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Thread: Thief: Deadly Simplicities

  1. #1
    Registered: Dec 1999
    Location: Everywhere

    Thief: Deadly Simplicities

    So since you guys bumped the other two parodies I figured I give TDS a go. This probably sucks 'cause I threw it together in about 30 minutes. If it's relatively acceptable and not old hat by now, I'll try to spend more time on the rest of it. Here goes nothing:

    Thief: Deadly Simplicities

    Chapter 1
    The Blue Oyster Bar - Briefing

    I have a simple job planned for this evening...follow these glowing footprints, learn to walk quietly over loud surfaces, and still most likely get caught stealing another fat nobleman's man-purse.

    Of course, nothing is ever simple. Following glowing footprints used to be the easiest part of the job, but what with the local stores discontinuing my favorite brand of oil, this mechanical eye has turned out to be more trouble than it's worth. The warranty ran out a few months ago, and after that fiasco at Soulforge, I was too broke to extend it. It's begun making some infernal noise that's proven to wake the dead (literally), and I can see little more than brown fuzz when I try to use the zoom plug-in I paid big bucks for. Then again, a little rust in the eye never killed anyone...

    Back to business. A fence of mine, Illiterate Percy, says Lord Julian showed up at the Blue Oyster Bar earlier this evening. No surprise given his recent refusals to answer to anything but ‘Lord Julie’. He's carrying a velvet man-purse that he never lets out of his sight. I'll try to get inside by the usual methods. If that doesn't work, I can try sneaking in. Maybe these glowing footprints will help.

    The Blue Oyster will have bouncers, though they're more likely to be looking for a bribe than a thief. Percy loaned me a map of the place, though it's little more than a big box with a few lines drawn here and there to represent the layout. I've got to get that man-purse. Rent is due, and the Sci-fi book club is about to turn me over to a credit agency. Again.

    Blue Oyster Bar (exterior) – 12:17 am

    Crickets. Garrett had pulled off countless midnight infiltrations, but never before had the crickets drowned out the pounding of his heart. He was a professional, no question, but even the best admitted to a jolt of adrenaline just before the job went down. No time to lose. He bypassed the glowing footprints and proceeded toward the entrance.

    "I.D. please?!"

    The door man wasn't a big guy, just armed to the teeth - more of a deterrent than an actual threat. He had finally made it to the front of the cross-dressed crowd pushing the front door for admittance. The only thing between him and his prize the velvet rope blocking him from the entry.

    Garrett fluidly whipped out one of his many fake cards and handed it over with a detached air. The trick, he had learned, was to pretend that you didn't care whether or not you got in.

    "What's this supposed to be?" the guard's threatening tone more than compensated for his lack of stature.

    "My I.D."

    "Says here you're a member of the Champions Of Narcissistic & Sanctimonious Official Leadership Elite club,” he stabbed at each word with a dirty fingernail,” but it ain't no I.D. If you’re a of those vampire types, we don’t want your kind here.”

    "Uh no, not a vampire. Not me," said Garrett fumbling around for his I.D. Great, Left it in the other cloak...

    “Are you on the list?”

    He was struck by an idea, “Sure!”


    Who would be on the list at a club like this? Ramirez? Bafford? No. He went for the sure thing.

    “Rothschild!” he exclaimed a little too much like a man who had been struck by an idea.

    “Gary?” the guard raised an eyebrow and looked him up and down.

    Why didn’t I pay closer attention to that conversation? Garrett cursed himself.


    “NO!” the guard shouted triumphantly, “Gary Rothschild is NOT on the list, and the only other Rothschild who is, is already inside.”


    “You trying to scam me vampire boy?” the guard asked taking a step toward him.

    “Uh…no sir, I uh…” Garrett’s mind raced. The crowd felt like it was closing in.

    Why did it always come down to a flashbomb?

    Blue Oyster Bar (interior) 12:37 am

    The glowing footprints had led (with a few startling and inexplicable stops along the way) to a dead end alley running up the North side of the bar. He slipped through a small delivery door at the back and made his way upstairs. This job was starting out creepy, what with doors closing behind him, and water crystals materializing out of thin air. Nevermind. The man-purse was the goal, and he always reached his goal.

    He climbed a ladder to the first floor. He emerged into some type of lounge area that was empty except for a familiar figure behind a desk.


    The famously illiterate fence jumped and turned to face Garrett.

