Oddly enough, this is what I want

[SubvertizingOrg]

I want to suffer

but much more than that

I want all of my suffering to be my own fault

I want to be isolated

And I want to have isolated myself, to the greatest extent possible

I want to be alienated

And I want to push my own alienation to the greatest extreme possible

I don't want to be understood by any other human in this world; I've always known I can't be

I've always know that I'm the ultimate human anomaly

And if I ever wasn't, it was always my will to become it

I don't want to talk, ever

I hate human language to the core. It doesn't create understanding, it rapes understanding

I don't want comfort, ever

Comfort is mind-numbing. Knowledge is uncomfortable

And I want to know. I want to know everything, about myself, and this world

I'm a total whore for knowledge

And I already know that knowledge is no end, has no end

But is only a constant, endless, eternal state of discomfort and suffering

I want to exist in that knowledge for eternity

I want to be engulfed in that discomfort for eternity

I want to be engulfed in that fire for eternity


I don't want to understand, I only want to love

I don't want to be understood, I only want to be loved

I want to know myself; I don't want to know God

I want to understand myself; I don't want to understand God

I want to take full responsibility for this world, and relieve all others of their guilt

I want to take their guilt as my own, to feel their guilt as my own

And I want everyone else to be forgiven and loved

As I burn for eternity, knowing that I am also loved

[SubvertizingOrg]

To say I've had it rough these past couple months is the greatest understatement in the world. Will anyone ever know what an absolute hellish mindfuck my life has been lately? I highly doubt it and I find everlasting peace in that thought.

What people have done to me is equally mirrored in what I've done to them.

No one on this forum has a clue what I'm talking about. Shrug. I find myself without any reasonable outlet for my thoughts these days.

Because everywhere I go, people are always constantly up in my business, literally spying on me. I don't know why, and I don't know how. It must be one massive operation. All I know is that I have no peace and no privacy whatsoever in my life. I can't think clearly, ever. There's never a moment that I can just sit don't and put my agonizing thoughts into words cohrerently. I've tried what I can to make the spying end, but it just won't. I'm going to live with this forever.

I feel kinda sick today, TTLG.

Edit: don't anyone dare call me delusional. I'll just feel more sick.

[SubvertizingOrg]

And please, no one suggest that I "get help". Help from where? From who? There is no one who can help me. The only people who can actually verify what has been going on with all the constantly up-in-my-ass spying on me are people who would never admit to it, who never talk to me, and will always pretend they don't know what I'm talking about if asked.

[Qooper]

Would you care if you had a friend? One who didn't try to help by instructing you, but one who simply was with you and listened to you?

Some years ago I had a friend like that. We'd just hang out and play games like Quake and Doom. We'd be in the same room, not necessarily saying anything or having an active conversation, just hanging out and every now and then share a random thought. It was cozy in a way. Peaceful.

I wish this peace for you, Mark.

[SubvertizingOrg]

You know Qooper, a friend would be wonderful right now. One who…actually relates to me on some marginal level, who has some semblance of overlapping interests with me, kinda likes some of the things I like and/or at least is marginally familiar with some of them, etc.

…but more importantly than that is actually interested in/not afraid of direct open communication, kinda like what happened between humans before electronics and information technology enslaved our minds. And someone who just…doesn't judge, or get upset at trivial things, or is so sensitive to dark music that they get super uncomfortable and start complaining when they hear it, etc etc.

I mean I had a friend like that—still a friend but he lives thousands of miles away now and we haven't seen each other in the flesh in 5 years.

And much like your story, we rarely talked to each other. We lived with each other for some time but we minded each other's business, in the same room all day, whatever. And we'd share music with each other, show each other the games we were playing, sometimes I'd learn how to play his game or he'd learn how to play mine and we'd get interested, have the occasional competition, etc. We'd pass random philosophical thoughts across each other whenever we felt it, expressed what we needed to express, made each other think from time to time. And every once and a while he'd turn me on to a strategic board game that involved a lot of thought. He'd challenge me. And such. Yet most of the time we'd keep to ourselves, living in the same room. It was very peaceful indeed.

