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Thread: Kleptomaniac -- Chapter Six

  1. #1
    Registered: Jun 2000
    Location: SC, USA

    Kleptomaniac -- Chapter Six

    Chapter Six -- The Really Weird Section Of Town

    "Something's happened to him. He's not the same person since he got the sword."
    "It doesn't matter. We still don't trust him. He should be eliminated."
    "Maybe it's you who should be eliminated. Just like the mold in the bathroom."
    "Oh yeah? You couldn't clean a self-cleaning oven!"
    "Ha! That shows how much you know! Self-cleaning ovens haven't been invented yet!"
    "They will be! Just you wait until the Metal Age gets here! A lot of things will be different then!"
    "Yeah, yeah, whatever. That's just what you guys said about the Chocolate Age."

    - Excerpt from "An Account of the War Among the Keepers"

    "You never cease to amaze me," said Dugal the next day as Garrotte stood before him - holding up the magic sword.

    "Yeah, well, what can I say?" replied Garrotte. "I'm good."

    "Or maybe just incredibly lucky," said Dugal. "So, what does it do?"

    "As far as I can tell, it reverses some aspect of the person who touches it," replied Garrotte.

    "Reverses some aspect?" repeated Dugal.

    "Yeah," said Garrotte. "Like last night. Cogsdale was raving drunk, but when he touched the sword he sobered up in a hurry."

    Dugal regarded Garrotte carefully, then asked, "So, what has it done to you?"

    Garrotte flashed a satisfied smile, but said nothing.

    "Oh my head," muttered Cogsdale as he shuffled into the main room. He looked around - saw daylight streaming through the windows - and asked, "How long did I sleep?"

    "It's almost lunch time," answered Garrotte.

    Cogsdale staggered over to the table, sat down heavily, and said, "I hate hangovers."

    "Don't we all," said Dugal.

    "Maybe I could touch that sword of yours and make my headache go away," said Cogsdale.

    "Hey!" exclaimed Dugal. "That gives me an idea! Let me touch the sword."

    Garrotte held out the sword, and Dugal touched it. He felt a surge of energy pass through him. He got to his feet and discovered that his leg was no longer injured.

    "It works!" exclaimed Dugal as he took a couple of steps. "I'm healed!"

    Then Dugal took his hand away from the sword, and suddenly his leg surged with pain. He fell over in agony.

    "Oww, man, what happened?!" Dugal exclaimed as he clutched his leg and winced in pain.

    "It only reverses your condition as long as you stay in contact with it," said Garrotte. "When you let go, your leg went back to the way it was."

    "Well that's just great!" Dugal said sarcastically.

    Garrotte reached down with the sword to help Dugal off the floor. Dugal touched the sword and immediately his pain and injury went away. He got to his feet, but continued holding on to the sword.

    "Say, Garrotte, would you mind if I borrowed this sword for a while?" asked Dugal.

    "No way," replied Garrotte. "I need this sword."

    "Well, I do too," said Dugal. "I'm tired of hobbling around your apartment with an injured leg. A thief has to make a living, you know. Oh, wait, I forgot who I was talking to."

    "Very funny," said Garrotte as he took a sack from his cloak and proceeded to pour its contents on the table. "How's this for a living?"

    The sack had contained all kinds of jewelry, gold coins, gems, and valuable trinkets.

    "Woah," said Cogsdale. "Am I hallucinating?"

    "Where did you get all that?" asked Dugal in amazement.

    "I stole it," said Garrotte nonchalantly. "This morning. Before breakfast."

    "You stole it?" prompted Dugal.

    "Don't be so surprised," said Garrotte. "I'm a thief, after all."

    Dugal eyed his friend warily and said, "Garrotte, I know you. You don't steal loot. In fact, you don't steal much of anything."

    "Yeah, well, people change," replied Garrotte.

    "It's that sword, isn't it?" asked Dugal. "It's made you into a real master thief."

    "Let's just say I need the sword for … professional reasons," answered Garrotte.

    Cogsdale rose from the table and ambled over to the two men. He put his hand on the sword and let out a big sigh of relief: "Ah, that's much better."

    The three of them stood there holding on to the sword.

    "Well this is ridiculous," said Garrotte. "We all three can't go around hanging on to this sword."

    "Why not?" asked Dugal.

    "Yeah, why not?" agreed Cogsdale.

    "Alright, that does it!" proclaimed Garrotte as he pushed the two away. Cogsdale stumbled backwards and resumed his headache, while Dugal fell to the floor again in pain. Garrotte sheathed his sword, but kept his hand on the hilt.

    "You two are pathetic," he said. "Dugal, your leg isn't ever going to heal if you keep holding on to this sword. And Cogsdale …"

    "What?" asked Cogsdale - holding his aching head in his hands.

