TTLG|Thief|Bioshock|System Shock|Deus Ex|Mobile
Page 5 of 6 FirstFirst 123456 LastLast
Results 101 to 125 of 126

Thread: What to do with grief?

  1. #101
    SShock2.com
    Member

    Registered: Apr 2001
    Location: The land of ever sideways rain
    Well maybe I dismissed you at the time, but it probably sunk in later. I'm a very slow thinker these days. I fully intend to stop taking the zopiclone and melatonin, if possible, I just had a chat about that with my GP doctor yesterday. Maybe this Sleepio app will help, maybe it won't, but I would like to come off the meds. The combination of sleep deprivation AND meds makes my head very fuzzy.

    If there's one thing I've learned over the last 20 years it's that you're usually right, Daxim, whether I like it or not.

  2. #102
    SShock2.com
    Member

    Registered: Apr 2001
    Location: The land of ever sideways rain
    It's been a few weeks now. My head is very fuzzy from sleep deprivation, but the Sleepio app is forcing me to, as is its purpose, to change my behaviour. I'm down from spending 12 hours in bed and maybe sleep 4, to spending 6 hours in bed and sleep 5. Mild progress.

    Last time I was on the forums, I had several strong opinions about thread so-and-so, but I'm now too tired to post lengthy elaborate bits, so I'll just cover all of those threads with this annoying blanket statement: "You are wrong. Why? Because I said so and I have no facts to back that up."

    On the upside, my sleep patterns have changed. On the downside, it still hasn't made any tiny change to the state of my sleep-deprived brain, I'm still thick as pigshit. Maybe the headache and fog will lift if I can get off the meds, but it's too soon to do that just now. I move slowly.

    But, tiny progress is still progress. Bitter sarcastic cynic bastard with a heart of optimism will report back if there's any change.

    [Edit[

    What I have done to kill sleepless time is to dig deeper into Caustic, that music app I've been using. It's been quite useful to tinker with at 5:30 am when I'm not allowed to stay in bed anymore. and I've made loads of new horrible crap on it. I've learned how to import drumloops and export MP3s. I love toying around with the drum machines, but I'm just not talented enough to write a complete song, i always run out of steam about halfways or earlier. But it has reminded me of that guitar I gave away to my niece, perhaps I should buy a cheap guitar over here again and have someone help me make the noise I want to come out of it. I've got my eye on a guitar I might get, and even making a plan to pay some metalhead to teach me the loud angry chords I need to make my crap somewhat less crappy. My wife left me a couple of acoustic guitars, a 6- and a 12-string, but I know my technique is so bad I don't feel comfortable playing something that may be overheard by other people. That's why I had my electric guitar back in the olden days. I don't want to inflict my awfulness upon innocent bystanders.
    Last edited by Gray; 29th Jun 2019 at 19:40.
    Boing. Peng. Boom-Tschak. Peng.

    System Shock 2 Walkthrough

  3. #103
    SShock2.com
    Member

    Registered: Apr 2001
    Location: The land of ever sideways rain
    Ok, back to grief again.

    Next week, it would have been our wedding anniversary. I now have a plan to deal with it. I'll go to the memorial garden where her ashes were scattered, perhaps read a bit from a book she loved, maybe have a sip of her favourite whisky and pour some out for her. I know it's stupid, it's mainly for me to maintain what little is left of my sanity. Maybe I'll bring the flowers she loved. I have no faith, I don't believe her immortal spirit will look down upon me, it's only to try to get my head around the fact that she is indeed gone and will never return, no matter how much I wish this was not true.

    I have a very pragmatic, practical, rational view of the world. I don't believe I'll ever meet her again in some fantasy afterlife, a nice a thought as that would be, I just have to accept the fact that she's gone. Intellectually, I know this. It's just that my emotions haven't quite caught up yet. There is still so much I want to tell her.

    Last week I went to the first bereavement group counselling, over a year after her death. I still find it very difficult to speak about her death without breaking down in tears, so I mainly sat quietly at the back, and did not interact much with the other grievers, maybe a dozen of us. I spoke briefly to a couple of the staff, but even that was a bit too much. I do intend to go back for next time, in a month, and maybe I can open up a bit more.