Thank you for your message Qooper, it means the world to me. It takes someone real not to just ignore a thread like this, actually read and reply kindly without needing some further context which I couldn't provide if given a week to if I wanted to.

But yeah a friend would more than help right now, someone who isn't me (cause I'm more than sick of myself, and I'm more than sick of masturbating to videos of me masturbating to distract myself from the fact that there are no interesting--ahem excuse me no reasonable, kind, accepting and humane people in my life right now.

(—excluding my family, but family is different. They can't be that friend, perhaps because they love me too much.)

Why do you ask? You couldn't be that friend, could you? You seem a solid candidate based on the few but powerful words you've said. But we're all busy with our own lives last time I checked.

I don't know who you are Qooper but please keep looking out for me as such yes? <3

[SubvertizingOrg]

but one who simply was with you and listened to you?

But in other words this.

[heywood]

Some people are good at keeping friends when they are far away in time or distance. I am not. And it's hard to avoid depression if you don't have somebody who you can hang out with. But you already knew that.

When I've moved and felt lonely, I've joined a local group or taken up an activity to do with others. It doesn't have to be something you're passionate about, just something that you could be interested in sharing with others.

Volunteer work is also a great way to keep your sanity and meet people. Got a local soup kitchen or food pantry? If you have skills, there's Habitat for Humanity.

[Tocky]

I think the main reason people don't respond to threads like these is because they wish to do no harm. It's like the physician's oath. As for me, I feel that my way of dealing with things is to turn away from looking inwards and focus outwards on making others happy. That does not sound like your approach to things and may not be what is best for you. I don't know. I'm afraid to suggest things because I may suggest the wrong ones.

I do wish that you didn't feel the need to beat yourself up so much. Life is hard for all of us in different ways and we are all on the same boat. I've tried to suggest travel because it helps me to get out of steerage and onto the deck. There is so much around you within half a days travel. There is Mt. Magazine, Mt. Nebo, Petite Jean, Mt. pinnacle, Whitaker point, lots of beautiful nature it does the soul good to see.

All I can really do is wish you the best. I'm afraid I'm the instructing you type, the fix it type. The type you don't need. Just know that I wish you well though I don't know what to do to help.

[SubvertizingOrg]

I think the main reason people don't respond to threads like these is because they wish to do no harm. It's like the physician's oath. As for me, I feel that my way of dealing with things is to turn away from looking inwards and focus outwards on making others happy. That does not sound like your approach to things and may not be what is best for you. I don't know. I'm afraid to suggest things because I may suggest the wrong ones.

I do wish that you didn't feel the need to beat yourself up so much. Life is hard for all of us in different ways and we are all on the same boat. I've tried to suggest travel because it helps me to get out of steerage and onto the deck. There is so much around you within half a days travel. There is Mt. Magazine, Mt. Nebo, Petite Jean, Mt. pinnacle, Whitaker point, lots of beautiful nature it does the soul good to see.

All I can really do is wish you the best. I'm afraid I'm the instructing you type, the fix it type. The type you don't need. Just know that I wish you well though I don't know what to do to help.

I'm just grateful that you took the time to reply. Traveling is something I did a lot of and them some in my early twenties, when I had the freedom to do so, rest assured. That was when I had a car, and a dad that paid for all my gas money. I had plenty of adventures. If I recall correctly, it was right after I lost the means and time for that travel ~2013 that I created my first account here as DoTheGeek. And then there was 2014…the beginning of working life for me, having no SKILLZ or MERITZ that are valued in this *ahem sorry but* dumbass consumerist society that I found myself having to navigate in for survival. And so began my first long streak of depression as a person who'd have worsening bipolar disorder from then on.

But believe me when I say I've done my share of traveling and adventures, and had perhaps more than my share of enjoyment in it, usually with my two best friends Olivia and Brendan who remain best friends to this day, despite not having talked to them in years.

[SubvertizingOrg]

Volunteer work is also a great way to keep your sanity and meet people. Got a local soup kitchen or food pantry? If you have skills, there's Habitat for Humanity.