    “Garrett! I figured you’d be here tonight. How’s it goin’?”

    “What are you doing here? And where’s you eye patch?”

    “Ah- the patch is just for the fencing job. Adds mystique. Y’know – just like your metal eye…say…is it supposed to be leaking like that…?”

    “Nevermind! Why are you here?” Garrett demanded.

    “I work here part time. That’s how I knew Lord Julie would be here tonight. I guard the delivery entrance a few nights a week.”

    “You might have told me so I could have gotten in this way to begin with.”

    “Now wait a minute Garrett, I can’t let you in this way,” the big man held his hands up, “I’ll lose my job.”

    Percy was big and heavy and not easily hidden in a corner. Garrett threw his unconscious form back down the ladder to the basement. Idiot.

    Several minutes later when Percy’s body had stopped bouncing around, Garrett slipped inside the bar proper.

    Badly orchestrated techno music lashed out at him when he opened the door and disappeared into the crowd of garishly dressed, androgynous dancers. A Transvestite troupe from nearby Transvestia strutted the stage to a familiar sounding tune…I think they used to play this one at the Overlord’s Fancy back in the day…

    Garrett took in the room and found Lord Julie/Julian’s usual table empty amidst the feather boas and metro-hairstyles. He wondered where Metro was and if there was anything worth stealing. Those guys sure wore expensive jewelry. He recognized a few of them from his Champions Of Narcissistic & Sanctimonious Official Leadership Elite club meetings. Eventually, Garrett spotted Julie/an at the bar, dressed to the nine’s and wearing more makeup than the Lady Van Vernon on her way to the docks.

    Don't be conspicuous. He pulled his hood and cloak tighter around him and started to dance. Losing himself in the beat, he grooved his was over toward Julian’s stool at the bar. The nobleman sat clutching a sweaty Mimosa glass that sat on the bar near his velvet purse. He wasn’t paying it any attention because he was busy ranting at a dumpy guy that looked suspiciously like…

    “Percy! WHAT THE HELL!?”

    Julie/an and Percy looked up from their drinks.

    “I just left you passed out in the basement!”

    “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” said Percy. “By the way my Lord, this is Garrett, a business associate of mine. Garrett - Lord Julian…er Julie, heir to the Rutherford fortune.”

    “Or I was,” said Julian wiping the lipstick smudge from his glass, “Until that scheming cousin of mine Lord Ember rigged a Pictionary game that lost me the Bloodkidney Offal.”

    “The what?” Garrett asked, as Julian’s velvet bag vanished into the depths of his cloak.

    “The Bloodkidney Offal. I used to keep it in my velvet bag, but Ember won it in a Pictionary bet. Now all that’s left is the smell.” Julian looked sadly at his man-purse which had reappeared on the bar with surprising speed. “It’s a family heirloom dating back to the Precursors. Whoever holds the Bloodkidney Offal holds all power within the Rutherford family. I must regain that Offal!” He slammed his well manicured hand down on the bar.

    “My Lord, I can help you get the Offal.”

    “Bah! What do you know? You’re only a cook that probably has knowledge of some secret entrance. An inside scoop as it were. Not only is it too coincidental, the information would be useless to an a nobleman like myself. Only a thief would care about such information.”

    “A cook? At the Rutherford Manor!?” yelled Garrett, attracting the attention of a few bouncers. His voice lowered to a menacing snarl, “why do you have me sneaking around a dance club stealing man-purses with…god knows what in them...” he cast a sidelong glance at Julian’s purse, “…instead of getting me into a place like the Rutherford Manor?”

    “Actually my Lord, I do know of an entrance from the courtyard. All you have to do is put out the fire in the Goathead sconce and I’ll open it. Then you could sneak in and grab the Offal.”

    “I imagine they have lots of swag in a place like that. Silver and medallions and whatnot…” Garrett said mainly to himself.

    “Ah, but I am no thief,” lamented Julian into his Mimosa, “I will have to get inside, then challenge Ember to a game of Twister. It’ll be five men against twenty, but Ember could never beat me at Twister. I’m rather bendy.” He winked at the bartender, “I imagine some of Ember’s servant boys are quite good at Twister…” his mind seemed to drift for a moment, “…yes, quite good…”

    “A secret entrance would make it all the easier. No doormen or I.D. checks…” Garrett winced as a rancid smell from the bag grabbed his nose hairs and starting swinging.