    Earlier on the same day I went back the the crematorium and spoke to the manager there, about some practical details. I want to have a plaque of her name somewhere. Not just for me, but for all of the family, with all of her names. Birth name, first marriage, my name, all of it, so that her family can find something to connect to. I want to include the family as much as possible, but I doubt anyone will ever truly know her as intimately as I did. For hours and hours, every single day for ten years, we talked about everything and nothing. I will miss that until the day I die. If you've never truly loved, this may all sound like some stupid cliches you only see in movies, but if you've lived it, it's like a part of your body has been ripped out and there is now a gaping hole, bleeding. The pain never goes away.

    I'm sorry if this sounds depressing, but this is the whole point of this entire thread. How to deal with grief. I haven't figured it out yet, but I'm working on it.

    I guess that next week, at our anniversary, I'll probably look at some old photos and reminisce about happier times. There were a lot of happy times. Many good memories. Maybe play some music she loved. Maybe something from our wedding.

  4. #104
    Member
    Registered: May 2004
    It doesn't sound like a cliche. It doesn't sound depressing. It sounds like you love her very much.


  5. #105
    SShock2.com
    Member

    Registered: Apr 2001
    Location: The land of ever sideways rain
    Curiously, I saw that very Keanu clip only hours before you posted it.

    And I did love her. I still love her. Truly, deeply, with every fibre of my being. That's what's making it difficult now, when I have to learn to accept that she's gone.

    Next week will sort of be a test of how well I've learned to deal with it since her passing. I have planned to do this very simple thing, to just visit the memorial garden I've been to 4-5 times since the ceremony, but this will be on a highly emotional day and maybe I'll just crap out of it and sit quietly on the sofa drinking her whisky instead, but I hope I can do better than that.

    Then again, I can't waste myself completely, since the very next day, I have tickets to go see Ministry play live, and believe it or not, Ministry was actually on our wedding playlist. What says romance like angry shouty political sarcasm? We were not your average couple. We had Rammstein(*), Nine Inch Nails, Front Line Assembly, Skinny Puppy, because if there's one thing that really suits a wedding it's some loud Canadian shouting "death! death! death death death!". But we also had soppy romantic stuff like Lamb: Gorecki, Depeche Mode: Home, VNV Nation: Standing, Otis Redding: My Girl, Beach Boys: Wouldn't It Be Nice. And another ten hours of stuff. But I should probably play her favourite noodly banjoes.


    [Edit]

    I sometimes forget I haven't told TTLG the full story, and just assume you, collectively, know stuff that you logically could not know. For our wedding ceremony, we had my new brother-in-law, the very talented local musician Alan, perform Home, and later at the reception do a tear-jerking rendition of Gorecki, we just melted into each other's arms for that. Then, fighting in the Swedish corner, my younger brother, the tall handsome ladies favourite pan-European rock star performed Depeche Mode's Behind The Wheel at my request, which is quite sexually suggestive and perhaps a bad choice as I could see in the faces of some Scots unfamiliar with the song, but at the time I couldn't really give a flying fuck, it was the happiest day of my life, followed by many more happier days.




    (*) The irony was fully intentional. I will not elaborate, I don't want to plant unpleasant sexual imagery into your minds you can't unsee.
    Last edited by Gray; 30th Jun 2019 at 22:11.

  6. #106
    SShock2.com
    Member

    Registered: Apr 2001
    Location: The land of ever sideways rain
    I've finally started going to bereavement group counselling, I haven't been ready until now. Not interacted much yet, been twice, but it does help to some extent to be surrounded by 15-odd people with similar experiences.

    The Sleepio app didn't seem to do as much good as I had hoped, it mainly reiterated stuff I already knew, but then again, I kind of expected that. It did help me focus a bit more on routine and exercise, so it wasn't useless. I'll keep using it for a while longer to try to keep my discipline up, and hopefully get off my meds eventually. It also prompted me to get a Fitbit, which is probably an easier tool to force myself into a routine.