    "That's what you get for getting drunk last night when you were supposed to be my bodyguard," said Garrotte.

    Garrotte stood there a moment watching as the two men groaned in pain, then shook his head and started for the door.

    "Where are you going?" asked Dugal.

    "Out to lunch," said Garrotte. "I'll bring you two back something."

    Last edited by LoneCoyote; 26th Feb 2002 at 02:25.

  2. #2
    Registered: Oct 2001
    Location: UK

  3. #3
    Registered: Jul 2001
    Location: Bafford's well-house


  4. #4
    Registered: Nov 2000
    Location: Sydney, NSW, Australia
    He's back!!!

    but he's ......... good???

    What will happen???


  5. #5
    Registered: Jul 2001
    Location: Bafford's well-house
    I just cut out all of Kleptomaniac and pasted it in as a word-file. It was several hundred pages long! Now that's some good reading. Now I'm gonna copy all of The Mental Age (which, sadly, seems to be over for good )

    /me for president

  6. #6
    Registered: Nov 1999
    Location: The East Coast, Canada
    Today I learned a valuable lesson: don't read any of Kleptomaniac while it's not busy at work. All the times that i burst out laughing have warranted many strange looks from my co-workers. They just don't understand: this is some of the funniest stuff I've ever read! I've been an avid reader since Chapter 1, it's good to see that you haven't lost your touch, LC.

    Actually, you've only gotten better! If ever you publish this (self or otherwise), let me know, I'll definetely buy a copy!
    "There are children alive today that have never been turned into an eggplant."

  7. #7
    Registered: Apr 2001
    Location: Louisville, Ky
    Yay! he's back!!

  8. #8
    Registered: Jul 2001
    Location: Australia
    I think that if he took any money, it would be against the copyright law.
    Just a girl wishing for the old days

  9. #9
    Registered: Jan 2001
    Location: Germany

    Cool, the third Klepto thread

  10. #10
    Registered: Feb 2000
    Location: Various barracks
    Head Linguist, Clan Foofie. We are the party!

    Linguist \Lin"guist\ (l[i^][ng]"gw[i^]st), n. [L. lingua tongue, speech, language: cf. F. linguiste.] 1. A master of the use of the tongue [Obs.] 2. A person skilled in languages

  11. #11
    Registered: Jan 2000
    Location: Phoenix, AZ, USA
    Originally posted by Yametha
    I think that if he took any money, it would be against the copyright law.
    Well, IANAL (I am not a lawyer), but I undestand that parodists are allowed wide discretion. It would probably hinge upon how good LC's legal support was.

  12. #12
    Registered: Jul 1999
    Location: Los Angeles, CA
    Yaay, LC- still smokin'
    (I mean that in the good sense)

  13. #13
    Registered: Sep 2000
    Location: Brossard, Québec, Canada
    LC has THE touch
    Great, clever, and funny.
    Keep it up
    Do you like my new AtTiTuDe? It's called POSITIVE thinking!!! I had so much bottled rage, I'd snap if you looked at me the wrong way!

  14. #14
    Registered: Feb 2002
    Location: The Citadel at the Cliffs of Pain.


    Just keeping this from sinking, when it's perfectly capable of swimming.

  15. #15
    New Member
    Registered: Nov 2000
    Ahhhh my rescues you from page two.

  16. #16
    New Member
    Registered: Feb 2001
    Location: Phoenix, AZ

    Looks like a rope arrow is in order....

    Guinness, it's not just for breakfast anymore!

  17. #17
    Registered: Jan 2001
    Location: Petaluma, Ca. USA
    -Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

    -Zee duck? No, no, no. You cannot have zee duck. You are not worzy of zee duck. You may have...zee chicken.

  18. #18
    Registered: Nov 1999
    Location: The East Coast, Canada

    what the heck are you doin' down here! Get back up there!!!!

    "There are children alive today that have never been turned into an eggplant."

  19. #19

    Up we go...

  20. #20
    Registered: Jul 2000
    Location: up north
    argh.. page two!

  21. #21
    Registered: Mar 1999
    Location: the City
    Come on LC.. More!

  22. #22
    New Member
    Registered: Dec 2000
    Location: Adelaide ,South Austrialia ,Austrialia


    More More

  23. #23
    Registered: Jul 2001
    Location: Australia
    How about this: When LC posts more, he finds the thread himself. If anyone came along later, they'd find one of his posts, and then three pages of "more" and than another...
    Just a girl wishing for the old days

  24. #24
    Registered: Jun 2000
    Location: North Carolina
    Oh, such good reading. I hope it will never stop.
    Member of the Lost Foofie Clan - Chief Builder, Collector of Magical Weapons

  25. #25
    Registered: Apr 2002
    Location: Pennsylvania, USA
    Very very funny stuff Just bumping the post.

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