    “My Lord, the risk is too great. The better way would be to steal the Bloodkidney Offal and settle this family squabble once and for all,” said Percy, “I can’t bear the thought of another Christmas with the cousins refusing to draw names for gifts.”

    “Yes. If only I were stealthy enough to pull off such a heist. Even Lady Elizabeth is so busy sucking up to Ember, she won’t notice the Offal missing for a while. Unfortunately, these high heels make it quite difficult to sneak around,” Julian fretted in the direction of his shoes, “But they are rather comfortable to have such small straps…”

    “Stealth huh? I’m quite stealthy if I do say so myself. Got in here right under the nose of the delivery entrance guard…”

    “I’ll keep my ears open for a good thief my Lord.”

    “I’M STANDING RIGHT HERE!” The bouncers were now talking in a group with the doorman and nodding in his direction.

    “Please do Percy. In the meantime, I’ll sharpen up on my Twister skills. The Bloodkidney Offal will be mine.”

    They were coming his direction now, with very determined looks on their faces. Garrett fled as casually and dance-like as possible.

    The bad music pounded on as they eventually cornered him in a storeroom leading back to the alley.

    Why did it always come down to a flashbomb?
    Last edited by fett; 24th Nov 2004 at 18:25.

  2. #2
    Registered: Apr 2004
    Location: out my field...
    Oh my good god...that is friggin' hilarious!!! Thanks for the laughs dude.
    What the HELL are you doin????....

  3. #3
    Registered: Feb 2004
    Location: Ryleth
    I agree. I found that so wonderfully amusing! I'm still laughing!

  4. #4
    Registered: May 2003
    Location: Sweden
    One of the best and well-written parodies I've ever read. Thank you!

    I would strongly advice you to keep writing on this one.

  5. #5
    Registered: Feb 2003
    Location: On my bicycle \o/

  6. #6
    Registered: Feb 2004
    Woah, dizzying. But it is quite humourous with all the pokes at the poor designs in the game.

  7. #7
    Registered: Nov 2002
    Location: Germany
    Hilarious. Keep on posting such stuff.

  8. #8
    Registered: Dec 1999
    Location: Everywhere

    Chapter 2

    Chapter 2
    End of the Family Game Nights– Briefing

    I arrived at the Rutherford Mansion like awakening from a dream. I really don’t remember how I got here, it just happened suddenly. I also have also inexplicably acquired a medallion belonging to the Rutherford family somewhere in transit, and have a strong feeling that there’s more to this Bloodkidney Offal than meets the eye. If it’s the key to the family power, it must also be the key to the family wealth. Or something like that.

    Percy said I could get inside by dousing the fire beneath the Goathead sconce, thereby signaling the cook to open the delivery door. Sounds like a plan, but since the cook will be expecting to see one of Julian’s men, I’ll use this handy open window to the left of the front door. I obviously have to beware of the many traps and crack security that lies beyond that open window. Except for that, this place is sealed up tighter than the Alarus extension. Not that the Alarus extension is all that tight, if you angle yourself just right and jump at the exact moment…

    The Rutherford Mansion
    Castle Exterior – 1:41am

    “Quiet tonight.”

    “It’s the rain earlier. Everyone’s gone in. It’s black as pitch out here.”

    A servant and a guard were shooting the breeze out front. Garrett watched from behind a wagon, waiting to make his move.

    “They’ve doubled the watch,” the guard seemed nervous.

    “This castle’s as old as Southtown. See the way the stone is? Could hold off an army. Or at least a very aggressive pair of Jehovah’s witnesses.”

    “Too bad they didn’t close that window by the tower.”

    “Don’t worry. It’s an old part of town. The streets are all different here. Not like in Awedude and Stoner’s Market.”

    “Why are you suddenly naming different parts of the City that have nothing to do with our conversation?”

    “In case you encounter them some time later. You’ll think back to this conversation and remember me mentioning them. It’ll be neat.”


    Awkward silence.

    “I was almost in the City Watch y’know. You have to know the different parts of the City for when you’re chasing criminals through the streets. Even though you can’t follow them into different districts, it’s important to know where they’ve gone so you can wait for them to come back.”

    “Huh? Why can’t you follow them?”

    “I dunno. You just can’t.”

    “But why? That doesn’t make any sense.”

    “That’s just the WAY IT IS, OK!?”

    “Ok, ok… no need to get upset about it.”

