Hi fellow Taffers!
A couple of weeks ago, I discovered that one of my favourite Thief related channels, FenPhoenix has "officially retired", as the title screen says on the page.
I tried to make a quick research to learn a bit more about this, whether there was any announcement or explanation, or just simply changing the cover picture, but I was not lucky in my search.
Does anyone know more about this?
Thanks
He first announced his impeding retirement from making let’s plays 5 months ago in his community page https://www.youtube.com/@FenPhoenix/community
He’s tired of playing missions just to entertain others, it sad to read some of his reasons for his retirement from YouTube but he’s entertained many people for such a long time, so thank you Fen for your incredible contribution to this community, but it’s not a complete farewell as he’ll still be developing Angelloader.
Last edited by fortuni; 11th Nov 2024 at 16:59.
I'm sorry to hear this. It was funny looking at his let's play walkthroughs.
Thank you, fortuni! I didn't see that! Very interesting post and thoughts by Fen.Originally Posted by fortuni
It's so weird to read that he feels as an adult in a kid-sized box, however, I see the will to move on.
For me, it just remains very relaxing to tune in for a good old Fen let's play, Full screen, dark room, headphones, couple of beers. I will keep this habit for every now and then.
Last edited by ticky; 11th Nov 2024 at 18:06. Reason: thanking fellow member
I perhaps should have made a video announcement, but I thought maybe the post would show up on peoples' feeds and be discoverable enough maybe. I myself bookmark straight to the youtube subscriptions page and don't see the home page at all, so I don't see community posts there, but maybe they show up on the home page, or not, I dunno.
Anyway, yeah. It's a long and complicated thing. I think the very premise of my channel - Thief played in the style of old-school raocow - probably never made much sense in the first place. There was always this awkward tension between the stream-of-consciousness standup comedy act and the playing of the game. People have often thanked me for the "walkthrough" to help them finish a mission. I would think my videos make pretty poor walkthroughs what with me jumpcutting all over, but who knows.
When I started taking regular hiatuses, the reason I would come back was always because I'd gone stir crazy and wanted to say something to someone. After a few videos it would start to become forced again (I'd run dry on my well of things to say I'd built up) and I'd drop off again, or people would start to point out my videos were "rushed" or whatnot, which was accurate enough really.
I started let's playing in 2011. At that time I was living in my mom's basement after previously spending a year living "on my own" (in a house with several other roommates). Let's playing was something I was excited to try back then. My idol was raocow, who'd been playing Super Mario World romhacks with a nonstop stream-of-consciousness commentary style and lots of quick cuts. I loved that commentary style, so I ripped it right off for my own videos. I really enjoyed doing it up till around late 2012/early 2013. Early-mid 2013 was a pretty bad time for me. Several things happened both physical and emotional and I've never really recovered from it.
As to the adult in a kid-sized box thing. As some of you know, I have Aspergers (or whatever they call it now), diagnosed at age 15, which apparently is pretty late. Before then, I had no clue, so I would just go around saying weird awkward things with no self-doubt whatsoever. When I was first diagnosed, I focused a lot on it, but after a while I realized that ignoring it and pretending it wasn't there made things go more smoothly. For many, many years that's what I did: Ignore it and pretend I was neurotypical. Not because of shame, but because I didn't want it affecting me. During my teen years I also developed severe anxiety which at first I simply attributed to being a teenager (this must just be that teen akwardness I've heard about, right?) but it never went away. These two things caused me to feel like a "stupid incapable kid". I couldn't answer the phone like an adult, because I dreaded having to talk on the phone. I couldn't get a job like an adult. Vocal and facial tics don't exactly make you feel respectable either. The only job I ever had, my mom hooked up for me. And then sitting in my mom's basement at age 25 and doing crappy youtube videos for free... and always just moving wherever my mom moved and staying in the basement of whatever house she had, and doing stupid-ass videos instead of being a capable adult. And then just continuing to do the exact same thing for 13 more years... blabbing like a goofy idiot over poorly edited jumpcuts is kids stuff. It's what you do when you're in your mom's basement with no job, and you're young enough to think your life is infinite and be okay with wasting it.