    Things aren't great, but I'm trying my best.


    [Edit]

    At these counselling groups, there's a lot of talk about what grief actually is, and I've come to realise it's really quite difficult to explain it to someone who hasn't experienced it. I just assumed people knew what it was, but I probably didn't either. But it differs from person to person, the circumstances, and who you lost. To a lot of people, it's about losing a parent, the most important person who helped them start their life. For me it's different. I've not yet lost a parent, but I will soon, they're in their 80s now, but I don't think that will affect me as strongly. I love them, and I am grateful for giving me life and doing their best to help me, but I've not really needed them for the last 30 years. In that sense, losing a parent is like losing a link to your past.

    I lost my wife. She was my future. I invested everything I had into us living happily ever after, I even moved to Scotland. She was the most important person in my life. She was everything. Literally, she was my everything, and everything was connected to her. And all of that is gone now.

    I'm not saying my grief is worse than anyone else's, I'm just trying to explain what I lost and what it means to me. I'm guessing losing a child would be even worse. Both my mother and my wife lost their first child, and neither seem to ever have gotten completely over it. My wife requested her ashes to be scattered where her first little boy was.


    [Edit again]

    I'm not doing well. I miss her like crazy. My head is still full of a thousand things to tell her, and a thousand questions to ask her. Pointless, tiny, nonsensical things. She was such a big part of my life. I'm not sure I'll ever fully understand that she's gone. It's a paralysing pain. I'm unable to think clearly. Maybe I have depression now. Maybe this is what the rest of my life will be now. I'm fucked.
    Last edited by Gray; 1st Aug 2019 at 01:25.

  7. #107
    SShock2.com
    Member

    Registered: Apr 2001
    Location: The land of ever sideways rain
    I'm having a really hard time just now. I miss her intensely. Friday was her birthday. It brought up so many memories. I spent it at the crematorium memorial garden. Standing in the wet muddy grass, leaving flowers by the tree she was scattered around. Saying soppy loving words in Swedish. Alone, with not another living soul around for miles. That's no way to have a birthday party. Two years ago, we all met up in Moness, with her sister's family, her aunt from Edinburgh and many of the other people who loved her dearly, maybe a dozen of us. At this point, she'd gone bald from the chemotherapy, and puffed up from the meds. We had cake, but she was too ill to eat it. She had one glass of prosecco, but threw it up almost immediately. I think we all knew it was her last birthday alive, or at least I did, maybe some of the others still believed she'd get better. People had gone above and beyond to decorate the rented cottage with all sort of celebratory banners, sparklers, candles. They really loved her. We all did. Everybody did. She was an amazing person, the most wonderful person I ever met.

    To this day, I still wonder why such a wonderful person picked someone as bland and boring as me to marry. I'm just very grateful that she did.


    I don't expect you to do anything to help me, I just needed to whine for a bit and I'll probably feel better tomorrow. Sorry about this annoying rant, I just needed to vent.


    [Edit]

    Thinking back to her previous birthdays, when she was still well. There's a Greek restaurant around the corner we used to go to, for her birthdays or mine. They have the most excellent lamb kebab, best I've ever had, and I've been to Greece a few times. We'd dress up, her in her little black goth dress, me in my black shirt, black tie with tiny skulls (because I'm sooOOoo heavy metal), vest and suit. We'd sit and just grin at each other across the table, just so happy to be there and see each other. And by god, she looked so amazing! I just wanted to take her there and then, but that would probably be frowned upon by the staff. And the food was so delicious. Sometimes I think of going back, by myself, but of course it won't be the same. Maybe the food will trigger memories I have forgotten,
    Last edited by Gray; 8th Sep 2019 at 14:03.

  8. #108
    Member
    Registered: Feb 2002
    Location: In the flesh.
    Just so you know, you aren't annoying. You are incredibly fucking human. Your memories are bruising and intense. It's no wonder we have nothing to say back. We could say nothing of help anyway. We know that. Pretty useless the lot of us. Although I do think I could do some good if I were there and talking you into doing something really stupid with me. Maybe getting drunk and climbing atop a building to shoot bottle rockets at skinheads or something. Yeah. Maybe not.