    “Yes, that’s what we told them.”



    More awkward silence. Garrett wondered if they were going to do this all night.

    “So I’ve seen a lot of stuff. Almost being in the City watch and all…” the servant began again.


    “Yeah. Saw a rat once, big as a burrick.”

    “What’s a burrick?”

    “Y’know – one of those big green lizard things that used to lurk in the sewers.”

    “Maybe it actually was a burrick.”

    “Nah – couldn’t have been.”

    “Why not?”

    “It just couldn’t OK?”

    “Ok, ok…geez,” the guard rolled his eyes and held the torch up over his head. Garrett shied away from the light as it passed over the wagon concealing his form.

    “I also saw a man running through the streets once, without his pants…”

    “C’mon! Who’d take somebody’s pants?”

    “Could be…nah, I don’t want to say it. Nobody knows the whole City. How old it is, how many times it’s gone through massive governmental road reconstruction. Not the Republicans, nobody.”

    With this declaration, the servant who was once almost part of the city watch, turned and walked through the front door.

    Finally, Garrett thought, preparing himself for a quick dash to the open window.

    “Lord Julian was pretty angry. D’ja see his face when he walked out?”

    What now?

    “I wasn’t there.”

    Another bored castle guard, come to shoot the breeze.

    “Julian’s the more dashing of the two men.”

    “Don’t speak of it, you’re sworn to Lord Ember!”

    “But I’m keen on his brother, Lord Julia!.”

    “I thought they were cousins. And who’s Julia?”

    “I didn’t say Julia.”

    “Did so.”

    “Did not!”

    “Either way, they’ll settle it. You’ll see. A game of charades, or a weenie roast… or a superbowl party! Whatever the noble folk have.”

    “What’d they quarrel over anyway?”

    “A Pictionary game or something.”

    “I like a good bear baiting myself. Matter of fact, I’m going to the bear pits tomorrow…wanna come with?”

    I don’t have time for this…

    Garrett high-tailed it to the open window and found a note on the desk inside.

    Dear cousin whose name I have quickly forgotten,
    If you’d like to get the Bloodkidney Offal, you’ll have to throw the security switch in Lord Ember’s chambers.
    Your cousin
    p.s. Ember also has a medallion that’s worth a lot of money.

    Odd note
    thought Garrett. Good job I came in through this window or I’d have never gotten into that vault. Unlikely there’s more information about it laying around for any common thief to randomly stumble upon. He grabbed what looked to be a strawberry daiquiri from the desk. Hmmm….tastes more like Raspberry. He downed it in a few gulps and breezed through the next room nabbing coins and trinkets that lay around. I knew this would be a gold mine…

    He came to a locked door and grabbed his trusty set of lockpicks, inserted the flat-toothed one into the hole and waited.

    Nothing happened.

    Ah…a round-toothed one this time…

    Still nothing.

    What the…?

    He looked around the room for a key to open the door, but found nothing.

    Back to the lock, he inserted the flat and round pick together. Nothing happened, but when he moved them around, the lock made noises. Having no concept of the inner workings of a lock, he continued to shake, twist, rattle, and push on the lock until the door finally popped open.

    Losing my touch…

    He made his way through an art gallery to a long hall which had to lead to the inner courts of the castle. He ran up the hall when everything suddenly began turning blue. Must be the daiquiri he thought, either that, or the Viagra…. He became disoriented and tried to focus himself by recounting in painful detail the way each of his weapons and tools worked on various life forms. It was a great exercise for the mind, but did nothing to keep the blue mist from taking him.

    The Rutherford Mansion
    Castle Interior – 2:12am

    Finally his vision cleared and he checked to make sure no one had mugged him.

    That was the strangest thing…

    He made his way around the courtyard, fumbled with his lockpicks again, and finally found himself in the kitchen, looking around for something to munch on - apples, deer legs, cheese…but found only a ham. No time to carve a ham on the job.


    He quickly closed one of the huge ovens to provide some shadow for himself in the corner. Someone was coming, he could hear them humming a familiar tune. The tune from the Blue Oyster Bar. A large figure appeared in the doorway.


    “Garrett? What gives? You shouldn’t be sneaking around in here!”

    “What…wha…how did….” He gave up, “Forget it. Nice hat.”

    “Thanks. Hey! While you’re here, there’s some really nice suede leather vests up in one of the guests rooms. Maybe you’d want to pinch them, being a thief and all?”