I've been depressed for a long time now. The events of early 2013, particularly on my physical health, put my dreams perpetually out of reach. I do know what I want to do with my life, but it ain't let's playing (or programming either), and I also know I'm not able to do it and have lost all hope of being able to do it. You ever have something you just burningly need to do, and if you don't, you'll go crazy? And the calculus of it doesn't matter? Well, it's like that. My state has been very bleak in recent years, and I basically get by on distractions. Programming is one of them, kinda, but I also find it enjoyable in a low-key way. If a fairy waved a magic wand and healed my body and I could use my voice musically (or practically at all, these days) again, I would probably still program in the evenings or whatnot to unwind. That's why I'm okay with continuing AngelLoader development.
But in any case, I'm running on distractions and often enough I go to sleep thinking to myself "could I please not wake up this time?"
Most online personalities are fake af, so there's my dose of realness, for whatever it's worth. I dunno what's going to happen with me, but I do know I can't keep doing let's plays. I have to find some way to move forward, even though I can't see it.
Last edited by FenPhoenix; 11th Nov 2024 at 21:16.
This is very sad, but understandable. I hope you achieve whatever you wish to achieve. You have a wonderful voice. Everytime it pops out in an FM, I'm full of joy. Hope to hear you again someday!
I feel for you man. Life is not a dance on roses for everyone. My whole life has been lively. My life also took
a wrong turn to the worse in 2013, my psychological health started to going downhill.
I had a wife with ADD and Borderline, that was not easy five years.
Now i'm going to do a neuropsychiatric assessment, i'm pretty sure that i have ADHD, BIG TIME.
I really hope that i can get help with it. I'm so happy that i have a partner that support and understand me.
I'm so glad that i have her.
I wish you good luck with everything Fen.
yeah i know this feeling well. and hey, my on-again off-again thing with dromed is coming from grappling with similar stuff in my life.
i really enjoyed your lets plays, but i respect that you want to move on. so thank you for that enjoyment! i really hope you can find a way to do whatever the next thing turns out to be.
You are an amazing person Fen and I enjoyed your videos and our convos. (This is The Count). You have a lot of people who care about you in this community and want to see you succeed in whatever you do. You can msg me anytime if you want to talk. I hope you start to heal and find a purpose again brother.
Sad to hear about this. I've been watching your videos since 2016. Not only you played some missions no one had played before but i also enjoyed your commentaries. I hope everything goes well with you and good luck with your life.
Hey Fen,
I'm probably one of your biggest fans.. er
'Fens'. Me too, I haven't always been nice, or understood, or liked. I'm glad I came back to visit this community after a long, long break, but it also feels foreign when you come back from a vacation.
I'm glad to hear you're being true to yourself and going directions, whichever direction. Confusing and scary, but you are not so different. I have social skills which has helped me in business, but I will be the first to tell you most people I work with are fake assholes. And look at some of the people here.. zero social skills with questionable talent, and yet some are congratulated.
Nobody is paraperfect.. or parabrainiac or whatever you said lol. Look at my country for instance, most of these fools actually voted for Trump. Don't wish to be normal is what I'm saying. Most people pretend to be normal and are enormously unhappy. A lot of them, usually the uncreative ones, hide behind cynicsim. Truth is we're all on the spectrum, if we're being honest. Let's just be real. We are you, Fen, which is why we like you.
Long winded, I know, but just sayin.. let your creative voice go where it wants.
Hope all the best to you and try to find your way, whatever it is! I think nobody is really 'normal', everyone has some habits that might seem odd or crazy to some other person. So, all the strength to thee!
Anyone who claims to be normal is definitely hiding some skeletons.
Sorry to hear you are having such a hard time Fen; as others have said, you're a welcome and valuable member of this community, and I for one have enjoyed a huge number of your videos. I wouldn't claim to be able to relate to your situation per se, but I know what it's like to feel directionless and depressed. Only way I get through those times is to remind myself I'm just an ordinary person who has good days and bad days, and try to focus on the little happinesses. I sincerely hope you are able to find meaning and happiness again. Take care of yourself.