  9. #109
    Member
    Registered: Jul 2002
    Location: Edmonton
    I am reading your posts! I just don't think there's anything I can say that would help, so I haven't said anything. But know that people are listening

  10. #110
    New Member
    Registered: Sep 2019
    Try to keeep your busy in your daily routine so that you will be occupied with some other stuff. There is no other option you have to deal with it. Stay strong.

  11. #111
    SShock2.com
    Member

    Registered: Apr 2001
    Location: The land of ever sideways rain
    Well, finally, after months of attempting to find some routine and stability, 11 days ago I eventually went off the zopiclone. I've had a shitty couple of weeks, but I'm starting to see the light of the end of the tunnel or the train that'll hit me in the face. The Sleepio app didn't really work for me as well as it supposedly has for others, but then again I didn't expect a miracle, CBT with an actual therapist didn't work 12-15 years ago. Sleepio did remind me of a few useful things, so it was not a complete waste of time, I got into a better routine now, with sleep and exercise, but my brain is still scrambled. Physically, I'm doing better than I have in years, but intellectually, I'm still thick as a brick. My main hope is that coming off the zopiclone will somehow lessen my brain fog and it will be easier to think and deal with admin, but so far that has not happened. I'm still clouded by an everlasting massive headache, fuzziness and confusion. One reason I wanted to come off the meds was to see if I can manage to start reading again, understand and absorb information, which I've been largely unable for the last 15 years. It's become worse over time, and much more so in the last year in particular. There is so much unnecessary admin connected with being ill, having to prove you're actually ill, which you can't because you're too ill. It's a neverending catch-22. My wife used to be my thinking brain and help me sort out these things, but she's gone now. I've only just recently asked my stepdaughter to help me sort things out, but she's a busy single mother and it's difficult to find a time that works for us both, we had planned for Thursday but I had a spectacularly bad night for no apparent reason (other than probably coming off the meds a week prior) and had to cancel. I still have months of admin, dating back to January that I've been unable to deal with. Grief, illness and solitude is not a good combination.


    Grief, yes. I miss her. Every day, I miss her. I miss talking to her, for hours and hours every single day. For the last two years, I've mainly been shouting at the TV news, or spoken 10 words per week to some random supermarket clerk. Two days ago, I decided to make a small change. I bought a couple of potted plants. Why? For several reasons. 1) I'm struggling to find a routine. I specifically asked the guy in the flower shop for leafy green thingy that only needs watered once a week, so I got two of those. If I can manage to water them once a week, that'll be a routine. 2) Cheap comedy value. I named them Hugin and Munin.(1) 3) My flat is quite small and cramped, and ventilation is awful, I'm hoping some greenery will improve the atmosphere, converting CO2 to O2. 4) I could use someone to talk to. For some reason, I feel slightly less insane swearing at a potted plant when the Brexit news is on than swearing at the TV itself. 5) I used to have about half a dozen potted plants before I moved to Scotland, but I decided to throw them out a few years prior, I had decided I had become too ill to deal with them, I was struggling too much with everything else. 6) This is a slightly dodgy reason. I was struggling for three years to try to keep my wife alive, going through chemotherapy, radiotherapy, double mastectomy, and more chemo. I did the very best I could, but it was clearly not enough. Now I've got something else I can try to keep alive. I'm too allergic for pets, so plants is probably as far as I can go. If I can keep the plants alive for three years, what will I have proven..? Probably nothing. 7) I'm not much for interior decorating, I didn't even bother to ask the guy at the shop what you call these things, but they do make the place seem a bit more alive. I just asked for something green and leafy, no colourful flowery stuff. But looking at them now, they do brighten up the place a bit. I can see them now... over there... silently watching... scheming, plotting...(2) 8) Also good for cheap jokes, like my previous 7 just there. I'm not insane, honestly. Or am I?