Yes my dad says the same thing. And I'm totally on board, after I have something resembling a sustainable income. Which is why I've just bought my first bulk order of 5 used (sold AS-IS) lenovo laptops from ebay with intent to refurbish them and resell them for hopefully some kind of profit. Thinkpads are good cheap laptops for college students these days, so if I can get them in decent working order, I think I can draw in some cash that way

…without, ye know, washing dishes five days a week for a tourist town full of people who NOT KIDDING have actually been SPYING ON ME WITHOUT MY KNOWLEDGE OR CONSENT FOR LIKE THE ENTIRE YEAR, as I've come to find out.

Yea, I did have to leave that job I really did. Wish me luck tho

[SubvertizingOrg]

Humans tho.

[SubvertizingOrg]

I think the main reason people don't respond to threads like these is because they wish to do no harm. It's like the physician's oath.

…Then they don't respond because they have no confidence that their words won't hurt me? My god, what is there to worry about? Do I seem like a super-sensitive comfort-zoney type of person to you? No words are going to upset me. If I find them disagreeable, I'll open a dialog to try to find where the misunderstanding is, and if I can't find it that's all good as well. I'm not harmed by words. I'm not harmed by anything I see, or anything I happen to discover ffs. The only thing I'm harmed by in this world is physical material assault on my living body. I know this world will always be beyond my precise interpretation and I'm really not afraid of that at all. I embrace what I don't know.

[Tocky]

I have little to no experience with bipolar disorder. I'm sure most folks don't know what to say. I just know the things that get me out of depression. One of those things is talking to friends. You say you haven't talked to your friends in years. Have you tried locating and calling them?

Also, all jobs are work. Next to nobody wants to flog themselves out of bed in the morning to go to them. We do it for the things we really do live for though. There is simply no free ride unless you are born rich. Not sure how people are spying on you. Cameras? Those are lots of places. I just ignore them. They aren't worth thinking about. What are they going to find out? That I mess around on here between calls? When there is something that needs doing I do it. They know that. That I feed the dog that comes by for a visit? Meh. I got nothing to hide. I don't care if there are secret cameras. Just be you and expect they accept you or not. I wouldn't worry about it.

[SubvertizingOrg]

[EDIT: I was apparently really drunk when I wrote this post. Deleted because it was incoherent (and incomplete).]

[heywood]

If it's just cameras in the workplace then I wouldn't be fussed about it. Nobody has time to sit there and FF through all the security camera footage from the last day looking to find something. The security cameras are there to protect the business owner from getting sued if something happens. Besides, if you're working in a kitchen, everybody knows whether you're pulling your weight or not. Being a dishwasher ain't the best full time gig. I get that.

It can be hard to respond to people who present as needy if you don't know them personally. My mother and brother were bipolar, and when they were down, they were itching for a fight. And to be honest with you, there's probably a lot of people here who think you might be trolling or posting under the influence because a high percentage of threads you create are a bit over the top.

[Sulphur]

Okay.

So the only thing that I know from experience that helps anyone in the cycles of depression and mania and everything else that goes on with bipolar disorder is this: listening without judgement, and when they're a little settled, helping them to reframe negative thoughts into something less harmful.

This forum isn't the best place to get that, though by all means if you can find peace from people here, do so. The internet will not refrain from judging you, DtG, and as long as you're able to accept that not all people here will be kind to you - when you're not spinning out, and, but also especially, if you are - then I hope you find a stable equilibrium. We've shat on you in the past, because it's easy to do so, and because you wanted it, which is the exact sort of codependency the internet is perfect at enabling. With enough time it's become clear that you have your not-insubstantial demons to deal with; everyone does, but that doesn't make yours any less than theirs. I appreciate that you're trying to deal with your issues the best way you know how, and while we're not all bastions of patience (I have very little, for instance), we're not complete shitheels either. I'm crossing my fingers that better days find you.

[Qooper]

Why do you ask? You couldn't be that friend, could you?

I'll be your friend. I live in Finland, so meeting in RL is difficult, but I read these forums frequently. Some weeks I'm offline due to working longer hours, but in general I'm here.

I was wondering, do you do mapping for any games? I used to make maps for Doom 1 and 2, and also Half-Life 1. It was a lot of fun.

I don't know who you are Qooper but please keep looking out for me as such yes? <3

My name is Miika. I got your back my friend

[SubvertizingOrg]

Tocky: I woke up to find I had attempted to respond to your last post yesterday while very drunk, and I have no idea what I was trying to say (nothing that makes sense) but it's deleted now so please kindly ignore. (I should note, I get drunk because often I literally can't fall asleep otherwise, and my body needs sleep ye know.)

Anyway I'll pick up on this thread as I can find the mental clarity to do so.

[Tocky]

No problem. I'm hardly one to fault anyone on getting drunk for any reason. You were just blowing off steam. I understand. It must be frustrating. We are cool.

[SubvertizingOrg]

Oh yeah, this thread. Happy Saturday TTLG. Let's see where I can pick this up.

Not sure how people are spying on you. Cameras? Those are lots of places. I just ignore them. They aren't worth thinking about. What are they going to find out? That I mess around on here between calls? When there is something that needs doing I do it. They know that. That I feed the dog that comes by for a visit? Meh. I got nothing to hide. I don't care if there are secret cameras. Just be you and expect they accept you or not. I wouldn't worry about it.

So…the spying on me thing is a story I don't wish to write out in an essay right now, or ever, nor feel the need to anymore because luckily I seem to have put a hard halt on the shitty behavior in the last day or so (had to employ some pretty drastic measures to do so—no interest in going into detail). And honestly I don't even feel like talking too much about all the spying shit right now as it seems like it's finally a thing of the past. I just don't understand the behavior as I have witnessed and put up with it in the past two months. It wasn't cameras around and my own paranoia etc. People were literally reading everything I typed on my laptop and watching everything I did in my own home—neighbors at my current apartment, neighbors at my last apartment, neighbors at the one before that…and it all came back to my workplace, too. An ex-coworker very formally admitted to spying on me as such. I have no interest in going into the story that led to this behavior, all I know is this:

Electronics, telecommunication, information technology, social media— have WARPED peoples' minds —globally, but very particularly in this awful country that I happen to live in. This country, this fatal culture, this doomed society, these people have no idea what rational, reasonable human communication is anymore.

OKAY I'VE TALKED TOO MUCH ABOUT THE SPYING SHALL I MOVE ON

[SubvertizingOrg]

I'll be your friend. I live in Finland, so meeting in RL is difficult, but I read these forums frequently. Some weeks I'm offline due to working longer hours, but in general I'm here.

You live in Finland…I will have to send you a pm concerning how you might be able to help me out as a friend living in a country that could be to my benefit for the purpose of…I'll just send you a pm and explain Miika

I was wondering, do you do mapping for any games? I used to make maps for Doom 1 and 2, and also Half-Life 1. It was a lot of fun.

I absolutely did some mapping for Half-Life back in the day!! I don't have any of it anymore but back in my early twenties I would get passionate as fuck over a map I was making for Sven Co-op or some such. I even messed with the DOS editor Devil to make Descent levels on the occasion. Those were some of the most fun times of my life for sure. Living in my Jeep in Denver…

[Qooper]

You live in Finland…I will have to send you a pm concerning how you might be able to help me out as a friend living in a country that could be to my benefit for the purpose of…I'll just send you a pm and explain Miika

Fire away. Although I can't promise anything, except that I'll consider it.

I absolutely did some mapping for Half-Life back in the day!! I don't have any of it anymore but back in my early twenties I would get passionate as fuck over a map I was making for Sven Co-op or some such. I even messed with the DOS editor Devil to make Descent levels on the occasion. Those were some of the most fun times of my life for sure. Living in my Jeep in Denver…

I think it's time to do a map challenge. We choose a game and a theme, and then we both make a map. How does that sound?

[SubvertizingOrg]

-

[Mr.Duck]

Quack.

[SubvertizingOrg]

Quack.

<3