    “Where am I going to off load suede leather vests Percy?”

    “I hear there’s a fence in Blackbrook what deals in leather and other fine apparel.”

    “Blackbrook? Where’s that?”

    “Somewhere West I think. Or maybe North?”

    “Percy, I need to get to Lord Ember’s chambers.”

    “Yeah, doesn’t everybody? Julian was going on and on last night about…”


    The fence/guard/barfly/cook looked up at him, “Yeah Garrett?”

    “Lord Ember?”

    “Garrett, listen. I like you and all, but I’ve got a good job here. I don’t mind you stealing from the guests, but if you’ve got you’re eye on Lord Ember’s vests….”

    Once all the ovens were closed in the kitchen, it wasn’t hard to hide Percy’s body.

    The elevator to the second floor was incredibly loud, but the nearby guard didn’t notice anything until Garrett stepped onto the wooden walkway.

    “What’s this then?” he started making his way toward Garrett.

    A sudden flash from the shadows left the guard grabbing for his eyes as he stammered, “My eyes…can’t see a thing…wait…maybe…a little…yes…vision now beginning to clear…I’d say 72% recovered…getting better…I can’t believe I can’t see fully yet…hang on…here it comes…

    Garrett smacked him with his blackjack, expecting the guard to drop like a rag doll when he suddenly drew his sword and lunged. He reminded himself to seek out a good wallop in the face next time he was having vision problems. Seemed to clear them right up.

    Before the guard could do any damage, he threw another flashbomb. BANG!

    “Ah…I’ve been blinded…more specifically, I can’t see anything with my eyes…oh, oh, it’s improving a bit…please check back at 10 for an hourly report on my vision…”

    Garrett left him fumbling around on the walkway. If he thinks that’s weird, wait till he stumbles into the blue fog….

    He slipped inside the nearest door to hear a woman’s voice.

    “Lady Elizabeth is a proper lady. She attended Lady Pollocks school for young ladies. She’s once, twice, three times a lady. She can write in modern ebonics and hipster w3bsp33k that OMFG r0XX0rs lol.”

    “Well I guess that’s something. Lord Ember can’t do any of that,” came the man’s voice. Probably another guard.

    “Dude looks like a lady. His knowledge of the world is limited to the names of the members of Lynyrd Skynrd, and brands of chewing tobacco.”

    “I don’t like the way she looks at me. Like I’ve been in the bathroom for too long.”

    “Perhaps you should zip up your pants.”

    “Oh. Right.”

    There was a momentary pause. The two parted company. Garrett followed the guard up a long winding staircases, making loud elevator noises with his mouth to cover the sound of his footsteps. At the top of the stairs, he laid the guard out cold and took in the grand bedchamber which presumably belonged to Lady Elizabeth.

    Her journal revealed her fear over future games of Twister suggested by Julian. The way Ember rubbed the insides of her elbows when going for a left foot red repulsed her. Then he noticed several canisters on the shelf next to her journal. He opened one and found what appeared to be a red grainy substance. He tasted it with a finger.


    Another revealed a green, lime tasting power. Other canisters were filled with different colors of the sugary flavors. Garrett had hit the jackpot.


    He felt around for some of the white flavor sticks to dip into the canisters and was rewarded with a stash behind one of the books. He ate his fill, then packed the rest in an undisclosed location within his cloak where he also kept on average 15 flashbombs, 5 gas grenades, 15 healing potions, 5 oil bottles, various notes and books, a well-worn Tesla cassette, and 248 lbs. of loot and swag.

    He recovered Elizabeth’s gilded helm from a crate at the end of the bed, a souvenir of her brief time spent as a stand-in for Eyown in Return of the King, as well as her jewelry from a predictable hiding place atop the bed canopy.

    Now to find Ember’s room.

    He descended the stairs and crossed to the other end of the hall. The door was locked. This must be it.

    He could hear Ember pacing inside. The voice was faintly familiar.

    Once inside, he hugged the wall and moved toward the bed, leaning for a better look at Lord Ember.

    Balding head, pretentious robe, goatee…familiar voice…

    It was Julian.

    Was it possible? He looted the room quietly, taking time to throw the vault switch near the desk. He had expected something more inconspicuous than a torch holder, but perhaps Ember/Julian was in a bit of a rush to complete the safety mechanism, and had no time to come up with something more creative. Garrett would give him the benefit of the doubt and enjoy the switch and the vault anyway…

    How could they be the same person? Garrett stole a look at his private journal lying open in the middle of the table with the lights shining down on it.