    Point being, I'm slowly trying to change my life. It's not easy, but I'm trying. I've come to terms with the fact that I'll probably be alone for the rest of my life now, short as it may be, I'll probably die prematurely anyway from illness related causes in some form or other. It was extremely unlikely that I'd meet the woman who'd later become my wife and that I'd move to Scotland for her. The great big love of my life. It's even more unlikely that I'd meet another woman in some distant future who will see past the grumpiness and illness and see the heart of gold buried deep within, coated with several layers of sarcasm, bitterness, anger and fear. I'll be alone. I'm not fine with that, but I'll have to learn to accept that.



    (1) Ignore the English misspelling of their names, the English patently suck at all foreign languages, so trust my spelling on this. It's my culture, not theirs. FFS, they even spell Oden as "Odin". Wrong!
    (2) Hugin and Munin were the raven spies of Oden, flying across the world and reporting back to him. Very Game of Thrones, except 1400 years before that was written.




    [Edit]

    And also, I finally got around to start reading Daxim's link to melatonin. I've not read more than about a third so far, I don't have the brains to do it all in one go, I'm exhausted now, and I'll read the rest some other time. But in the article, they claím that 0.3 mg is the optimal dose. I'm currently on 2 mg. As I said above, I've only just stopped taking zopiclone, and when I've got a more solid routine, I might consider cutting down my melatonin intake as well, I've got a pill-splitter-thingy so I can quite easily halve and quarter my pills. It might be a good idea to slowly go from 2 to 1.5, to 1.0, to 0.5, over several weeks, but I won't do that until I first get into a stable solid routine, and speak to my GP again. As always, I do things very slowly, so this might not happen until February. Or July. Yeah, I'm slow.
    Last edited by Gray; 13th Oct 2019 at 16:44.

  12. #112
    Member
    Registered: Feb 2002
    Location: In the flesh.
    Two things. Aloe is hard to kill and it takes burn pain away almost instantly and helps in healing. I put out a love seat that caught fire from a faulty plug wire as I was going to sleep on it. Melted plastic on my bare hands. Aloe made a believer out of me. Also there is always the chance of love. Keep your ears open. Keep your eyes open. You just may not really want it yet. Understandable. Okay, three things, routine is good. Exercise routine is good. Goals are good. A hot body is good. You can take me up on my challenge and it may help in many ways.

  13. #113
    SShock2.com
    Member

    Registered: Apr 2001
    Location: The land of ever sideways rain
    You truly are a font of wisdom. When I set fire to my hands, all I got was morphine. That was the most fun I've ever had at a hospital. Also, probably the only opiate I've ever taken.


    This was back in the day when I was drinking whisky and smoking cheap cigars. I was drunk, and tried to refill my Zippo lighter, and accidently switched it on as my hands were covered in lighter fluid. Not my brightest moment. You only make that mistake twice. Then you learn. At least I gave the taxi driver a good chuckle as he was driving me to the hospital, hands submerged in a cooking pot filled with cold water. I asked him if it looked strange to him, and he just grinned and replied "mate, this isn't even the third weirdest thing I've seen tonight."

  14. #114
    Member
    Registered: Feb 2002
    Location: In the flesh.
    Twice? Uh... not to down you but once would be enough for most. Though we used to coat our hands in rubbing alcohol and set them on fire for fun as a teen. It mostly burned off before they got too hot. Lighter fluid I'm sure you know better than anyone does not work that way. Did you ask what were the other two things he had seen that night?

    My sister, who lost her one and only to Huntington's disease, an awful thing worse than normal disease as it takes ones ability to reason and react and turns one dissociative and quarrelsome, reads quite a bit. Since you are less able to concentrate on a full novel perhaps a book of short stories would work better. Not that any one thing which helps one helps another the same. Still, I'm reading Stephen Kings Just After Sunset now and the stories are engrossing and thoughtful. They build slow and reach a point where the action grabs you and you can't put it down for wanting to know the outcome. Not all are true horror either. Just a thought but you might want to walk past a bookstore and pick it up. It would be something which would not let go of your attention.

