, but having been with someone changes your perspective.
    I would agree with that. I was quite happy with my previous girlfriend, I thought I loved her, quite a lot. It seems I had a lot to learn. After we broke up, I lived alone. I got quite good at it. It was about 12 years between her and then meeting the woman who would eventually be my wife. So yeah, I had a lot if years to get accustomed to living alone. I am by nature quite solitary, but even I need the occasional human connection. I did not have that for years and years, and learned to do without it. I got pretty settled in, and content.

    Then I met her. She broke my shell. She opened me up. I was so used to being closed up, but she wore me down and forced me to expose emotions I had hidden for years. Now it all came pouring out. I loved her. I love her. I will always love her. Everything I thought I knew about love was blown out of the water. It wasn't cranked up to 11, but to Infinite. It was a massively different thing. If all the previous love I ever felt for anybody could fill a room, then the love I felt for my wife would dwarf the universe. It was on a completely different scale. Much bigger. She broke the scale.

    But you're right, it does change your perspective. I've seen different sides of it, and I'm now on a side I'm not too happy with. Longing. Ache. Fond memories. Happier times.

    I'm gonna try go focus on the happier times. There were a lot of them. I feel very fortunate. I knew what it was like.
    Last edited by Gray; 13th Apr 2019 at 11:06.

  21. #71
    Member
    Registered: Aug 2001
    Gray, I'm so sorry, I bet your sick of hearing that. My heart aches for you. One thought came to mind, what would *she* want* for you. What would she want you to do with your life. Only you can answer that. Its a daily struggle. Some good days, some better than others. If you don't have a pet, get a pet you can squeeze the stuffing out of. Most people want our loved ones to carry on, we have no choice, but, we can choose how we live it. You'll find yourself again, and I agree with other sentiments, being busy does help.

    TTLG - The Therapy Love group! uhuh. Sure. Talking, writing, its a way to release. If you don't, you'll bust.

    I mentioned a pet, my sister has her dog Bentley, her husband my brother in law died on Christmas day, very suddenly. Christmas day......*sigh*. I don't know what she would do without that dog. She's alone now, but, she is content, and stays busy.

    We're here for you.

  22. #72
    SShock2.com
    Member

    Registered: Apr 2001
    Location: The land of ever sideways rain
    What would she want? I think of that every day. She'd want me to be happy, but not too happy. If she had one minor flaw, it was that she wanted me for herself, and got very jealous of any imagined threat to that. No other woman would ever look at me twice, but in her mind, everybody was flirting with me. Not so. I had over a decade of all women ignoring me, I am not someone who is flirted with. I stopped even noticing women after I met her. Her jealousy was quite cute, but pointless. I was hers only. In her will, she stipulated that her flat goes to her children, but I can live in it rent-free for as long as I like, unless I get remarried. Still jealous of something that will never happen. She'd want me to be happy, but that seems quite a far way away just now.

    Pets. No.

    I'm sure they can be lovely, but I'm very allergic to anything furry. And mushrooms. And dust. And pollen. And people foolish enough to vote conservative against their own interest. I have a lot of allergies.

    Jokes aside, she was very fond of dogs, and used to have a few, but when we met, she was done with that, and fed up with the mess they create. She had already decided she did not want another dog in the house, but was very happy to play with other people's dogs. I suppose, if she had any pets when we met, I would never have moved to Scotland, and this thread would be a lot shorter.

    [Edit]

    We were an exceptionally unlikely but perfect match. I'm a very difficult and annoying person at the best of times. She was loved by everybody who ever met her, but always felt like an outsider, and that's how we connected. We created our own little world of outsiderness. Happy days.
    Last edited by Gray; 28th Apr 2019 at 19:16.

  23. #73
    Member
    Registered: Feb 2002
    Location: In the flesh.
    I hear you. My wife once said she wanted to be pickled in a jar and placed at the end of our bed. That way she could keep any potential sleepovers from happening. I thought when I got old and ugly that would stop but no. She isn't as bad but she still imagines I'm somehow desirable which is laughable. That's love I reckon.

    Too bad about the pets. Too bad about the mushrooms and dust as well. I was going to suggest hallucinogenic shrooms and angel dust. I still think some pub friends is a good idea. And exploration. You never know what is around the corner when you explore. At any rate, I wish you luck. Just now I have a craving for a pickle.

  24. #74
    Taking the Death Toll
    Registered: Aug 2004
    Location: ideally far away
    The thing that sucks the most about grieving someone is when your relationship with them was so close, but so fraught, that there's so much resentment and anger to get through before you can ever really get to the good parts.

    I loved my mom, but she was a weird, paranoid, fearful woman who did everything in her power (including financial abuse) to keep me trapped here because she was afraid. Living with her was often hell. And now that she's gone... how do I respond? How do I react to the loss of a person I loved so dearly but needed to get away from so badly?

  25. #75
    Member
    Registered: Jun 2010
    Location: A Former Forest
    JG - you forgive your mother for her weakness. Not for her benefit, but for yours. You then promise to never replicate her actions toward anyone via your actions. Break the cycle. It sounds simple and it really is. Not easy to come to terms with, but once you do, it falls all into place and you will find some peace. Remember her and love her and promise yourself not to be like her bad side. Celebrate her positives. It’s OK to be pissed off at her, but don't over do it. Forgive and move on. Again, the forgiveness is your key to your happiness. Just let it go. The best to you. Good fortune and luck.

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