    These many years I have kept them all at odds with one another. Taking sides between Ember and Julian. Too busy to notice that Ember ran away long ago to join the circus, leaving me to enjoy the family fortune. Were they not too busy trying to predict the winning side, they themselves would be after the Offal like dogs after…well, offal. In the meantime, I can continue using these fake eyebrows to play both ends against the middle.

    Ok thought Garrett, that makes no sense whatsoever, but I’m grabbing this medallion which happens to match the one that mysteriously appeared on my person when I materialized in the courtyard, and heading for the vault. Time to get a look at this Offal.

    The vault was wide open but Garrett couldn’t get inside until he used one of the mysterious medallions to open the inner door. Maybe all that conversation between Percy and Julian at the Blue Oyster made more sense now. Well, no. Not really.

    Either way, there lay the Bloodkidney Offal in all of it’s shrunken glory. But the real eye-catcher was the gold and silver mounting that encased it. That would fetch a pretty penny with the right fence. He nabbed it along with a few jewels and a key which opened absolutely nothing (for his collection), then headed for the outer courtyard.

    The Offal is now mine, he thought, ”And based on the smell, it’s pretty old. I’d better get this thing to Illiterate Percy so he can split up the casing. If he’s still in the business that is…"
    Last edited by fett; 29th Nov 2004 at 10:19.

  9. #9
    Registered: Feb 2004
    Wow, how much more will Percy be doing? This is nice stuff though.

  10. #10
    Registered: Jun 2002
    Location: Canada, Ontario, Toronto
    truly priceless hilarity!
    well done!

    The Hammerite Imperium Lead
    -Dromed Architecture Tutorial Supreme

  11. #11
    The bits that had me laughing out loud (good job no one else is here at Uni)
    Several minutes later when Percy’s body had stopped bouncing around, Garrett slipped inside the bar proper.
    “Ah…I’ve been blinded…more specifically, I can’t see anything with my eyes…oh, oh, it’s improving a bit…please check back at 10 for an hourly report on my vision…”
    And finaly someone else brings this up;
    With this declaration, the servant who was once almost part of the city watch, turned and walked through the front door.
    It's funny how in all the Thief games, people have always just walked away from each other suddenly at the end of a conversation, without saying goodbye, or see you in the morning, or later, or whatever

    The Blue Oyster Bar. I'm thinking that's from Police Academy, right? Hehe.

  12. #12

    Can't wait till you get to the cradle!

  13. #13
    Registered: Jan 1999
    Location: Same place as the lost pens
    Great stuff!

  14. #14
    Registered: Jan 2004
    Location: Moses Lake
    I've always been fond of the conversations where the two people just stand there facing each other... especially the Hammer and weaponsmith in Shipping and Receiving. 'Let's go deal with our work.' (they don't move.) Walking away can be something of a step up.

    EDIT: Oh yeah, well done, fett.
    Last edited by dr. cello; 25th Nov 2004 at 07:06.

  15. #15
    Registered: May 2003
    Location: Sweden
    Haha! Absolutely hilarious!

    One of my favourites:
    Garrett followed the guard up a long winding staircases, making loud elevator noises with his mouth to cover the sound of his footsteps.
    Bloody brilliant!

    Keep it up, if you please.

  16. #16
    Registered: Dec 2000
    Location: London, Ontario, Canada
    Thanks, fett. But now I'm going to have to take the time to check in here for the next installment. Well, that doesn't take long but reading it does -- I keep losing my place. Whoever's left over at ISA's gotta be rolling in the aisles. Well done. Good stuff(tm)!

  17. #17
    Registered: Feb 2004
    Location: Ryleth
    I love the mysterious elevator ignoring as well!

    dr. cello, when I play Shipping and Recieveing they sometimes move inside the building and promptly vanish when you do too. Just so you know.
    Stoked with fuel,
    We do the Builder's work.

  18. #18
    Registered: Jul 2004
    Location: namedrocalypse
    This is some great sh*t! (No joke!) Keep it coming, please!
    "Bin gar keine Russin, stamm' aus Litauen, echt deutsch." *
    --Thomas Stearns Eliot
    *There's nothing Russian about me, I'm from Lithuania, and German through and through.