  15. #115
    SShock2.com
    Member

    Registered: Apr 2001
    Location: The land of ever sideways rain
    The "twice" line was just a joke, I only did it once. I was just trying to exaggerate my obvious foolishness there. It seemed funnier to say twice, going for a cheap laugh and poking fun at the usual "you only make that mistake once" thingy. And no, I didn't ask the driver what the other things were, I was quite busy trying to keep my hands in a cooking pot at the floor of the car, as he swivelled and zigzagged through traffic. I just assumed that if I didn't even make his top 3 that night, it must have been something more dramatic. I was just sitting there, hands in a pot of water, looking silly, nothing dramatic in itself, just a proof that I had very recently been drunk and stupid.

    I still have that pot, I brought it with me to Scotland. I've owned it for 28 years and I made fusili in it yesterday. No hands were boiled in the process.
    Last edited by Gray; 14th Oct 2019 at 20:47.

  16. #116
    Member
    Registered: Feb 2002
    Location: In the flesh.
    Fusili sounds like a fungus. I hope not. I've made some accidentally in the fridge but never on purpose.

    Damn I hope my daughter shows up soon. I'm tired of find the poop game. We just came in from a leash walking nightmare and we only have one rug in the whole house. Why? No reasoning with pugs. They just cock their heads like you should have known when you berate them.

  17. #117
    SShock2.com
    Member

    Registered: Apr 2001
    Location: The land of ever sideways rain
    Fusili is just pasta screws, the least glamorous food you can imagine, but it's quite tasty with bacon.

  18. #118
    Member
    Registered: Feb 2002
    Location: In the flesh.
    Everything is tasty with bacon. I need to reheat some steak cubes with onions and peppers my wife made. After washing my hands a third time. And, damn it, 35 push-ups. Here goes.

    Damn it. I did thirteen and a pug got between me and the floor. Plus I'm more lit from these Captain Morgan spiced rum apple cider with oranges and cloves and cinnamon things than I thought. You may win.
    Last edited by Tocky; 13th Oct 2019 at 22:25.

  19. #119
    Member
    Registered: Nov 2016
    Location: Trollinus Maximus
    Quote Originally Posted by Gray View Post
    It's almost a year now since my wife passed away. No other single person ever had as big an impact on my life. I moved to Scotland for her. I gave up everything.

    Cancer.

    It was a very slow, painful death. I was there, holding her hand as she stopped breathing. But what do I do now? What am I supposed to do with the rest of my life? I came here for HER, and now she's gone. I am lost. I do not know how to deal with grief. She was the closest person I've ever had in my life. I don't know what to do now.

    I'm sure I'm not the first person to be in this position. How do you deal with grief? Almost every day, I break down in tears. I miss her. I know she's gone, but I still can't quite believe it. My head is full of things to tell her, except she's never coming back.

    I'm not a believer, there is no afterlife or spirits or ghosts. How do I deal with this pain and longing?
    sorry for your loss.

  20. #120
    SShock2.com
    Member

    Registered: Apr 2001
    Location: The land of ever sideways rain
    Thank you.

    We may not always agree on political nonsense, but I appreciate your concern.

  21. #121
    El Shagmeister
    Registered: Jul 2000
    Location: Under your fingernails.
    Gray <3

  22. #122
    SShock2.com
    Member

    Registered: Apr 2001
    Location: The land of ever sideways rain
    Quote Originally Posted by Tocky View Post
    Also there is always the chance of love. Keep your ears open. Keep your eyes open.
    Hmm, yes, I logically know you're right, it just seems very unlikely. Memory is a funny thing. Thinking back now, about all the women I've ever met in my life, I can count exactly seven women who I know were attracted to me. Two I never actually spoke to, I only heard it second hand. One I only dated for a week. Two I dated for 3 and 2 years respectively. One I had to say no to, the only woman I've ever turned down, she just came out of a relationship with someone I knew, so it was all just too weird. A shame, she was really hot, but also mildly crazy. One I married. So I'm not exactly spoiled for choice. Sure, I guess there must be other women that at some point or other have found me mildly attractive, briefly, but if so I never knew about it. I'm not exactly handsome model material, I'm just a tall grumpy old fat bastard with a big head, small face, shaved head, stupid beard and crazy eyes. But even more off-putting are my opinions. I'm not someone women flirt with. When I watch the Simpsons, I feel more like Moe Szyslak than Troy McClure.