I am picky when it comes to Let's plays and honestly I found your style/humor annoying. When I had more free time I wanted to try doing let's plays myself but I quickly realized that I can't do it because I'm introverted and I have nothing to say and have no desire to act, so you are more normal than me and many other people in at least one regard
Always imagined Jeff Goldblum when I watched your videos for some reason. Life sucks, you gotta do what makes you happy. Good Luck and thanks.
Fen you are a very important member of this community. I use angeloader and love your lets plays. We all have our issues and I wish you the best. I hope and pray all goes well for you.
Good thing ticky started this thread, as I from time to time wonder about fen's wellbeing.
I am also a frequent visitor of your channel (even now as I write). In fact, when I am not playing fms, I watch your videos. Even for hints 😏
I personally can't watch silent let's plays....
Your way of subconscious dealing (or anyway, trying to deal) with personal matters through your channel all these years, is admirable and honest. I really hope that it also helped you, to some extent at least. But, I do know that you have helped me through difficult days, viruses lock downs, offering me fanny or serious moments, playing for me the missions that I was occasionally unable to play myself.
Have in mind that you are much more than your voice. Must be painful to think that you may be loosing the thing that made you feel proud and that opens doors of opportunities, still, the most interesting missions are not the linear ones. Through your channel I have witnessed a thinking person's constant evolution and betterment and I sincerely wish that you find plenty of strength and new opportunities to keep going.
And, really, thanks for all the babbling!!!
A retirement has always been a bitter-sweet event, and Fen, you have impacted the community in a grand way! You will be missed by many, I'm sure! Thank you for your great contribution in the way you entertained us for many glorious years. And you were an amazing contributor in our Titanium events back in 2021, your TY videos will always be a great source of joy for all who love the game and your unique style in delivering it. You've created AngelLoader and many will be using it for decades to come! I know sometimes, life throws challenges our way and we can only do what our inner consciousness tells us, and you do well to take care of yourself, you have our full support, I for one, will always be grateful to have known you in our interactions on my LIVE streams.
Ooohh...I am gutted...but understand...you were always my go-to for finding out how to proceed in a fan mission and I will miss you very much....you always made it fun and I always wanted to meet you one day.I hope you find the peace you deserve and many thanks for all the uploads you did and spent a lot of time on for others....Much fondness to you x
Heather
Hi Fen. Sorry to hear about your struggles. I hope you find a way to get support and to manage the situation so that you get to a better state.
Dear Fen,
Just like many others who have, still do and still will enjoy your videos, also wanted to offer support. In RL, I am a very experienced physician and if you need any help free of charge or someone to listen in a nonjudgmental way and offer some support let me know and reach out to me.
Of course you don't have to worry about us to do what's best for you, Fen.
The thing is that you have over 2000 videos on your channel, and for those of us that like your let's plays, that's more than anyone could ever want to watch for a lifetime as it is. You've built a great body of work that has brought a lot of people joy that you can feel good about. But by all means you gotta follow your instincts and inspiration. And it's nice to see that you'll keep up with Angelloader work, which is also a great service for us. Good luck with everything and cheers!
Hey Fen, you've provided many years of entertainment! Lots of random fun. Appreciate all your time and energy on Thief, including AngelLoader, vocal contributions to FMs, and speed runs that include the Titanium events mentioned by RickMcKnight above.
I remember you saying before you like cars and know a bit about them. If you ever do a Fen's Car Talk or similar, maybe let us all knowBut, of course, only do it for 'you' and if it would make you happy and is not stressful; not for us. I only mention it because I thought I maybe saw a spark in you when it was brought up before.
No matter where your journeys take you, I wish you much happiness and success!
(had to re-post this because I tried to edit it my earlier message and the forum deleted it instead for some reason)
Dear Fen, I really enjoyed your videos, they always put a smile on my face, and more to this, they helped immensely with the fm's.
You did a great job helping taffers all over the world.
What I can say is live your life the best you can, and how you like it. Hope it will come a day when you'll wake up and see all the magic in life.
Send you my best wishes, and hope evrything will fall into place.
Big hugs from Italy
Fen your videos helped through some bad times! And your personality is a great inspiration! You are a highlight for all of us quirky strange people <3 You gave me motivation! I respect your decision and hope you can achieve your dreams <3
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