  19. #19
    Registered: Dec 1999
    Location: Everywhere

    Chapter 3

    Chapter 3
    Garrett’s Condo – 9:45pm

    I awoke atop my bookcase across the room from my bed. Sleeping habits are becoming stranger and stranger ever since that episode at Constantine’s house. I also keep having these strange dreams too. Like the one where my blackjack didn’t necessarily work on all opponents, especially the undead. Or where I shot an opponent in the mouth with a moss arrow and it choked him. And the one where I suddenly began using the word ‘opponent’ to refer everyone who’d like to see me dead. Strange dreams…
    I sure miss my old place. Tried to drop by for old time’s sake the other day, but damned if I could find the street. Memory’s not what it used to be. I’m comfortable here though, but one of these days I just know the City Watch is going to spot my name on the mailbox or parking space out front, and then the jig is up.
    Better get this Offal setting to a fence before someone comes looking for it. But I’m going to double check the place before I leave. Last time I was gone, the plasma TV and smoothie machine ran for two days. The electric bill is going to kill.

    Garrett padded through the thick carpet in the hall of his condo, stopping to break into the landlord’s suite. Between the landlord being blackmailed by a nameless threat, Garrett ripping him off nightly, and robbing the other tenants so they couldn’t pay rent, Garrett was sure to shut down the place within a month. Ah, nothing like biting the hand that feeds…

    “Oh, it’s just you. I thought someone had broken in or something.” It was Larry (or some other equally non-memorable name) the security guy. “All clear,” he said into his walkie-talkie, replacing it on his belt.

    Garrett looked up and down the length of the building to see who he was talking to. Or for that matter, what else he was guarding.

    “Not that I suspect you of course. A thief would obviously not be wearing a dark cloak and standing with a set of lock picks in Mr. Wickett’s door.” He continued on his 15 ft. patrol muttering something about needing to relax. Garrett continued picking the lock, looted Mr. Wickett, then stepped out into the cool night air of Southtowne.

    Ah…the City. Obey the law, and there’s no need to worry about the residents. Unless they’re trying to destroy the world… thought Garrett, and I’ll need to remind myself several times to look out for the City Watch because they’re the guys who want to lock me up…

    “So then I said, ‘but I don’t use crack,’ then he says, ‘doesn’t matter’ the whole place is being blockaded.”

    Some of Garrett’s neighbors out in the street well beyond daylight. Not wise. Southtowne had lately become a haven for drug traffic and gang activity. The war between the crackheads and junkies was spilling over into the neighborhood from both Stoner’s Market and Other-Side-of-the-Tracks-Quarter.

    “Same thing happened to me – I asked why but City Watch wouldn’t give me the time of day.”

    “Whatdaya think? Some type of drug war going on? Watch raids?”

    “That’s what I thought, but then I was talking to Jenna down at the tavern and she said a tour bus had come into town and something was wrong with it. The lockdown is so that, mind you it was Jenna talking so take it for what it’s worth…she said they had to close the place off, otherwise, the pop singers would be everywhere!”

    “Pop singers!? Everywhere? I wonder if Sarah is ok. She lives over near the Docks Club. Her piano could be destroyed. You know how they hate real pianos.”

    “Yeah! And Robert Smith lives over there too…but maybe Jenna was wrong. You know how she talks and talks when she’s drunk…”

    “Yeah…I’m sure everything is fine. The blockade is just a precautionary step.”


    They didn’t sound so sure. Between the gangs overrunning Southtowne and the American Idol tour rumored to overrun the Docks club, the City was sure changing…

    Garrett walked past a ‘wanted’ sign with his picture on it. Or at least it looked like him. A large percentage of the time.

    “Hey Garrett!”

    “What’s shakin’ Garrett!”

    “How’s it hangin’ Garrett?!”

    Wanted posters in the City served to create familiarity, not necessarily arrests. Garrett tried to remember how he became the most popular guy in town. So much for anonymity. It was only a matter of years before the Watch figured out where he lived.

    Speaking of the Watch one almost caught him grabbing a few coins from under the nose of a street vendor. City Watch. Mostly pedophiles and recovering alchoholics who'd joined up for the fun of bullying people. You could tell them by the insignias on thier uniforms that said MODERATOR. ...and I’d better look out for them…they’re the guys who want to lock me up. I have to remember that…

    Garrett crossed through the shadows under the watchful eye of the cop and found the red scrawl on the wall saying ‘Illegal Establishments – This Way.’ An arrow pointed down a narrow twisting passageway leading to Illegal Establishment Street – all the shops trafficked in stolen goods and supplies for breaking and entering. It was only a matter of years before the Watch figured out where he did buisiness.

    Time to talk to Illiterate Percy.

    He found the sign at the end of the street, “Illiterate Percy. Fence.” He stepped inside.

    “Garrett! Didn’t expect to see you. Didn’t you hear? Lady Elizabeth from Rutherford castle was in here lookin’ for ya with a couple of thugs!”

    Panic gripped Garrett as he tried to respond. He tried to move. He tried to speak. He was paralyzed in place. Not good.

    “They were asking a bunch of questons about Lik-a-Sticks or some nonesense. They were about to get rough, but as you can see, I’m already about as battered as I can get. Someone kept sneaking up behind me all weekend and smacking me in the head everywhere I went. Darndest thing…anyway, they kept asking me for a name and I gave ‘em yours. I figured it could have been you seeing as you’ve had your eye on Lord Ember’s leather vests and all…”
    Garrett waited in agony as he prattled on, until finally…

    “Anyway…no hard feelings ay pal? I see you have the Offal – I can’t take it right now, what with those goons around, but I think I know someone who can…Bad Breath Bertha. If I were you I’d go to Stoner’s Market before those goons find ya. I’ll take anything else you’ve got though. Business as usual?”

    Garrett watched in amazement as the merchandise and money changed hands while he himself stood there like an automaton. This was not business as usual. It was very unusual. Moments later he was on the street again, shaking the deadness from his limbs. Either he was having hallucinations or he needed to lay off the shroom tea. Probably both…

    He picked up a few things from The Well Equipped Thief, another well disguised thief supply shop on Illegal Establishment Street, and headed for Stoner’s Market, keeping a keen eye out for Lady Eliabeth’s thugs. Meantime his other eye was picking up a low frequency AM station.

    He spotted them near the entrance to Stoner’s Market.

    “Dja hear the way Percy squealed? Once I explainedto him what a Lik-a-Stik actually was, he couldn’t wait to give us Garrett’s name,” said goon number one.

    “Yeah but it was my desciription of the extended packs with the Strawberry and Blueberry flavors that got him talking you taffer,” replied goon number two.

    “What’s a taffer?” that was Lady Elizabeth’s voice.

    “A taffer?” goon one said. “Everybody knows what a taffer is. A taffer is a guy who takes the credit for something someone else did.”

    “Oh.” That seemed to satisfy her. “The money is ready. Don’t dally, I haven’t got all night. I need those Lik-A-Stiks back!” She strode off, leaving the two goons in the street.

    “Do you think the new flavors are better than the original packs?” goon one asked.

    “It’s not that I don’t like ‘em,” said goon one, “I’m just sayin’ if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it…”

    Garrett slipped past and entered the passageway to Stoner’s Market. Bad Breath Bertha huh? Couldn’t be too hard to find someone with a name like that.

  20. #20
    Registered: Feb 2004
    "Bad Breath Bertha" Nice take on that character!

  21. #21
    Registered: Apr 2001
    Location: Finland
    Ah, finally we have all three games parodized (yes, probably not a word ). Poor Garrett... Trying to survive with all these strange changes happening in the City!

    Excellent work, Fett, keep it going!

  22. #22
    Registered: Jan 2001
    Location: Exiled in sassenachland
    Quote Originally Posted by fett
    “I also saw a man running through the streets once, without his pants…

    “C’mon! Who’d take somebody’s pants?”

  23. #23
    Registered: Mar 2004

    You're a comedy genius, this is just amazing!!
    Last edited by Pitch; 27th Nov 2004 at 09:29.

  24. #24
    Registered: Jun 2002
    Location: The act or process of locating
    On par with the Mental Age parodies! Keep them coming fett!

  25. #25
    Registered: Nov 2003
    Location: Behind you in the shadows
    Quote Originally Posted by fett
    Garrett crossed through the shadows under the watchful eye of the cop and found the red scrawl on the wall saying ‘Illegal Establishments – This Way.’ An arrow pointed down a narrow twisting passageway leading to Illegal Establishment Street – all the shops trafficked in stolen goods and supplies for breaking and entering. It was only a matter of years before the Watch figured out where he did buisiness.

    This slayed me. Beautiful work. More! More!

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