    Sure, I'd love to meet another woman at some point, but now is not the time. I'm very lonely, but all my thoughts are still about my wife. I've never met anyone even remotely like her. I can't imagine I ever will again. Whisky and loneliness made me install a dating app on my phone, but I uninstalled it the next day, I can't deal with that yet. I'm more the kind of guy that stands quietly at the back of the room, not the charming handsome one what walks up to the ladies and sweet talk them. I can't pretend to be that guy. If I say something intended to be a compliment, I just sound like some creepy weirdo, even if my intentions are the purest, so I don't do that anymore, I don't want to make women feel uncomfortable. If I ever do meet someone, it has to happen organically and naturally, because we have something in common, not because I'm out there hunting for any random woman to get naked with. And since I have almost nothing in common with pretty much everybody, that's very unlikely to ever happen. Also, being ill, and with no job, car, money, looks or charm, I'm not exactly every woman's dream.

    The one I lost my virginity to probably never fancied me, we were just drunk and horny and did it really badly, so she's not on the above list. I remember her hair, and where she lived, but not her name or face. Now, decades later, she's still the only woman I ever met in a bar and went home with. Not for lack of trying, I just can't pick up random women in bars, they're smarter now than this girl and have learned to avoid idiots like me, so I stopped bothering with that some 15-odd years ago. When I go out drinking now, sure, I somewhat hope I'll meet someone, but I never do, and I do not pester the women in there. I know what I am, and what I'm not, and I'm not making the first move anymore. And nobody ever makes a move on me, so every night always ends the same. Alone, sobering up watching bad late night TV. In fact, no woman has ever tried to pick me up in a bar. That should be a clue. It's never gonna happen that way. And if an attractive woman was to walk up to me in a bar and started talking to me, I'd just assume it was some form of scam to steal money I don't have, or that she was a prostitute looking for a trick. I'd never believe anyone would be genuinely interested in me, so if someone actually was, I'd probably ruin it by not believing it. See? Bitter old grumpy cynic, me.
    Last edited by Gray; 16th Oct 2019 at 01:46.

  23. #123
    Member
    Registered: Feb 2003
    I can't say much about the specifics. I do know grief, but it's a different kind. In general, neither of the two extremes of dwelling on it and ignoring it is good in the long run. A mix of both is usually best. You seem to be doing that already, but, to iterate, keep busy, feel, talk, vent, cry, but also allow yourself to enjoy things. I won't say it will get better, although, statistically speaking, in time it will. How long it will take is uncertain. What is certain is that nothing will ever be as before, but that doesn't mean it has to be bad, only different.

    I would say it is "better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all". Imagine not ever having loved anyone or anything. Imagine no one ever having loved anyone or anything. That is the alternative. A pretty bleak world if you asked me, because without love, what are we, really?

  24. #124
    SShock2.com
    Member

    Registered: Apr 2001
    Location: The land of ever sideways rain
    Well, supposedly, time heals all wounds, no? But as a science nerd, I'd compare love, longing, loss and grief to a graph of exponential decay; it may decrease slowly over time asymptotically, but never actually reach zero. Unknown variable "t" for time, could take decades.

  25. #125
    Member
    Registered: Feb 2003
    Yeah, it will most likely never completely go away. I don't think that is necessarily the goal either. You learn to live with it, you incorporate it in your repertoire.

    Some days will be harder than others, while on some you might not even notice. Years later, when you thought you had moved on, a smell or a sound or even something seemingly unrelated might take you back. Sometimes when you least expect it. Some days you get reminded and start crying uncontrollably, while on other days you think about the same thing and just cherish the memory. It's unpredictable. Might be that the days of crying over time will be fewer than the days of cherishing, learning to cherish the memories more than you grieve the loss, but who am I to say!? It's an individual thing. It is also quite possible that it will never get better, but, personally, I tend to think that either our memories of the past or the once full import of it (or them) fades over time, leaving room for new memories and new things of import. That's what I want to think.

Page 5 of 6 FirstFirst 123456 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •